Facebook: Friends Of Friends And Friends Of Enemies

Someone brought this up in conversation today,  I thinks it’s pretty topical.  For one thing, so many are on facebook where people intersect and not always happily so.

It seems worth considering the impact of all these friends of friends and friends of enemies we now gather as a matter of routine on various social networks.

It’s long been understood that you are who you associate with though. . For example, if you’re standing on the street with a bunch of gang members, you raise your risks of being shot at.  If you’re in a crack den and the cops come in and round everyone up, you’re going with.

We don’t think so much in these terms at the moment. It’s a “we’re all connected” sort of world but I wonder if it might be wise to think a little harder.

As an example, say I someone I know to be quite horrible. I have personal experience with them – I KNOW their character and then I see you are friends with them on facebook. Does this impact my feelings about you?

It’s not supposed to in some kind of idealistic world but in reality, I say it does. I mean, you’re friends with my rapist… I am going to get a little nervous see?

What do you think about this? Does it matter who you know?

38 thoughts on “Facebook: Friends Of Friends And Friends Of Enemies”

  1. Hell effing yes! If there is anything I have learned with Saturn in Libra, it is this very lesson. And just in the nick of time, no doubt.

  2. Oh, sure. I used to be friends with this vicious piece of work, and I finally had to end it with her. The sheer numbers of people who started being friendly with me after I amputated her was very telling.

  3. So True…Some years back I worked with a woman who shared many interests with me. I really enjoyed her company until she befriended this really toxic, two-faced bitch.

    She was a “mean girl” and really trash talked everyone the minute they turned their back. It was weird to see someone that I thought of as a very nice person start behaving badly and making fun of people.

    I totally lost interest in being friends.

  4. Avatar

    I’m a lot more picky about who I wish to associate with, mostly because I realized that in some way it was my own fault, I was trying to look at the positive of some people to fit in more and at least appear nice to other friends. No more, but that has little to do with Saturn in Libra.

    On the flip side, there are people, perhaps otherwise good, who have such poor judgement about people, organizations, and power situations that I don’t want anything to do with them anymore either, since some have even defended obviously creepy and sociopathic people. I don’t think Saturn in Libra is going to help them with that.

  5. Feeling paranoid…looking around at my friends on FB…I hope none of them are rapists! If they were I would hope to know about it and I would amputate immediately. But I have experienced lately silence from friends that I used to be very close with, or I thought, and now hardly ever…not sure why. But I am feeling the restriction. There is someone I had to amputate recently that was a good friend, due to his horrible behavior towards me. He didn’t see (Pluto in Leo in the 12th on his ASC cusp). Still doesn’t as he hasn’t apologized yet.

  6. The thing is….. why would you hang out with a rapist or a killer? You see…. people are gonna be like; you’re hanging out with the person that hurt many/a lot people and you think it’s okay?

    The thing is why would you make friends with so many bad people? Do you feel sorry for them? Why feel sorry for them when they made the choice to be so horrible?

  7. “The thing is why would you make friends with so many bad people?”

    In terms of the person I spoke of above, I wondered about it long after the fact, because she has been an anomaly of a friend. The only thing I can come up with is that she befriended me at a time of my life where a huge chunk of my friendships disappeared–my 2 closest girlfriends moved away, my other friend was caring for a mentally ill spouse and baby at home, roommate situation from hell. Etc. In short, I was lonely. And she didn’t immediately present as a psycho. She’d want to go out, go to shows and movies and have coffee and I was grateful for the company. It lasted about 4 years before I broke loose.

  8. I´ve got something like a hierarchy of loyalties, and that works in real life as well as in the virtual world. Haven´t had any problems like that on facebook though. But I also have no problem ditching anyone one of my friends might not feel comfortable with – if there´s a reason to it i can relate to.

  9. I felt guilty for having someone on my list who had treated a friend of mine badly. It was temporarily taken care of, when drama ensued, until the person sent me a request (after having ditched me over a lie), and I accepted because I was so exhausted, and she apologized.

    I make excuses for people, and also know that they have their good sides, otherwise I wouldn’t have liked them at all. I do also feel bad, though, for not being more outspoken on behalf of certain people – I was to a point, but should have said more. So, maybe what happened with me was karma, and a reminder of what it feels like to be in that position.

    I don’t expect others to ditch people who have been mean to me. I’ve also turned into a mean girl, temporarily, to make a point when I’ve had enough – new behaviour for me, and it won’t continue, but I’ve just become tired of accepting crappy treatment. I feel guilty afterwards, though – I don’t like sinking to that level, and don’t like hurting anyone.

  10. “In terms of the person I spoke of above, I wondered about it long after the fact, because she has been an anomaly of a friend. The only thing I can come up with is that she befriended me at a time of my life where a huge chunk of my friendships disappeared–my 2 closest girlfriends moved away, my other friend was caring for a mentally ill spouse and baby at home, roommate situation from hell. Etc. In short, I was lonely. And she didn’t immediately present as a psycho. She’d want to go out, go to shows and movies and have coffee and I was grateful for the company. It lasted about 4 years before I broke loose.”

