Getting Caught Cheating, Denial, Acceptance Etc.

I mentioned to my husband how common it is people are caught cheating due their cell phones. Some gal picks up her husband’s phone and some gal’s name is all over it. “I think people know their spouse is cheating other ways besides their cell phone. Don’t you think, P?”

I do think. I think people sometimes know and deny but I also think sometimes they know and don’t care. The latter is rarely discussed but pretty common, I think.

If you were caught cheating or caught someone cheating, how did it happen? Know anyone who knows their spouse cheats but doesn’t care? Tell us!


24 thoughts on “Getting Caught Cheating, Denial, Acceptance Etc.”

  1. I know without a fact, that if I had kept my ‘business to myself’, my X-hubby would have stayed married with me. But, who wants to be married to an illusion? It’s weird though, to think that if I had just kept my mouth shut…

  2. I know someone who has a very very low sex drive and never wants to have sex with her husband. She has jokingly told him to get some on the side for years. She has said it often enough I wondered if she were serious. They were close friends with a couple who had the same issue in reverse. She always wanted sex and he rarely did. The wife who didn’t want sex was known to joke in front of others about sending the two sex fiends off to “do” each other.

    The day she picked up her husband’s cell phone and found out he had taken her up on her years of humorous comments she FLIPPED. She was livid. Didn’t understand why either of them thought she would be ok with it.

    I think if she hadn’t accidently found proof she probably would have ignored the more subtle clues indefinitely.

  3. ooh i have a good one. i went on spring break with my friends in college. i’d been dating this guy for five yrs, high school bf into college. i was talking to a guy at a club and when he found out where i went to school he asked, “oh so do you know ?”. wow. pause. wheels turning in my mind. i knew this would be good b/c i had no idea who this guy was! so i said “no, not really, well i mean of course we know each other but we’re not close”. oh, he said, because he came to visit at with last week. oh REALLY. REALLY? well i’m his girlfriend! then i stormed off. oh yes, i’m diabolical in pursuit of the truth. said bf got deathly ill on spring break in cancun and, largely abandoned by his friends, totally freaked out when i refused to return any of his calls. it was the least he deserved.

    ok so sorry, i got so caught up in telling the story i didn’t answer your question. did i know? i had some suspicions but you know, we were too serious too young and there were temptations for both of us. tho i never went as far as he did. we’re friends now and i’m pretty sure he knows how wicked smart i was to figure him out!

  4. whoops, bits of my story got cut out – what the guy told me is my bf at the time had gone to visit some girl at his college last weekend with another mutual friend of ours.

  5. “The day she picked up her husband’s cell phone and found out he had taken her up on her years of humorous comments she FLIPPED. She was livid. Didn’t understand why either of them thought she would be ok with it.”

    This chick sounds pretty hypocritical to me.

    Honestly, those people who (a) refuse to have sex, and (b) won’t let their partners get any elsewhere just annoy me. What a shitty way to treat someone you supposedly love. Not that I think cheating is fabulous, but deciding unilaterally that you’ll never have sex again is pretty awful.

    Hm, as for the actual question, nope, don’t know of anything like this. My circle tends towards open/polyamorous relationships so at least they’re all honest about what they are doing.

  6. Avatar
    curious wanderer

    Well, I caught my husband in the midst of his emotional affair by seeing his e-mail inbox full of emails from his mistress. Literally full. I didn’t say anything because I wanted a reason to get out. I had some denial going on too, as I wanted to work it out as hard as I could, as long as I could, so I could have a completely clean conscience going out.

    A couple of months after, he made the relationship physical, then came home to tell me it was over. I was still in denial, so it tore me up. A lot of insanity on both of our parts later, and the divorce is in progress.

    Oh, and I’m a lot happier. 🙂

  7. I may be in denial or naive, but I don’t think I’ve ever been cheated on. It’s not like I don’t have my eyes open for clues, for I know people do that from time to time, especially when a relationship is in trouble. Plus I have Mars in Scorpio and I’m kinda suspicious that way. 🙂

    I attribute this to 1) being very cautious in choosing a mate, even though it might not have worked out in the end, and 2) Karma. I don’t cheat, period, so I haven’t suffered any retribution related to that. Believe me, if I do something wrong, a beautiful, morbidly humorous lesson laden in bloody, poetic justice is laid at my feet.

    Really, it’s an anomaly. As many relationships as I’ve gone through in my adult life, I can say with confidence that I have never been cheated on, that I know of. That said, if I ever caught even a whiff of something not being kosher, I would be ON IT like a dog.

