Dear Elsa,
My husband and I aren’t seeing eye to eye lately, and I don’t know what to make of it. I thought everything was fine, but I think that I might have been in denial. Part of the story is that we broke up for a few months last year, and I don’t think we recovered from that very well.
For instance, he hasn’t touched me sexually in over a year, saying that just the thought of me being with another man “kills it” for him. I DID have a few dates while we were broken up, but as far as he’s concerned, nothing happened. I don’t understand this particular argument from him, because he cheated on me numerous times while we were together. Lately, he’s been actively seeking sex from me, and he gets frustrated when I seem less interested than I have in years past. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be all hot and bothered now when he wasn’t touching me for over a year.
Then, there’s the instances where I upset or frustrate him somehow over something as minute as not answering him in the way he wants, or as fast as he wants. He tells me he should just leave, or that I should just leave, that we should just “call it”, and that he “quits”. He says he’s not going to ask me to stay anymore, etc., etc. Generally, I feel that this is mostly passive-aggressive b.s., but sometimes I think he just means it.
He tells me all the time that I am miserable in the relationship, but I don’t feel miserable! I don’t understand any of this. I feel so lost and unsure of what to do. To top things off, he asked me to quit my job earlier this year so that we could spend more time together (he works from home), and now he wants to get an office outside the home! I feel like he just wants to get away from me but at the same time, keep me tied to him. I just don’t know what to do.
Most of the time, we get along fine…we don’t argue or bicker. He’s a wonderful father to our kids. But, dammit, I’m tired of being told I’m miserable and that I should just leave every time he gets annoyed! Anytime I try to talk to him, he just blows up, so it’s not like I can even discuss any of my feelings w/him because he’s incapable of keeping a reign on his temper. I feel like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon – “I’m too old for this shit!” What do I do, Elsa? Are there any options outside of “sucking it up” or leaving.. do I have to live the rest of my life like this?
Bereft
United States
Dear Bereft,
Do you realize you have been writing me with this same problem for last five years? It’s the same husband, same wife and same dynamic. It is the same list of good vs evil and the same lack of resolution due the extreme indecisiveness on the part of both parties. The only thing that changes is how you sign your name. Basically you have morphed from “Unsure” to “Bereft” so that’s notable.
As to the problem in your case, it’s your Moon conjunct Pluto in Libra opposing your planets in Aries and you simply can’t decide (Libra) whether to think of yourself (Aries) or your partner and family (Moon in Libra). And your question is, “Do I have to live the rest of my life like this?” The answer is no, of course. But I do think it’s going to take an act of God to separate the two of you and one may well be coming.
Pluto will hit Capricorn in January of 2008 and aspect your half your chart and it’s safe to say this will put an end to the status quo. Thing is it’s not going to be due some small shift or new way of seeing things. You are looking at something more drastic and I don’t mean to scare you because this does not mean “bad”. It means “good” because like you say, you really don’t want to live the rest of your life this, right?
Good luck.
Yes, I realized that I keep writing about the same problem once I sent it to you. Problem being, things are constantly swinging in one direction or another. I’m either REALLY happy w/the way we are, or I’m REALLY sad. Can never have things BALANCE!
I can’t even count how many times we’ve broken up & then gotten back together. You’re right that it would probably take an act of God to split us up. 🙁 I think I’m either stupid or insane.
Considering the Pluto thing, I’m sure it will bring about the change that I need, whether I like it or not. Thanks, Elsa! (Sorry for bugging you w/the same damn question all the time.)
Bereft – HQ has advice for you and I think it is excellent. He mentioned his ideas when he edited this and I asked him if we should add them to the post or alternately, he should just comment. He did not add so I guess he’s going to comment. I will remind him!! Hold one. 🙂
Hello Bereft! This is HQ. I had some thoughts on your situation, and Elsa asked me to add them here.
Have you heard of the five love languages?
The basic idea is that we each communicate love differently. You may feel unloved because your husband doesn’t perform Acts of Service… whereas he may feel unloved because you don’t speak his love language of Physical Touch.
If he assumes you must be miserable… maybe he’s saying that because he figures, you wouldn’t deprive him of his love language unless you were unhappy?
In any case, Love Languages can really be a powerful tool for figuring out why you and your partner feel unloved!
Just wanted to add another plug for “5 Languages.” It really helped me understand my relationships with many people around me, not just my husband. Very informative and interesting book.
Thanks for the input, HQ! I do very much appreciate it. We’ve actually had discussions about our needs & what helps us both feel loved. I read thru the information on the site, and mine is definitely the Words of Affirmation – while his is more the Acts of Service. He feels that he supports me and the children by working very hard & that should be enough to show his love for me. And I agree that it does show his love for me, but I need him there for me in other ways. And, I need the reassurance of words now and then, which he feels is unnecessary. This has been going on for 8 yrs at this point, so yeah…something’s gotta give. Thanks again!
Just focus on yourself and what makes you happy inside. Do small things at first. No one can take away what really matters on the inside of you. You are not dependent on him for happiness.
I had a short couple years with an alcoholic spouse. Left him with two children and was raped less than a year latter and developed PTSD.
Develop patience with yourself and courage.
I am writing this because LOL, need to do the same thing again.
We learn over the years and we never come to the end. The road just travels forward. you go backwards and myself included. We all make mistakes. We are human.
Have a great day, Aries sun Lady
Sage
Funny but I am facing my passive aggressive undertakings. I’m a Capricorn with a Libra rising. I’ve never been so indecisive like I have been for the last few years. I even dreamed last night of a skunk – which symbolizes passive aggressive behavior. Currently about to end a passive-aggressive relationship when I move out next month. We are just friends but it’s been that way for the last year. He lives downstairs and I live upstairs in his house. I wonder what changes Pluto will bring to me and how my rising will be impacted. Care to share Elisa? Thanks! Angel