    I see.

  11. My dad always used to tell me “dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres.”

    That’s Spanish for “tell me who you hang with and I’ll tell you who you are.”

    This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to or greet certain people ever again. It just means that who you participate in personal intercourse with matters. Some will boost your spirits. Others will take you down with them (or get you in trouble).

  12. My point is even if you don’t think it matters or think it *should* matter, it does.

    It’s like if all your friends are idiots, what’s that say about you?

    Saturn in Libra brings us down to earth and reality. Theory is irrelevant when Saturn is on deck.

  13. Yeah, Conoco…you know, it was a really bad situation. I have Neptune in the 12th which I’ve read can be the marker of a messiah complex. I wasn’t a super extreme example of this, but it took me until my Saturn Return to fully accept the reality–if someone treats others badly, I’m not going to ignore it because they’re nice to me. I am not going to change someone or save them from being an asshole.
    When someone is betraying you, betraying your confidence, it can have an insidious effect.

    In short, I was weak.

    I consider myself a kind person but I take responsibility for the mess. It’s one of the few relationships I’ve had in life where there is nothing but bitterness and regret. I wish I could say differently but I’d be lying.

  14. I should also mention I have Uranus in 11th and am attracted to friends and groups of people who are quite different than me. There’s a strange appeal there and it hasn’t always been positive.

  15. I deactivated my account, partially because I was torn up over who was on my list. I suddenly didn’t trust a few people, but didn’t know how to go about dealing with it – delete, or message them and delete? Tell them what I’d been told? I’m too soft – I deactivated knowing I didn’t want them there. I’d already made it clear that I wasn’t happy, but I hate being deleted with no warning, as a few people had done with me.

    I had a dream this morning, about deleting people from FB – that’s how much it gets to me, which is just ridiculous.

  16. a few years ago, almost four actually, I amputated a gal friend. cleanly. for cause. and one of our mutual friends called me up and told me off (in a message on my answering machine) and ended it by wishing my children harm. it seemed clear she thought I had done something horrible to this other person; I have no idea what because I’m not going to call and ask.

    she amputated me and in the end I thought, meh, good riddance. if you’d believe the shit someone talks about me then I don’t want you either. and if you threaten my children, wish them harm? thanks for letting me know you’re a cunt. ::snip::

    1. “He amputated me and in the end I thought, well, what a liberation. If you believe the bullshit someone says about me then I don’t want you either.” I feel in tune with what Satori said. if you believe someone’s slander or gossip about me (often others too), and you go to certain points or even spasomidically try to increase discord or provoke conflicts or clashes, just maybe to see what the conditions are like reactions, unfortunately you don’t get much with me. I can’t deny that I’m sorry, I see that solutions sometimes involve clashes, and it’s not that I don’t think good things aren’t possible from those too. the fact is that there are those who are blindly accustomed to this behavior. if I had to say the first thing I think when emotion annoys me and makes me aggressive it would be: “and what do you do to exacerbate this situation?” when I did it I got several defensive responses: “I want peace” many seem certain of what they say but they also have a tremor inside that isn’t exactly how they say it. and how can we not understand them? everything is uncertain, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy to always pour out your discomfort and uncertainty on a situation or on some people. I often tell myself this when I myself exaggerate in an outburst to free myself from the internal pressure I tend to swallow. we need friends who can stand and understand but no one can stand alone forever. I have Pluto opposite the sun and I often even have people who project for better or for worse, every time I say to myself, what about me? project? what am I projecting, how long do I intend to carry forward these refractions that hurt me? However, a lesson that I put into practice is: hold on to the thousand doubts, accept your and others’ ambivalence and have faith that we are not all completely insane, have patience and things will come to light on their own sooner or later, even after years ( I don’t always succeed, especially
      to remind me, if I don’t give myself time to stay in my private space as much as I need). This way of mine has negative implications in terms of “external realization”. now I say: so be it! (Amen), at other times it gnaws at me, but.. then it just seems like going in circles and the external rewards.. “aren’t worth the candle”. I must have talked too much, sorry

      1. I remember well one time when a former work colleague of a person I love very much approached me at the supermarket checkout. she told me a phrase that was really unpleasant for me about my friend, who is not a simple but honest person, I was immobile looking into her severe and cold eyes but inside I had a fire and words of annihilation since I was aware of facts about her honesty, I could really make her make the bad impression she seemed to be trying for. I opted to let myself feel embarrassed for her. I just said something like: “How are you? Are you okay? I have to go, best wishes!

        1. I’m still thinking about whether I was right or wrong in listening to this gratuitous and unsolicited opinion from this person who approached me just to tell me that, and I didn’t report it to my friend so as not to generate more shit.

