Breaking The Silence After Trying To Destroy A Person

Let me be clear, I am talking about someone in real life here. This is not an online situation.

There’s a gal I know, she’s caused me a lot of pain. I was really happy in a group I belong too… right up until she and I crossed paths.

I don’t know exactly what the problem was. I guess it was the saint / sinner thing. My Venus square Neptune on the midheaven. At first she was all ga-ga over me. This always makes me nervous because I know the person is interacting with the “me” of their imagination.

This bliss period, which was great for her, scary for me, lasted about three months. At that point she became angry and frustrated with me for not being who she imagined. She tried to ruin me.

She did cause me a lot of pain. A year’s worth of pain. I never returned the favor. I kept my mouth shut and let her tell stories about me.

I didn’t do his to be a martyr. I’m just busy. It’s that and also that I have a lot of experience with this. Click the tags! But this gal really did try to ruin me and she caused me tremendous pain and she’s kept it up for a year.

I suffered over the course of the year but I’ve learned a lot. This was the gal that pushed me to the margins of life. This was not the hill I was going to die on, as they say. I had the hill, she wanted the hill so I gave it to her. I was resigned at first, but eventually I slowly found some peace with the situation which allowed me to begin to grow again. In short, she dealt me a death blow, but I failed to die.

Now in the meantime there has been a third party probing me for information, consistently, over all these months. I have deferred. I’ve been honest with this other person because I like them very much. “Yes, there is a problem there but it is not primary to what I’m dealing with at this time. It pales in comparison to what I am actually facing at this time… Evasive, yes. But factual. And I have a real reason for having to conceal things at this time. You’re just have to take me word for that… this is what I told her and what I am telling you, the reader. But last week, I decided to talk.

I’m not sure why I decided to talk last week, other than things have been evolving. And I do like this gal and I decided to satisfy her curiosity. So i was explaining the situation. The woman was challenging me so I was elaborating. The next thing I knew, she said, “Her husband is right there…”

Shock, right? Not really.

I turned around and he was standing eighteen inches from me. “I don’t care,” I said. I meant it. What I was saying was true and it was not a secret. Maybe he was supposed to hear, yes?  She’s had an entire year to stop or better yet, stop and apologize.

So that was that. And then today, here comes this woman, who has avoided me for a year, while working to destroy my reputation. “Is that a new skirt?” she asked. “It’s pretty.” I laughed out loud.

You really don’t want to do this kind of thing with Mars squaring Mercury, but it happened. I don’t know exactly what her goal was but she got cold-cocked, I’ll tell you.

“…You’re a vicious gossip, you’re mean; you’re cruel, in fact. And I’ve been alive long enough to know if you do it to others, you’ll do it to me and so you have.”

The conversation lasted more than five minutes. She kept explaining why she was wonderful, I kept shaking my head and laughing.  Tears came (hers) and I held my ground. Because you know what? This woman has done what she did to me to others for YEARS.

I think Saturn is in Capricorn, people. You’re not going to lie your way out.

37 thoughts on “Breaking The Silence After Trying To Destroy A Person”

  1. Ugh, I hate delusional people!

    Similar experience at work…the idiot basically insulted me in a mail…I had to keep my mouth shut and ignore it. But that idiot was stupid enough to do it to someone else and the boss caught on it…
    I was gleeful all Friday.

    1. Everyone is delusional or dull about something Grimm…..and hate is a pretty strong feeling towards people who need to see something clearly. No one is perfect.

  2. She asked me what she could do to fix it (without mentioning what “it” was).

    I told her I had no clue and I didn’t seeing as I didn’t know what she was talking about. Fix your personality disorder, you mean?

    I didn’t say that. I just don’t know what she was after? Does she want my respect?

    She eventually asked if I would like her to just stay away from me. I had no answer for that either, really. “You’ve been doing that,” I said. Perhaps implying, it was working? I don’t really know. Maybe implying, if she chose this, I would not argue.

    “Yes, I have done that. For a year.”

    I shrugged. As my husband would say, “What do you want? A biscuit?” I don’t have this gal’s answers. And I’m not saying I would never interact with her again, but it would only be after I had seem some true change.

    It was kind of funny. She looked all hurt, like she did not know what I was talking about but I had the proof in her own voice, one minute prior…

    “You just did it,” I said. “You just blamed ____ for X. I don’t think she did X and further, she’s not here to defend herself. So who is going to want to hang around you? You do it to her, you’ll do it to me.”

    I also told her she lived in an echo chamber, which she does. “Ya’ll tell each other it’s not *you* when it clearly is *you*.”

    I did not tell her any of this without be asked, DIRECTLY. She was pleading with me to tell her what the problem was. And I did warn her and I warned her a year ago too. “Why can’t you back off?” I asked. I didn’t even make it personal. I took responsibility. “I live in the country for a reason. Just, please, please give me some space…”

    Seriously, I have extended this woman every courtesy out there and have done so for months and months.