  8. I was good friends with my boss and his wife, who also worked for my company. I had to check my bosses emails while he was out of the country at one point. His mistress sent many flagrant emails during that time. (My cheeks are burning as I remember it.) I didn’t know what to do. They also had a beautiful two year old, whom I loved. His wife kept confiding in me that she just knew he was cheating. I didn’t tell her in the end. I left the job soon after, though. I couldn’t stomach him, mf. They eventually divorced.

  9. Oh, and yes, I was cheated on. My bf and I went to a party at a friend’s apartment complex. He got stoned and disappeared. We were all outside and he and another girl walked up with their hair wet, and their clothes dry. Oh, I was so naive back then. I knew, of course, but kept him around because I thought he was the love of my life.

  10. The reality of the hall of mirrors—-

    Which for me was a hall of smoke and mirrors. n. I have neptune in libra in the 8th house. Yes I have had problems with boundaries in relationships. I grew up in a home where cheating was rampant. I thought it was normal, and the way it is suppose to be. My first experience with it was at the age of 8 and here 46 years later it is still going on. I have stopped trying to figure out what is going on, or why. All I can do is transcend and learn and grow from the negative aspect of this placement. When my mom starts complaining about my dad, all I can respond with is, “I don’t hear about this anymore”

    I have been both the cheater and the cheatee. I haven’t crossed that boundary in 25years now that I understand all the dynamics involved and the pain involved. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been tempted, but even Jesus Christ was tempted. The purpose is to grow and to learn and to change negative behaviors and not to backslide during tough times. I am proud to say that so far, so good.

    And while I don’t condone it, I do understand why and how it happens. What I don’t understand is why people tolerated it when it happens more than twice. What I mean by that is if you choose to give someone a second chance that is a very personal choice, however if it happens again and you still tolerate it, then I don’t understand it. I guess its the old “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

  11. Even if my ex continues denying he cheated on me with his current wife, I do know, for a fact, that she ultimately caused our breakup. I remember my ex telling me about this new lawyer friend he’d met through work who could help him with a problem he was having with an ex-employer. I wasn’t suspicious then – my ex just got on fine with women (Libra men often do) and had loads of female friends. What made me suspicious is that in the next couple of months he became increasingly crumpy, even refusing my physical approaches. He horribly stressed too, and deep down I must have known it wasn’t just the work. I remember also wondering why he never mentioned this lawyer gal he was meeting again. So, by the time my ex told me he wanted to leave me I asked him directly if he was having an affair. He denied. And it’s quite possible he never really had sex with the gal, but I’m pretty confident that if I had checked his cellphone – which I never did, out of respect – I would have found loads of phonecalls and text messages directed to this gal. They were dating mere weeks after our breakup…

    But looking back, I know I knew the signs because I hadn’t been faithful in that relationship either. I had two flings when we were dating long distance. The relationship was intense, we also had horrible fights when we were together, and I was terribly immature. Instead of acknowledging that we were yes, head over heels in love, but driving each other crazy, and breaking up in a clean, adult, clearcut way, I went looking after someone to save me. Of course they wouldn’t. Also, I needed to learn that I could choose not to act on my sexual urges (Uranus conjunct Venus in Scorpio).

  12. Del, no anyone has ever cheated on me either, nor have I ever cheated and yes, no one believes it when you say it but that’s a projection. It might have happened if I’d have stayed in certain relationships over time but I didn’t…

  13. I was a wicked heartbreaker. The two that I hurt the most both found out by being snoopy and reading my journal. Both of them tried not to care, to get past it, but a few months later, it ate at us and our relationship ended.
    I know I made mistakes and caused a lot of pain and I live with that every day. I try to move on though by remembering who I was and seeing how much I have changed.

  14. i know a few people who have been busted via cell phones, particularly when the spouse suddenly has changed habits in how they use the phone.

  15. I had a vision, actually, that told me some strange details about a girl that would eventually be connected to my (against my will) long-distance boyfriend. (He was supposed to move to my town, then just kept going 7 hours north.) I dumped his ass, feeling a bit foolish, as his protestations seemed sincere, but guess who ended up with a Gemini from PSU next? 😛

  16. I’ve have cheated twice — I’m quite sure my karma is all effed up because of it. There are always reasons, but I recognize it’s not honorable behavior. The HS “fling” was never discovered. The second time was in my marriage. It started as sexting and evolved into a full-blown EA. My husband had suspicions, but ultimately I confessed to what was going on — no matter how much I hated my husband at that point it was killing me to not be honest. The EA was with a friend who is also married. Given his situation of a sexless marriage, I assumed the sexting biz was old hat for him … he assured me it wasn’t. Well truth came out, through conversations with a mutual friend, that, oh yes, this is very much a habit for him. Lame for me, as I knew what I saw and let someone tell me otherwise (Neptune conj. ASC, happens A LOT). He’s convinced his wife doesn’t know. I’m sure she does and is either in denial or, because she has no interest in him sexually, doesn’t care. It seems they’re both getting what they want in the end.

