This old post is relevant today, in light of comments made on today’s post. Plus, it’s interesting!
I hold opinions that are contrary to the people around me these days. I just simply don’t agree with the common view of the group that surround me.
Having Libra, I want to get along.
Having Capricorn, it’s virtually impossible for me to compromise my integrity.
Having Mars conjunct Mercury in the 9th house, it’s nearly impossible for me to shut up or to lie.
This morning’s conflict involves gift giving. The group wants to throw a party for a man who is leaving. The man hates parties. He’s shy. He’s a loner. He’s a bookworm who is socially awkward, particularly in groups.
I’m sure plenty of you can relate. So when the group decided to give this man a party, that he has stated plainly, he does not want – I think it’s wrong.
I was told the burden was on the man to accept the gift, since people want to give to him. BACK-ASSWARDS. It reminded me of these videos on the topic:
This one tells of how I believed I was giving someone something but I was actually burdening them:
This one tells the story of Paul, husband of Paula, who was dead-set on giving my triple Capricorn grandfather, a gift he did not want.
Understanding that people have different values or what I call, “currency” (Venus), can take you a very long way.
Not understanding this can stop progress in your life in ways and to degrees you may not even be able to imagine.
Do you tend to give people things they want, or things that you want them to want?
Venus in Aquarius.
I want freedom and detachment. Another person wants intensity and emotion. We’re two different birds.
I remember that my mom and dad used to have this fight. My dad would say “the gift is for the giver” and my mom vehemently disagreed. I think it pointed to their fundamental differences.
In my case, Im with my Mom on this one. I try to honor and respect people.
Now, Im not going to say that I havent bought my son educational toys when all he wants is video games:)
My 23-year-old daughter and I often walk the dog together at night and have beautiful conversations. Two nights ago she talked to me about an American Girl doll I gave her on her 9th birthday. We, of course, remember the experience differently but as a 9-year-old the impact was visceral on her. She didn’t want the doll, but knew I had gone out of my way to buy a doll that seemed representative of her (eye color, hair color, gymnastic outfit). Not long after she opened the gift I found her crying in her room. I don’t remember what I said but she ended up always feeling ungrateful. Obviously, I didn’t handle it as well as I wish.
But talking it over, I knew at the time she wasn’t a “doll” girl, but her other friends had received American Girl dolls and I wanted her to feel included. Instead, I should have known my girl was an individual.
So, no, never purposely give someone a gift that can only be a burden to them.
I have always been a big believer in The Gift is for the Recipient, and have always done my best to operate with that maxim in mind.
I am a Virgo Sun and a Libra Venus and do the same! 🙂
I give what the recipient wants. If I know the person very well, I might give something I think they’ll like and generally my gifts are a hit. They tell me after how much they like them. I hate clutter. I don’t want tchotchkes. I would also never give decorating items unless it was a specific request. I like the idea of gifting an experience or luxury but again, this would have to be something they specifically mentioned, like tickets to a show.
If the gift is “just because” I think there is more leeway, and you can give something they might like; it’s just a bonus and if it misses, the thought is still appreciated.
Libra Venus in the 2nd, it’s about fulfilling a wish for them, not what I want.
Gift giving and receiving causes me no end of anxiety and stress and I hate it. Gifts are burdensome by nature, there is implicit obligation. Cash is my go-to (not gift cards, can’t buy drugs with gift cards) even though that might seem cold. It’s the most practical too, I have Virgo!
Haha:) cant buy drugs with gift cards:)
Some times I try to imagine what that person needs or would be pleased to receive. At other times I choose a practical gift. Cap Rising with natal Venus in Sag.
I give them what THEY want that speaks to their soul. I tend to listen to people closely. Observe and remember what they have seen that they wanted or a conversation where they express a deep passion for something .then..I surprise them. Example. A woman relative talked reminiscently of making rappie pie which involves a special pan. I hunted high and low for one and surprise her with it. It might have been 6 months ago she talked about it but I tend to remember. I get it because it speaks to her soul.
My partner has taurus and aries and can’t get that what he would like to receive isn’t what I would enjoy and he likes to give e stuff he would want. What’s almost endearing is he’s always surprised!
I like to give food, it’s hard to go wrong with a jar full of homemade cookies. At the same time I try to listen to what the person is interested in or mentions and surprise them with something they already wanted or nothing at all if that’s what they want and a kind word instead.
