Crisis, Reality And The Shadow Side Of Love: Saturn In Libra Square Pluto In Capricorn

First everyone should know I have permission to write this. Some people want their problems broadcast for a variety of reasons.  First, it gives them air.  Seconds, seeing them written often shakes something loose. Third, they may get valuable feedback and fourth, they wish to serve so they donate their problem…

On that note, I was talking to a gal today and she brought me a very fine example of what many will face when Saturn in Libra squares Pluto in Capricorn. Here’s the situation:

She’s got this guy and she loves him although she admits he is not that good to her. The relationship has been maintained for more than a year… maybe going on two and while she would like to be married, she admits the man is not likely to marry to her.

If you think she sounds stupid, she is not.  She is just accepting of reality and the limitations that come with it. In other words I would characterize her as conscious rather than someone, “waiting for the miracle to come”.  So this is her deal and then her boyfriend turns up sick.

Now he is quite sick and while the picture is not yet clear there is some chance he could become disabled by his illness and this situation has hit her right between the eyes. What does this mean?

If she is a “doormat” when he is not sick and able to toss her at least some coin, will she continue to be a doormat when he is sick and can’t deliver at all?  How serious (Saturn) is this relationship (Libra) really?  Is she really committed?

On the Pluto side she must now face the shadow one way or the other.  If she abandons the guy, then she has to look at that. If she stays and sacrifices herself to him, she has to look at the cold reality (Capricorn) of her psychology (Pluto) there too.

Of what quality is her love? Is it dependent on the quality of his?  Is her love er… bullshit?  Is his?

The questions are endless.

What do you make of this? What would you do?

28 thoughts on “Crisis, Reality And The Shadow Side Of Love: Saturn In Libra Square Pluto In Capricorn”

  1. Depends.

    If the illness is temporary, take care of him and once he’s better, walk away knowing you are a good person even when it hurt you to be so. If he has any heart, he will realize the sacrifice, but she has to talk away afterwards or he will never learn.

    If the illness is permanent? Much rougher, but make sure someone can care for him, but leave him. If he was not good to her before, she should not sacrifice her life and future for someone who couldn’t care about her past.

    Tough break, but I think a lot of people have been there…. I know I have.

  2. OMG was the first thing I thought. Last year I was sick for several months, and for most of that time I thought that it was permanent, and would only get worse.

    If you want something to get your attention, possible permanent disability will get your attention. Big time attitude adjustment.

    I believe the way that he handles his illness will be the deciding factor in their relationship. Based on what I went through, and what I read in the post, I don’t think she will be the one that makes the decision.

  3. My knee-jerk reaction is that she should break up with him and get her own life, but at least offer him friendship and support should his health take a turn for the worse – as a friend, as someone who has compassion.

    Obviously though, I don’t know the people and can’t even say that I’d do that myself. But, that was my instant response.

  4. I found the synchronicity interesting, Cary Tennis @ Salon posted a very Saturn in Libra squre Pluto in Cap letter this week as well. Link below if you care to check it out.

    I’m posting because I feel the advice and comments given there, even though the situation is very different and involves varied complexities, it still bears resemblance to the advice that I would offer to this woman. >>>Confront the real issues, bravely<<<

  5. If he was seriously ill and didn’t have lots of other support, honestly, I would stay and take care of him but stop the romance and seek another boyfriend.

    I would honor my obligation but not put my romatic life on hold. I hope that doesn’t make me an ass.

  6. Oh my. {{sigh}}. I have faced a similar situation. In the end, there was no way to move forward without honoring my heart but every now and then I still catch a whiff of guilty feelings. Anyway: When it comes to supporting him through illness, she may well serve him better as a friend, than as an unsettled or unsatisfied lover.

  7. Love can be real (not bullshit) and the relationship still not work out. Personally, I don’t think it makes sense to sacrifice yourself for someone who doesn’t value you, regardless of what kind of situation that person is in. It’s very possible that he won’t recognized the sacrifice, and you’ll end up resenting it, which in my experience tends to strangle loving feelings.

    But if you leave, make sure you understand the reasons that you’re leaving, and that he may not see them the same way. Same goes for staying. If you leave because the relationship is not going to grow into a marriage and you want to be married, he may see it as leaving because he’s ill. You need to be able to live with the understanding that people will draw their own conclusions, regardless of your intentions.

  8. If he was seriously ill and didn’t have lots of other support, honestly, I would stay and take care of him but stop the romance and seek another boyfriend.

    I agree with this …

  9. Avatar

    I guess I would toss into the mix is … who does she want to be? As a person, what kind of person does she want to be? What are her boundaries? Is she aware of the possibility of anger, bitterness, and regrets to taint other happier relationships? This is common amongst people who give too much (eh, hem, looks in mirror, moves beyond that stage in life gone by)

    If and only if I were in her shoes I would try to write down (something concrete to go back to) what my needs, goals and boundaries were and then I’d give it my best shot to make things work – because I’m that kind of stubborn…. but if I were feeling pushed or drained then I’d have that concrete acknowledgement of ME waiting in the wings (and hopefully a good friend to remind me of it) if things took a turn for the worse.

  10. been there done that. take care of #1 first, or it’s all for naught. kick him to the curb (metaphorically and emotionally speaking of course.)so if he recovers, whaaat, he’s gonna ask for her hand? the writing was on the wall

  11. Hmmm I was in a similar situation. I had been dating my boyfriend for 2years and was waiting on the “ring”, when he fell 27 feet at work and broke his back. I felt our relationship would move ahead but then there were times that I thought it wouldn’t. I loved hime and he me so I went into Florence Nightingale mode. He recovered and we ended up getting married. Granted he was to recover. I wondered tho if he were to be paralyzed he would be miserable and I don’t know what I would have done, prob try to stick with it, not sure.