    1. I think shes asking you for the immediate high of being Absolved.

      But loves being “under your skin”?

      1. I think she has loved being under my skin but this was before she met my knife and barely the tip of it.

        It’s none to comfortable at this point. It’s easy to shoot at someone. When they start shooting back, it’s generally a game changer.

        1. It Needed to be done.
          But it doesn’t need to be taken any further.
          Next time maybe you’ll do it sooner and gentler but just as effectively.

  3. Avatar

    The interesting part of this is her husband had such a strong effect. I’m beginning to doubt the wisdom that men cannot deal with this aspect of women.

    I’ve had someone target me in a less aggressive way than this and whom has made a few enemies. It is mainly a suspicion but I think there are people that really don’t like her and feel quite deeply hurt and poisoned by her, although might be nice to her face, and perhaps want revenge.

    It’s quite a thing for me to navigate. But I generally trust things will go well. Because my ally is these sorts of tools, synchronicity etc.

  4. The word for women like that is not printable here. But ‘ c u next Tuesday’ applies. Sorry, Elsa, no filter on my mouth for that one.

  5. My psychopath Scorpio grandmother was like this. She walked over the bodies and laughed about it for decades. When confronted with her BS she first got angry and if bullying someone down didn’t work it turned into crocodile tears. Ain’t no one got time for that.

  6. anonymoushermit

    I would focus on the fact that you don’t live with her. That helps me a lot when I have a domineering boss, or a psychopathic co-worker, or whatever.

  7. I deal with this at work. I read somewhere recently that this type of person does it because people are afraid to confront them because they inevitably lie about it & then it goes into a back and forth with the liar holding steadfast to their lies & the other person usually gives up, tired of it. Also, they’ve seen how the liar retaliates & they back off.
    I finally got fed up and called this woman a liar. Not a winning tactic in the workplace! Of course she insisted she wasn’t lying, to which I replied, now you’re lying about lying! I didn’t raise my voice, but you could’ve heard a pin drop. We all sit in one big open area & altho I said what most everyone else wanted to say except her minions, no one else said a word. I got called into my boss’ s office and was given a “verbal warning” for being disruptive (union). At that point I decided to never speak to her or her two minions unless I had to for business. Others whom I had worked with for years decided they couldn’t associate with me in fear of her. It doesn’t help that my boss is enthralled with the suck up. I have to hand it to her, she’s skilled at what she does. She’s wasting her “talent” in the office, she could be on stage.
    My bullshit meter has always been pretty good and I usually deal as little as possible with people like that because I can be pretty direct. But, I’d just had it. Got up from my desk knowing it wouldn’t go well & did it anyway.
    The fallout hasn’t been pleasant, but at the end of the day I have to live with myself. Just couldn’t take her shit anymore.
    Good luck with all of that Elsa.

  8. I liked your story. I have a lot of Scorpio and provoke a lot of people to compete against me or hate on me- mostly women, but not always. I generally simply back off and let them do as they will and tell myself that they have the problem, not me, but it gets lonely after doing that for a long time. Glad you were able to get that off your chest in a constructive way.

  9. This reminds me of my bully at work. Since she outed herself as being a bully and I reported her twice, she’s been yelled at (presumably) and backed down for the most part. She has actually been sane for a while now and not complained about really petty things like my yawning, but at this point I know NOT TO TALK in this office–I mean, at all, not even hello and goodbye– unless she’s in a good mood or we have to for work purposes. I literally haven’t spoken in there like a normal person in over a year because clearly my presence annoys the crap out of her and the other office sharer (who can’t stand me either but at least he just ignores me all the time) and the only thing I can do not to set them off is to try to not exist.

    I could guess that this sort of situation might happen if I said anything. But I don’t say anything! I think she may be in denial.

    The sad thing is that she’s fine when she’s in a good mood. We could have been friends had she not turned out to be the sort of person who needs to slap someone when she feels bad and I am the perfect target for that shit. If she acts normal, I am happy to do so as well, but as long as she might be a bomb about to go off, I’m going to try to not set her off.

  10. Interesting. Ive thought a lot about people who will do whatever they think they can get away with. I dont know what to call these people. I dont think there is a word for them, but there should be. I liken it to a kind of immaturity or lack of understanding. They need the world to tell them what to be and when someone honors their freewill, by allowing them to do what theyre going to do, they freak out.

    I think exposure to people that do honor their freewill is beneficial to them, though. Its empowers them to be responsible for their own behavior, which they might not understand and percieve as cruelty, but can be enlightening for them nonetheless.

    Dont know if that’s relevant but its what came to mind.

    1. And more personally, ya, if you are malicious against me at some point, dont think im so easy that you can win me over again. It adds insult to injury.

