Dear Elsa,
I’ve moved back to spend some time with my family, after being away for about 10 years with no visits at all for the last 5 years or so. I’ve never been very into my family and while I’ve kept it “cordial” with them over the years, we’ve been having very exaggerated blowups since I returned.
Also a few months ago I suddenly started realizing a lot of things: that I felt very hurt by them since early childhood, that I spent most of my teenage years feeling completely detached from and oblivious of them, and that I was glad to get the hell out of the country at 17.
Further, I realized that I’m terrified of getting into any more relationships with women because I’ve gone from being a nice guy whenever I’m involved in a relationship, to kind of a scary, controlling freak. I always project upon women as if they’re a crazy, demanding bitch… but I’m not even sure what’s what anymore
Now I’d like to figure out what my way out of my issues is. Since I’ve been back, I pick on everything they do, criticize them mercilessly and they’re shocked. I don’t want to be this way, but it seems like I can’t have a discussion without having a fight. I returned in a very good mood and eager to rejoin my family, and instead I’ve been a wreck, lying in bed for the last few months, and letting several good career opportunities slide.
I don’t want to be an asshole and shred their self-confidence, even if I’m being honest. Then I’ll be just like them! Help!
Man With Issues
United States
Dear Issues,
It is clear that you have problems and need help beyond what I can offer in an advice blog. But perhaps I can give you some clues that will send you in the right direction.
First, you have no separation with your family. I don’t care if you traveled around the world and thought yourself independent: you carry their energy. The way I like to put it is, you have swallowed them whole. They live in you.
If you question this, go look in the mirror. Whose eyes are those? Whose eyebrows? You can see the physical manifestation of this, and I assure you this merge with your family takes place on other (all) levels.
So using this analogy, you can comb your (inherited) hair however you want. You can dye your hair or shave your head… but you can be sure that when your hair grows out, it’s going to be what? It is going to be your family hair. And you cannot escape this even if it is horribly disturbing to you.
And having Libra and a packed 7th house, I sure you want it to be them not you.
And having Aquarius rising I am sure you want to see yourself as an individual.
And having your Sun conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius, I am sure you want to be a high-minded spiritual sort.
But the fact remains, you have your family’s energy. The only way you are going to be able to resolve your problems is by understanding this, accepting and integrating it… so that ultimately you can have command of it and I’ll give you an example.
It is well and widely known that I was raised by a criminal and in fact I am not an innocent. I cop to having inherited a criminal mind and I use it on a daily basis to write this blog… which I feel is a high-minded service.
You can do the same with your family’s negative energy… but not until and unless you acknowledge you have been passed this baton.
Good luck.
My sibling left the country almost two decades ago and when she returns home a very similar thing happens. The family has undertaken a seriously revolution in the time that she has been away, and I think she feels very ailienated (she moved out of the country at 18 and now at 35 wants to move back, but can’t).
She too has serious issues from her childhood, and believe me: it is impossible to drag other people back into the past with you. You cannot do it! This is your past! Have issues? Then go to a counsellor. Your family may have been assholes to you, but now it’s up to you. It sounds like it’s time to leave them again (I’m not suggestinand get a new perspective. I finally got the apology I thought I deserved from a family member who deeply hurt me as a child after 12 years. Once I got the apology, I felt great for a time, but realized it was inconscequential: I still needed to look at myself.
(I’m not suggesting leave them forever)
Not that this is what is happening with this man. When I moved back to the country I didn’t respond in a culturally appropriate manner anymore. The things that my family did rubbed me the wrong way as my “cultural face” had changed so much that my expectations of behavior, right and wrong comments, rudeness etc. had changed so much that I alienated some of my family by not responding the way I used to respond, the way that our culture expects us to respond.
There was a culture clash even though I grew up in this culture and loved my family so very much. It has taken time to heal the wounds that were never intended during that time. Reverse culture shock can be awful and difficult to deal with if the person who lived outside of the US has changed in ways that they may not have realized to fit into the foreign culture. That culture clash occurs in their head and they have difficulty sorting it out. It doesn’t help that there is pressure from the family for “old stuff” or “childhood culture” at the same time.
If this man can get a counselor that can see the myriad of issues he has to deal with, family, self, culture, he will be well served and lucky to have such help. I wish him the best of luck as this can be a particularily difficult time of learning about oneself.
Best of luck!!
reading this was a small shock. I suddenly realized that I am acting like my mom does in emotional situations. Giving gifts, sacrificing myself without anyone asking that of me, and when I don’t get what I expect (without asking for it) I cry bloody murder. Self-reflection is tough, for e it has been for a long time, but therapy is a modern tool not to be underestimated. It also helped me forgive myself more by realizing I was on auto-pilot for a long time, and miraculously forgive my mom for everything. Unfortunately that was replaced by sadness which I am still struggling with. I wish you all the best and good luck in finding happiness and forgiveness,
Elena
Seeing this I was like :O
People tell me I have no separation either.. they visit and I scream like a spoiled child. I am having my mars Pluto transit.. their limiting beliefs also crippled my potential.. I had my moon Pluto transit and was often lying around or yelling like this guy.. the umbilical cord got cut I think but now it’s time for limiting beliefs to be shattered for empowerment.. people do not understand why we argue.. it is hard