          1. wow…I just learned that the husband of that woman at the grocery store years ago has been on dialysis for some time. My friend’s husband, who has cancer and they met at the hospital where they both go assiduously, told me this. what to say..

  17. the fact that facebook brings these people up as possible friends bother me. i mean, yeah, a bunch of my friends know them… i know them… i’d rather i didn’t. thanks.
    actually, just ran into that today.

  18. Truth Satori. Sorry that that happened, no one should ever wish harm on another’s child ever.

    And personally if another mutual were still friends after they said some fucked up shit like that, amputation deserved, sorry.

  19. lost a long comment on this while editing, but upshot of all is yes, can be a threat and probably wise to check connections from time to time and heed elsa’s raised awareness on this…
    lupa’s action is wise, if friends of friends can hurt you then let them know you can’t afford the risk and they can communicate with you outside of FB if they care enough….

  20. A lot is about lessons and judgement. The mask we wear to get what we want, what we think we need. And ultimatly how we deal with it and come out the other side.

    I am quite a loner (too sensative to others energys – brings me down) but I have been on the wrong end of some very unpleasant situations, not only for me, but those I care about.

    At the moment I am going through some horrendous stuff with husband (cheating on me), but also trying to help male friend support his wife in her decline.

    I have amputated many – including my own relations at times – not nice nor easy, but very, very necessary.

    Judgement by association can be very alarming – but we must remember, we are all looking to see how we fit in, our place. Only with experiance can we do this, good or bad. Judgement can be way adrift (we get upset because we care), but in time its still a personal lesson, just hoping we dont do too much damage to others on the way.

    Socal networking can help many hide their true selfs… the mask we wear…

    As good friends, we can only support each other, if need be then yes we have to walk away.

    I have no FB nor other social media place, only some blog association for my hobbies. Thats enough for me. I am not portaying false picture of who I am, nor make my slef vulnerable to others attack or assumptions of me.

    Those that want to know me do so with respect or go their own way. Those that dont like me, I have my work cut out keeping them at bay. Funny that, they dont like me, but still insistant in interfering in my life… hhhmmmm sense their own jealousy rearing their – why bother with me if you dont like me….

    The media/celeb culture has a lot to do with this at the moment, all very unsavoury and soul destroying for many.

  21. How do I show that I’m jumping up and down, waving my arms and shouting “HELL YES!” to this post? 😉 Seriously, this is so very true. Saturn in Libra has underlined this lesson for me already… and luckily before I got TOO mutilated. I saw the red flags and only got grazed by a few bullets.

    And it’s not only about “who do you want to associate with,” but also “who do you want associated with you.” It really does matter. And in light of these Saturn in Libra lessons, I have amputated a couple people, including family members. That was hard, but when your own family members are betraying you (even if it’s just with words and gossip), you gotta question whether you want someone like that in your posse.

    I don’t. Life’s too short (and already difficult enough) to hang with nasty people.

  22. I used to always think that I should judge others based on how they treat me, not their treatment of others. Had to learn the hard way that how they treat others will eventually be turned on you. It may take time, but nobody will be spared seeing that side of them.
    I used to watch couples on dates at the hotel. Whenever there was a man who treated his date with caring, but at the same time, treated the server like total sh*t, I’d want to just shake the woman and warn her, “look, he will eventually treat you this way, run!”

  23. Agree, ruth aka “A reprobate is a reprobate is a reprobate”, according to pal, Arie who has been around many a block and survived a shot in the chest. 🙂

  24. The thing is why would you make friends with so many bad people?

    The magic of low self esteem, a sense of loneliness, and general naivety.

  25. This is such a thoughtful post!

    I think it does very much bother me who my friends on FB associate with.
    I had a very distasteful flatmate and she for the most part was the most unreasonable person to be around. I mean judgemental (not only of me but my family too) emotionally wanted coddling but never so much as thought of me as another person, she’d even dictate what food was allowed when we were sharing cooking, cleaning and grocery chores, plus stomp around the house talking loudly on her cell phone with her elephant feet at 2 am with lights on almost in every room. It was a nightmare – add to this utter lack of privacy – my laptop was always being peeked into, i was always asked who i got phone txts and calls from, what party or where i’d been, i believe my bathroom hours were discussed with a few common friends (all as a “joke”). When a common friend announced that she felt strongly for this girl and i shouldn’t say anything negative about her – that was the last straw. I have kept my distance from that circle of common friends ever since.
    Quite a bit of betrayal that was. In fact another girl told me she’s only insecure and i should view her behavior more compassionately. Well I strongly believe in do unto others as you want done unto yourself. It’s only on this forum and anonymously that I’ve brought this up. What is that saying about bad apples. Even if I want to believe all our common friends weren’t of the same mindset I just prefer giving the whole lot a wide berth even on FB.

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