Dear Elsa,
I’ve been married to my husband for five years and we’ve been together for eight. Everything seemed almost perfect. We understood each others’ flaws and were able to get over most of it – but there is one thing that I still can’t get over. I am afraid it will cause me to leave my husband even though I am 6 months pregnant with our first baby, and it seems to be a very joyous time for us.
I’ve always known he has watched porn in the past, therefore I try my best to make sure he has half naked pictures of me – and even videos of us. I feel as though I’ve tried so hard to make sure he is satisfied, but just two weeks ago I caught him having pictures of other girl’s faces that he uses to masturbate. I feel betrayed and cheated. If he really loved me wouldn’t he only want me? It’s not even just porn because porn has women and men, but it’s just the new face that he wants. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted
because all I’ve tried to do for him.
His reasoning was that he sometimes wants something new only when I’m gone. He says that he wants me and only me when I’m home with him – but how do I know that when we are having sex he is not thinking of someone else’s face? Do I have the right to be upset or should I just think that all men are that way, that one woman is never enough?
I have told him that I’ll try my best to cope with the problem, but I can’t promise how disturbing it can be in our relationship to the point of separation. I feel so hurt because he is a great husband and probably a great father to our child to be. I don’t know how to express my feelings to him to let him know how hurtful it is for him to continue to do what he is doing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Betrayed
Laos
Dear Betrayed,
I am inordinately sensitive to pregnant women. I think that making a baby is one of the most demanding things a woman can do, so I take great care when I get a question from a gal carrying a child. And when I read yours I was hoping there would be some way to softpedal or ease an answer in your direction; but as it turns out, your chart is so extreme I am just going to have to come from an odd angle and hope I do a good enough job of making sense (without causing any harm).
Now it seems clear to me that although the porn is very hurtful, you do love your husband and would prefer to keep family together. And I agree with you. Your husband is honest, he is there and he has been there for eight years. So is there a way you can react differently to this situation? I say there is.
Now you are 26. And while that’s no baby, I am a lot older than you and can tell you that you are going to find out all kinds of things about sex… if you’re lucky! For example, while I do think men are more visual than women, when it comes to an ability to fantasize they’ve got nothing on us. And with as chart like yours, this is particularly true. You would be hard pressed to find someone who would be able to out-fantasize you so I have to think this whole situation is leading you to discover your own sexuality.
See, we start out with all these rigid rules. Won’t do that. Can’t do that. But the best lovemaking occurs when these walls come down. You can’t keep them up, anyway. You’ll kill yourself trying. You cannot expect a man to lie on top you and focus his mind on you, you, you, you to the exclusion of anything else. It is not realistic but it is also not desirable.
Because if turnaround is fair play, then you’re going to have lie beneath him and think if him, him, him, him and I am sorry… but that is freakishly limited, don’t you think?
This is not a male/female issue. I am a woman and I think about all kinds of things during sex. This does not mean I don’t know who I am in bed with. I am so grateful for a partner that gives me freedom. Because we are all interested in taboo, consciously or otherwise. I want to explore my sexuality utterly and completely, don’t you?
Think about it. Do you want to color between the lines this time, next time and the time after… until the end of time? I don’t think you do. Your chart says otherwise. Your chart says, this girl is boundless. This girl can travel. She has an imagination that can take her anywhere. So let me give you a “for instance”.
What if the next time you have sex with your husband, you imagine that teacher you had a crush on when you were thirteen years old? Think that might raise your temperature? Try it. And with that in your mind, let it go if it wants… your husband’s face is transposed with this other face… and then another and another.
If you did that, would it mean you do not love your husband? No. It would mean you are a vitally alive sexual being – and if he is same, then you can be set for life. Nobody likes a rut. And here is the newsflash: especially you!
I’m going to say it again. You have a Sagittarius Moon conjunct Neptune. You have an exact Sun, Pluto, Black Moon conjunction in the 12th house… in Scorpio no less. You have a Mercury Uranus conjunction in the 1st, also in Scorpio and puleeease… let your dogs out to play, I think you’ll be very happy if you do.
The baby growing inside you? He or she is a product of your powerful sexuality. Feel it and rejoice.
Much love and good luck to you and your family.