  17. Never been a cheater, but Candela’s story sums it up for me. Been cheated on twice (or thrice, one was with the same dude x2).

    The only thing I can figure is:
    1. I attract/am attracted to unfaithful men,
    2. They don’t believe WYSIWYG, though it is,
    3. I become boring. (Ah, Aquarius moon with sun-Saturn! It’s not them, it’s me! *kicks self*)

  18. I watched my ex fall in love with someone else (actually I watched her bait the hook, snag him, and skillfully reel him in) and I think knew he was cheating even before he did, in the sense that I could see where their “professional” relationship was going right from the beginning. I was younger, prettier, and smarter, but too threatening in the end, I guess. She played the hapless victim needing rescuing and he never could resist being the hero, since it only made him responsible for being a hero and not for any screw-ups. I caught him totally red-handed through his cell phone even though it didn’t make much of a difference in the end. We had been to a wedding (that marriage didn’t last either) while she was at her weekend place with her husband. My ex kept disappearing. The first time he suddenly had to go to the bathroom as soon as we arrived. Then, while hors d’oeuvres were being passed, he “had to go find some vegetables” (yes, that is a quote) and disappeared again. I was certain he was sneaking off to call her. The next morning, I found he had left his cell phone on the kitchen table when I came down in the morning. I saw that he had called his access code as a phone call when trying to retrieve a message (he was technologically challenged). The code was the day and month of her birthday (she is a late Sag like me). I of course confirmed my assumption that it had been her he had been calling (they used to talk on the phone literally about 20 times a day at this point), called his voicemail, and found a message saying she was hurrying back from her weekend place and it had been so terrible being with her husband and that she couldn’t wait to see my cheating ex and that she loved him. When confronted with this, my ex refused to talk about it. He never did actually admit that they were having an affair. That’s always been the biggest mystery to me – I don’t know why he couldn’t just say that he was in love with her and wanted a divorce. Instead he just kept saying he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, but refused to move out and basically spent all of his waking hours with her (at her office, I don’t know where her husband, who worked with her, was at this point). When I finally got the courage to move out (thus leaving my home, my husband, and in fact my livelihood since we had a business together) he freaked out and was suddenly heartbroken, saying that it was the first time in 15 years we had been apart and tried to get me to move back in. I wondered how he could imagine he had been with me for the previous year in which he had been spending all his time with her. He married her. I’m much better off now without him, but it was horrible (even retelling it makes my chest hurt again). The worst part was the deception and denial – the gaslighting. He kept saying the sky was green even though I knew it was blue. I loved him so much I wanted to believe him even though I knew it wasn’t and the pain of having my world break apart made me more than a little crazy. I still dream about the whole thing.

  19. zillah. so sorry. “I have to go find some vegetables.” That slayed me, I have to admit. It’s whacky, the development with cell phones, isn’t it? They are potentially these little black boxes. At least 2 couples I know have joint emails ([email protected]). I get it but… ew? (says Venus in Aries, moon in Sadge).

  20. I found this when I was thinking about this couple and how he never gets caught. Cheating for years, with different persons. He´s very cautious about them leaving underwear or hairgrips at his place. He does not live togehter with the GF. She must be blind, and really respect his cellphone and believe every word he says and never ask anything. Apart from the underwear there have been other things, even a jacket (!) Their friends know so it´s really dirty. Their suns are 30 degrees apart, and some say the inconjuct suns are the ones who does not ever meet or communicate in synastry. Perhaps this is why. Saturn will square her sun late summer. When my ex was cheating I found it out all the time, there was a period of him lying it had stopped but I learned really well how to know. Just seeing him texting a message was enough in the end. But one transit I can tell. It was the year of jupiter conj ASC and pluto square sun. That year I realised my ex was really going to leave me. We were not even together anymore but he had been talking about starting over with me. Then I found out he had actually moved in with somebody else. He said it is not true, or just a friendship thing then. But they soon had children and moved to a bigger house. The year before, when I first saw them together and he denied everything I had saturn square venus. It was a bad experience, but acutally I don´t think he had any plans for her way back then. I just knew.

  21. Not just cell phones. One day my (now) ex was downstairs in the basement and had the cordless. I was in the bedroom where the base for the cordless was, and it started buzzing. I walked over to it and put my ear to the base… and it wasn’t buzzing I had heard, it was my ex talking!! The one and only time this had happened, it happened when my ex was saying things I never wanted to hear. I have Uranus square Moon in Scorpio in the 7th. I was going through my Uranus opposition. When Uranus wants to shatter things, he finds any way to do it… in this case, electronically. Ain’t it funny!!!

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