  11. Truth is the easiest because anything else takes work
    Life is easy and natural with truth
    But some just can’t
    One thing you wrote you ; the me of their imagination, this so helpful
    I do it to myself, my mind so constant, I live on tiny island
    Having done long marriage long divorce, have to pass the former
    With this one and that one and too many;but the pain is imaginary
    This guy older than dirt and never ever kind creates no pain it is the imaginary one , This one who can never hurt me again drives past me
    With Sara,Dianna,Lauri etc etc etc
    Yuck and when does the brain
    Figure out delete delete delete

  12. Since I was not expecting this, yesterday, I really had no answers for her. I woke up this morning with the most important thing, clear. I emailed her and said if she could stop gossiping to or about me, it would go a long way. And it would!

    1. I think you nailed it with the gossip comment. It puts all the onus on her.
      And you’re smelling like a rose.
      ….saying you don’t want anything to do with that behavior.

  13. Perhaps she is working out some agenda from her past in regards to you? This seems like a complete reflection of her past ordeals and you were chosen as a release point for practice.

  14. Avatar

    A lot of posts here on female bullies. The MGTOW movement and others are very unhappy with some womens behaviour in relation to divorce courts etc. but it’s clear that women themselves are targets of these same sorts of individuals.

  15. If a person conciously treats you in a certain way , for any amount of time in order to rearrange your interactions into their story , its crazy. You are not really having a relation , you are a character in their play. Its the worst type of people.

    1. Yes, this is how I feel. I am social currency,

      She has agreed not to talk about me. I thanked her for that and intend to let this drop.

      In hindsight, it’s festered for a year. I blew it up and I’m glad.

      I also told the first gal, this was resolved in my mind. I wanted her to stop gossiping, she said she would. I’m satisfied and that’s all I have to say. I’m seeing it the way you would see a restraining order. Goes both ways!

      Really, I just want this woman off my screen. I do not want to be an option for her… let her find another option.

  16. Maybe we can learn a lesson from this: To say those words (about disliking gossip) as soon as we notice the gossip-pattern in someone?

  17. When I see stories of abuse coming out in the open now I cheer every time someone nails a gaslighter to the fence of truth. ( i got nep on the midheaven.) The stress of being misrepresented by liars and fantasists, got no patience for it now. Clear the freaking fog with the sword of truth. And these people have the nerve to act hurt like you’re the perp and they’re the gentle victim once they’re outed. Yeah, nip that weed in the bud when you can and do us all a favour.

  18. sorry i think I said do us all a favour out of context – i meant i appreciate people who nip things in the bud by stating the facts to people who misrepresent others and contribute to the collective standard (saturn in cap) being better off.

  19. Excellent! Classy of you to keep your mouth and courageous of you to tell her off when the moment called for it. This is the women’s club you resigned from, wasn’t it…..This situation you are describing resonates with me so much. I have a colleague like that, actually more than one. At the end of the year this building where we work will close down. I have known them long enough. I know that they will try to remain frenemies on FB and such. But than this killer line will strike them silent. Exactly the same line you used on Skirt Woman. Hah!

  20. It seems that every woman I’ve ever known has had such an “adult” bully in their lives. I was so glad to discover that, because until I did, I was so ashamed… was there something wrong with me that I couldn’t see for myself, or what?? I was also ashamed because of the hurt I felt – shouldn’t I be above that now that I was all grown up? And worst of all was when other people BELIEVED the lies this scheming person told about me. Potential friends suddenly became potential enemies, because they knew so little about who I was that they believed some trumped-up nonsense about me.
    There’s some literature around that describes this kind of person. Apparently their motivation is to beat you, or beat you down, because often they see you as the Top Dog, the strongest person in the group. Think of your experience that way, Elsa!
    And then you also get the cruel person who targets a vulnerable person in order to feel all powerful and strong, because they quite rightly feel that they’re inferior, and they are trying to find someone whom they can relegate to a position that’s even lower than they know jolly well they are.
    What are these nasties trying to teach us, I’ve often wondered? Perhaps help us to learn to forgive?

  21. This is a southern girls claim to fame in my experience. I’ve met quite a few from the deep. And part of the game is how well you weather it. If you are to be her friend you have to put up with it and many do return. Couldn’t care less of anything outside her performance. The more obnoxious the better. I came to see it as a relationship hazing of these people. She made a splash for you, please show your appreciation for her performance and all will be well. Her husband I bet liked the drama of over hearing, the plot thickens. It all added to a great show. I really have met many of these. One is pretty famous. I’ve come to see it as a type of almost witchcraft. Definitely attention getting which is the point you know.

  22. Someone linked this post on fb, which brought it back to my attention.
    I still see this woman but she keeps her distance.

    She still talks about in a general way. She wants to be the one “in the know” and I am someone people want to know about it.

    However, all she can say, is “Elsa is doing X”.

    There is no depth. At this point, if someone wants to know anything, real, they have to contact me directly.

    I’m just not as accessible as I once was.

  23. Updating four months later; I’ve not seen this gal for about four months and I’ve not heard of her for three.

    I left her sphere completely. I do think of her from time to time – it make me quiver.

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