Betrayed,
Have you tried re-reading what you just wrote? Everything is almost perfect… except he won’t stop thinking the wrong things. He’s a great husband and will probably be a wonderful father but he won’t surrender his mind to me and think what I want him to think. If he truly loves me, he should love nothing else. Its not even that he’s DOING anything wrong, you’re disturbed to the point of separation because he’s THINKING the wrong things. Take a look at your expectations — are they reasonable?
I understand that you’re pregnant and I’m guessing that part of this may be wanting to feel secure, especially for the benefit of your baby on the way. That said, this issue is more about your insecurity than it is about your husband. The more controlling you get, the greater chance that you will create reasons for your husband to want to get away. You’re attracting what you fear, understand?
At the end of the day, nobody can be the entire world to another person, nor would you want to be. You’re not the only thing in the Universe that brings him joy — and that’s ok. Believe me, when your baby is born you’re going to discover that your husband isn’t the focus of your attention either. What then? If you want the control of your husband’s thoughts, you apparently want responsibility for his every need too. How would you be able to be responsible for both your baby’s well being and your husband’s happiness?
Ease up. Let him be human. Give him and yourself a break. Try focusing on everything he does right instead of this one thing you don’t like… otherwise, if you can’t live without mindless devotion, get a dog.
Beautiful advice Elsa, and I hope the questioner will find peace and have a happy, healthy pregnancy and marriage.
What needs to be touched upon, in addition to the above analysis…is with “Betrayed’s” preponderance of Scorpio & Pluto in her chart, there is going to be a very marked tendency toward jealousy and sexual idealism. And not idealism in the high-minded sense, but more that sex is sacred…and a scorp wants to be the everything and only thing to another person in that regard. It certainly makes the sex more intense and meaningful, and possibly even trancsendent. But, alas, the motivation behind such a focus can be a bit muddy…often the scorpio is simply looking to “own” the other person, or that in having such an intense union it staves off the possibility of the other person looking elsewhere and possibly abandoning scorpio.
With all that said, Scoripio’s focus really can elevate sex to a level that many of us could learn from….if so inclined.
So, how does that help “Betrayed?” Sometimes a glimpse into our own motivations brings situations into perspective…and somewhat more manageable. Anyway, food for thought.
Betrayed,
Hey girl,
Don’t listen to these idiots. You are right to be mad and hurt. Sex is supposed to be one man one women. Including our minds. When we commit adultry in our minds we have commited adultry. Bottom line. Don’t let them corrupt you into thinking you have to be like them with your sexuality and wreck your morals. Don’t get me wrong we have all found ourselves wrapped up in a fantasy or two but, that doesn’t make it right. I have found that when I keep my mind only on my husband and push thoughts of other men out of my mind as soon as they pop up, thats when I feel the closest to him and able to fully love him. People need to realize that just because most people do certain things doesn’t mean they have to keep doing them. Maybe these people should try fully loving their spouse and see how fulfilling it really can be. Men are capable of doing it to. But we live in a society that has warped the meaning of sex and, what it was meant for in the first place. If people wouldn’t fantasize about others so much maybe their wouldn’t be so much infidelity. And we all know what becomes of cheaters. They usually end up miserable after they lose their family. Wishing they had never cheated in the first place. Too bad there aren’t more people pushing monogamy instead of infedelity. This would be a much better place. Betrayed, I am sorry this has happened to you. I know it hurts. I have been in your shoes. It’s gutwrenching and there is nothing that eases that feeling; not even bringing yourself down to there level and getting even. The pain is still there. Whatever you do just don’t get advice from some crazy psychic. Give me a break. Please tell me you didn’t pay to here that mumbo jumbo. Lady, get a real job and quit stealing money from desperate people like Betrayed. People like you make me sick feeding off other peoples desperate situations. You’re a bottom feeder and one day you’ll have to answer for that crazy crap. I hope some of you people give complete monogamy a chance before you totally disregard it. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. How will you know for sure until then. By the way we are meant to be the entire universe to our spouse. When we get married we become one.
Oh Elsa, I am sorry. Why do you publish this trina woman’s hatemail? You do not deserve to be called names on your own blog.