    Sometimes these things change people and the relationships. I knew that I loved him and the person I would be was someone that stepped up to the plate.

    I don’t know the total situation but I am sure they will make the best decision for them. Good luck xoxo.

  12. technical difficulties (waving at Hermes as he slides backwards) (sorry if multiple posts)

    my comment:

    look for the taurus in your chart

    tend your own garden

    the answer will be clear to you

  13. Just read this paragraph again for crissakes:

    She’s got this guy and she loves him although she admits he is not that good to her. The relationship has been maintained for more than a year… maybe going on two and while she would like to be married, she admits the man is not likely to marry to her.

    This happened to me although I left just as the illness was starting but we had already been together 10 years without marriage and the illness was kind of an afterthought to me. ie. Nothing was keeping me in that relationship come hell or high water.

    So what is SHE going to get out of this exactly? Nurse of the year award? A golden halo? Fiddlesticks. Too many people live with too much guilt. If he’s non-committal sick or well, run.

  14. If he hasn’t treated her well, she wants to get married in the future and he does not then I don’t think she has a long-term obligation.

  15. maybe she’s not looking at her real reality. She doens’t think she can do better that’s why she’s with someone who doenst’ treat her well. She settled and if she stays she will settle more. This disease is not her disease it is a life lesson for the guy to learn. She is not his mother so why surrender and sacrifice her life for him. NOting wrong iwth walking away. Just realize you can’t handle it and leave.

  16. ow. that’s really hard.

    i know of someone in similar situation; married to a man she loved who had a motorcycle accident and became totally disabled. on serious pain medications and became addicted to the point of being mostly incoherent. they had a child. serious financial difficulties and he required constant care. she stayed with him for many years out of obligation – the person she loved before was for all intents and purposes gone. she compensated by going out a lot, drinking, etc. she was miserable. eventually, she left him and ironically, that led him to end up making significant improvements in his condition and dealing with his addiction issues. but man, she felt trapped for many years and like a horrible person for leaving.

    i am not sure what i’d do, but i know the commitment of dating when it works out for both people is different than the commitment to take care of someone who becomes very ill. i wish this lady well…

  17. The illness may deepen her partner and he may be more capable of a meaningful relationship.
    But she must be very careful. I was also in a similar situation not long ago. I thought love could pull me through the sacrifices but it didn’t. It left me huddled on the floor in a ball of tears..not just once, but so many times and this is about the last thing a partner with a chronic illness needs. If you are unsure of the love…or if you can’t step up to the plate, accept your shortcomings and walk away. If the friendship is meant to last, it will.

  18. I think she should leave. Being a caregiver is totally sacrificing your life, and this dude won’t even marry her and doesn’t treat her well? He doesn’t deserve that sort of life-eating sacrifice from her, and it’d be time wasted that she could use to find someone else. If she waits until he’s better it might never happen.

    I know it’s asshole to dump someone when they are sick, I’m well aware of that, but sick people in general don’t get MORE pleasant to deal with. Though I guess he could realize that he should marry her, if only for a free nurse in the house. I hope she leaves before he proposes for free nursing.

  19. Most folks don’t know how good they have it until sh*t hits the fan. I’d stick by this man’s side in a friendly manner. If he failed to show appreciation and respect in spite of my efforts, I think I’d ween away, slowly until entirely.

    What good are we to others when we’re emotionally disabled, anyway? Not very.

  20. ouch.
    does she think the relationship is one where he’d take care of her during an illness like that? how valuable is the relationship to her?
    does he have family who’ll help?

    this kind of thing can really put your life on hold. there’s a need to weigh that loss versus the loss of moving on. i’d ask what value is there to her of this specific person in her life?

  21. I could not watch my mother give her all to the man she had loved all her adult life. The man was my father, who was very sick with dementia and multiple complications. She a Pisces Sun was there for the long haul. This was the man she loved, and she would and did care for him through everything.

    I watched that love, and at the time of his death, I was tormented because I could not watch it/listen to it or be with it. I believe the Pluto lessons for me (with lots of Scorpio Pluto and a Cappy Moon) was to dive deep into the realms of love shadows and the greys on the way to light.

    Today, I have a chronic illness that has no ‘cure.’ For 15 yrs. I have been the one with the irreversible disease, one that gets better with avoiDANCE, and demands so much from the lover who found me later in life.

    There are no easy answers to this question. Only when the shoe is yours and the situation calls for you to wear it, damn it, will the answers chip away at the darkness making way for transformation light. These kinds of human conditions are meant to point to character on both ends.

    Messy, yes. Murky, definitely. And when you live a few decades, messy and murky are just part of the whole shebang.

  22. I’m trying to imagine what if I will be the one who will need taking care of. Honestly, I can’t think of a specific person who will do that in the blink of an eye except for my best friend who’s now happily married in Tennessee. She’s there when I gave birth to my firstborn, and went through labor with me. Thus she’s claimed my daughter as her own as well.

    I am giving serious thought to this really. At some point I know that I have to do some taking somehow….

  23. I am in a similar situation, though I am the one who might be left (though I don’t think this will happen). My advice would be: don’t look at the concept of love you have, look at how it manifests from day to day. Look at the reality of it. You will recognize it if love’s there (and not the self-acrificing kind- that’s not love). If not, time to get out, illness or not. I have seen major shifts in attitude in myself and my boyfriend since I became ill. Serious love 🙂

  24. I just read the thread about leaving a partner in a way that doesn’t boomerang through the rest of your life before reading this one. I agree with the posts about being kind in this situation, but pulling back on the romance. I wonder if he has other friends and family who will step up to the plate? I think she has to react in a way that leaves her with her integrity, either way. Is there a way to be kind and honest at the same time?

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