Personally, I’m rather minimalist about my things. I’m very particular about what I choose to bring into my home because I’m looking for a certain combination of quality, function, and style. I have a friend who likes to show me things on amazon or whatever corner of the Internet interested him that day and if I express any positive interest in the novel item a month or so later he will present it to me with a big grin. I don’t have the heart to reject his gifts because I can see how happy it makes him but my room is slowly filling up with nick nacks that don’t serve a purpose and it makes my stomach knot up in an ugly way. I’ve explained my stance on minimalism to him and asked that he not give me anything in the future, but he persists and I don’t know what to do other than say thank you at this point.
I think the best gifts come from the crossover of what the receiver and the giver both like… that’s the sweet spot, that I look for.
Venus in Cancer, in 9th house (chart ruler) meaning, I’ve thought long and hard about this, and taken opinions from previous generations, as best I could.
Food, especially, a shared meal, is often a good way to celebrate someone.
PS Since I no longer eat sugary foods, such gifts to me get passed on to someone else, soon.
That happened to me on my 40th birthday. I’d been laid-off, had a toddler to take care of, a house to pay for and a wife who knew little English, so the prospects were kinda bleak. They said they wanted to throw me a party. I said, “No but thank you”, later “No thanks” and finally “Please NO!” over and over. But the surprise party happened anyway, complete with black balloons and an Elvis impersonator. I’m shy and a loner to begin with, but beset with problems, I was in no mood to celebrate going over the hill. I figured they were giving me what they wanted for me and that their hearts were in the right place even though their heads were up their rear. I’m still mad about that, all these years later.
You should see the massive smile on my face right now Elsa, as I think about the implications of what you’ve recognised here, when you put that knowledge/ energy out there and realise how it might be received by someone if it’s not valued the way you would value it. Is it a libra thing, to recognise that every exchange (even a gift) implies some kind of responsibility or obligation? Or is that very much Saturn and Capricorn, ensuring customs are respected above how the individual might feel about it?
The way I see things, knowledge can be a bit like that couch, valuable to many, unless of course you sleep on a plank (so knowing the comforts of a sofa serves no purpose to you). There’s also this sense for me that knowledge itself always comes with strings attached (even when it’s not a gift) – when you know something, you then act on what you know (or what you think you know). So if you’re in a position where you believe certain knowledge has value, you’re likely to share that with others and before you know it they’re holding it and suddenly now they’re left with an obligation to act on it as well (or choose not to, as the case may be).
At least this is the way I view it. To make things more complicated, knowledge is often not about objective facts, history or trivia, but things that we might cause others to become aware of, things they now know about themselves. That energy you’ve put out there is now with the other person, for better or worse.
It’s kind of hard to dispose of it as well! I get the sense that Henry might have been a man who might have been able to add even more layers of understanding to this conversation, especially as he was trying to get rid of that unwanted gift he’d been chosen to receive! All with the best intentions, of course 🙂
(Source: I’ve gifted many couches over the years, and not all of them were welcomed.)
My grandson is quite specific and it is usually a dollar compromise
I say I can’t spend my money like that now,my sons are men I try to slip them money but they usually
Give me it back in store coupons tricky as what they think I need is a new coat or a night at a restaurant but I usually ditch the coat and hate spending money in restaurants ,I have a lot of sisters and nephews,dozens ,it was long ago talked that we each take care of our own but desserts are smiled upon
Before those last questions I’m still stuck on your opening statement, Elsa.
Nowadays it seams no one can have an individual opinion. People will literally attack you for posting anything on social media which doesn’t align with the far left or the far right. You either have to hate hate or get out of the way.
No one has any compassion or respect for anyone else’s view point. For that matter if this guy doesnt want a party LEAVE HIM BE.
I wonder if this will ever change but it seems like we’re past the point of no return.
Just an observation.
I wish we could flashback even a couple years ago when having a view point or a sense of any kind of humor was still a-okay.
Elsa, I’m curious. What was the group’s decision in the end? Did they (or will they) throw the poor chap a party?
There is a party announced. People like me don’t plan to attend.
I heard yesterday, that might not go off. Not sure what’s up. Maybe he will skip out?
I was also told there might be a small group gathering for him; people who actually like him. This would be 8-10 people instead 100+. If so, we’ll be part of that.
Bottom line, I don’t know.
I know I’m a couple of years late but I’ll weigh in in the topic. Who knows, this might revive it? People give us all sorts of things we do not want, usually thinking that this is BEST for us. If they are observant, even without knowing astrology, they would know what we like and don’t like. They would take their cues from our previous responses to similar “gifts”; it’s in inverted commas because sometimes those gifts take the form of PRESUMED flattery, other times actual goods or services.