Oh honey, that’s gotta feel awful… But I don’t think it’s nearly as serious as it feels right now. I’ve dealt with having a partner downright addicted to porn, plus cyber and phone sex… I also suspect he was out cheating on me in real life. He was doing it behind my back when I was pregnant with my first child. I found out about it afterward and things were never the same for us. I never fully trusted him again.
Now I’m pregnant again, and happily engaged to the baby’s father. He looks at porn regularly too, but he doesn’t try to hide it and is uninterested in phone or cyber. It’s not a secret, it never comes before me or our physical relationship, and he’s always loving, attentive, and interested in me. It makes a BIG difference. He behaves in an open, honest, trustworthy manner, and that combined with knowing him so well makes me feel secure, despite my history.
Your husband sounds like a good guy, though probably more than a little clueless about just how emotional, insecure, and vulnerable we feel when we’re pregnant. He probably has NO IDEA that this thing is hurting you so much, and even if he ‘knew’ it would probably blow his mind. It wouldn’t make sense to him because of course he only loves and wants you! But this isn’t a logic kind of thing, it’s an emotional thing. It doesn’t matter so much WHY it bothers you, it just does!
I think Elsa has a great point about the fantasy, and I think she’s right. This is and isn’t a guy thing. Guys do this, yes, but so do women. Loving, faithful couples look at porn, together and seperately, it just depends on what turns you on… But that might not work for you right now. If you really can’t accept it as harmless fantasy, then tell him so. Maybe you two need to set limits of what’s ok and what isn’t right now, while pregnant. Maybe those limits will be different when the baby is born and you’ve recovered… But right now your emotional state is very important, whether it makes sense or not. Talk to him… If he doesn’t ‘get it’ there are tons of books and websites that discuss how pregnancy affects our emotions.
Oh… Trina makes me laugh. I think it’s great that you posted her comment Elsa and I read your reasons for doing so.
I think your answer to Betrayed was so right on, I’m going to print it out and give it to the next wife/friend of mine who I hear complain about their husband and porn (there’s actually quite a few). You said is so perfectly, and kindly.
Just right.
xoxo
You girls are right; I was a bit rough on Elsa. But, I stick by what I say about the whole porn issue. For anyone interested I have a great website for you all to check out. If not, thats ok too. But, I hope everyone has an open mind and at least checks it out. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html And Elsa, again I apologize for being so rough on you. I was just a bit shocked at how everyone is so accepting of porn in there marriage. Has anyone really thought about what is going on there. We are being invited to join in something that is supposed to be sacred, intimate and personal. It was never meant to be turned into something so dirty. And I am not saying you should just have boring sex with your spouse there are lots of things you can do to keep it alive and very enjoyable without thinking of other people. What has this world come to? It’s really scary if you think about the kids these days. They are having sex at younger and younger ages. The young girls dress very skimpy. Why do you think that is? All the sex they see on tv plus if the parents have no morals how are the children suppose to. They need to be taught about what sex is suppose to be about. The thing of it is that when these people keep feeding porn addiction the more they are going to want it. If you just completly cut it out, the craving eventually goes away. Think about it the more you feed something the more it grows. If you stop feeding something what does it do? It shrivels up and dies. This porn addiction and fantasies about others only progresses to the next step slowly. Others not so slowly. And seekingzen, I truly hope that your husband doesn’t progress to the next levels. Good luck to you with that. And did you guys notice that Betrayed said she has known that her husband viewed porn in the past so she tried to keep pictures and videos of herself around. it obviously bothered her before the pregnancy. I hope you guys really sit and think about how porn has changed the ideas of sex these days and its affects and that you guys check out the website I have posted. Just check it out with an open mind. It can’t hurt can it? Especially you ladys that think it s ok to let porn into your homes. If your marriage ends up torn up from the eventual chain effect that porn has, this website might help. And be really honest with yourselves about how you really feel about your spouse watching another women have sex among other things and them imaganing they were with them while having sex with you. Is it really ok with you that maybe they would like to have sex with someone else but, they don’t want to get into trouble or that it may lead up to them cheating. Thanks everyone for being so polite even though I handled the conversation so sternly. I definitly could have approached it a little nicer and i will definitly keep that in mind in the future.
Agree with Trina – pornography is a vile industry, and has progressed to child pornography, and thus child sex trafficking and the rest of it. I do not accept that it is just part of today’s society. If people can’t get off without it, then stay off.