Like there is this guy who but for the life of me, I can’t understand why, stalks me yet can’t speak to me in person. He references me by following, adding and commenting on media accounts which do nothing but all this does is me up the wrong way. I’m a very DIRECT person. If I have an issue with someone, and we are in the vicinity, I’ll have it out with them across a table, eye-to-eye – with my chart ruler in Libra and progressed planets to Libra, diplomatically of course. But it will be out. There’s no skirting around, no alluding to, to let’s poke you and see what will happen.
Back to gift-giving, it’s not a gift unless the recipient thinks it is.
* rubs me up the wrong way
This post reminds me of something. My husband does not dance. The one time he did, in 12 years together, was during a slow song at my sister’s wedding. So, yeah, he really doesn’t dance. Whatever anyone else’s judgements are about that–everything he’s missing out on, or ‘he just needs encouragement’–is totally irrelevant to him. He doesn’t like to dance! But people always WANT him to dance. Any time there is music on in a social setting, his family always invites him to dance. They know he doesn’t like it and they still always try anyway. It becomes this running joke that’s only funny to them. There’s definitely an edge to it. Antagonistic edge. It goes on for a while. But, he’s got Mars/Venus conjunct in Virgo in his second house, with Leo rising. He’s practical and iconoclastic at the same time. He won’t budge. Inevitably they up sulking and disappointed. This post reminds me of that, even though it’s not about gift giving, perse, but kind of more about how invitations are sometimes extended from the perspective, and for the benefit of, the giver rather than really about the receiver. Do I wish he would dance with me a little more often? Yes! But I respect the way that he just doesn’t play those games. It’s part of the constellation of traits that drew me in, so I accept him the way he is.
Thank you KJ
It’s the final line that was the gift.
Oooh, this was a sensitive topic until not so long ago. My mother has spent her entire life gifting me things I neither want nor need and I could never say ‘No, thanks’ for fear of hurting her feelings. She has struggled her entire life to accept me as I am, which is entirely different to how she is and how she wanted me to be.
As a result of this dynamic I have always felt apprehensive about receiving gifts whilst I love giving them. I give what others want and need. Very often I give what they didn’t know they wanted or needed. I am strangely blessed in that respect that I can feel, sense or intuit it without it needing to be spoken.
And here ends the old paradigm.
Since I have started to value & accept myself, and accept my mother for who she is (vs. the mother I needed growing up), she accepts me much more and at the same time I can now, politely but honestly, decline her gifts. Some have even been ok and others I still had from previous times I have donated to charity. We actually can both me much more honest and relaxed with each other which is a blessing. The differences between us, and the struggle, are clearly shown in my natal chart as her tendencies are shown her own chart. I think that without astrology I would have wasted a lifetime in therapy or just become bitter. Thank the heavens for astrology.
if I can’t think of anything they’d want, I’d rather not buy!!! stresses me out!& seems pointless … I also like little thoughtful often homemade gifts at random points (not xmas/birthdays necessarily)… but only if I think they’ll like them!!!!
Cap Sun, Libra Moon, Moon conjunct Saturn in the 9th, Venus in Cap in MR to Saturn
I often think about gift v. burden. I have seen myself as wanting to be a gift, but fearing I am a burden. I tend to give mostly my own artwork these days — you can enjoy or ignore it. I used to agonize over gift giving, another place where my lack of social understanding made me sad and frustrated.
Gift is for the receiver, with them in mind till the end. It doesn’t make sense to gift them something to my liking. I am not detached with gifts- aquarius 2nd yet uranus is conjunct my moon and neptune. I want to give them somethink that hopefully moves them and is tailored towards their dreams and wants.
I think that you truly need to know a person to buy a gift. Or- you are just wasting your money. Some people don’t even know their grandchildren well enough to buy them a gift.
I like to give people things I make with my own hands. Of course, some people don’t even like that…! So you have to be observant and notice what the Recipient values. It ain’t about You in other words. And if you give a gift that is so off-base [especially to a kid] it makes them feel “not seen”. My sis-in-law used to give me dishtowels. Pointless, unnecessary, not my style, didn’t fit my taste. turns out she was just giving this gift because it was Christmas. I told her “it’s Jesus’ birthday, not mine.” That’s when I convinced the family to go in on a donation to a non-profit that benefitted children.