The scenario where a man is cheating and his wife knows it but ignores it is very common. There are any number of reasons that would motivate the wife. What’s really interesting is when the other woman finds out the wife has awareness, she usually loses interest in the man.
This is a Venus Pluto game.
Know anything about it?
I thought love triangle were a venus-neptune thing…? Because of the deception and illusion of a blissful marriage.. If the wife knows and is staying, I would think that she’s keeping an illusion (for reputation, family, etc..) I was involved in a love triangle (me being the other woman but I did not know he had a girlfriend!) and I have a lot of neptunian influences. When I heard about the other girl, I let him go.. he fell from the impossible pedestal I had of him..
Sweethiez, you’re right! The deception. Sorry about that. I am talking about the psych angle. The man is only attractive when it’s taboo, betrayal and so forth.
not really something that attracts me, though I have venus pluto kind of wide though.
I don’t know how it works in America, but that’s certainly not the case in Europe. In marriages where it’s tacitly accepted the man will have other relationships (or just ‘sexual adventures’), in my experience that makes it far more acceptable to ‘the other woman’. The ‘bitch’ type might operate like that – enjoying the taboo and the deception – but most women are not comfortable with knowing a man is pretending to be faithful when he’s not.
Many older European women are mostly pragmatic about passing infidelities. I don’t think they should be despised for that, any more than those who don’t find it acceptable when they discover their longtime husband has had a secret affair should be despised for ending the marriage. Couples react to the sexual realities of a long marriage in different ways; if a wife has lost interest in her husband in that way and turns a blind eye to his extramarital activities, that’s between them. It works the other way too: even in my own family I know of a couple where the woman has lovers (one only and often for years) and the husband who has no interest in sex chooses not to know. The marriage is nevertheless strong, as is the family unit.
I’ve known many many ‘open marriages’. One of my close friends, in her late 60s now, is caring both for her longtime lover AND his wife, in their old age. She is good friends with their children whom she watched grow up. It takes all kinds…
I’d say too: men aren’t attractive because they are married – they are married because they are attractive!
I live in Europe and I am a relational coach and therapist and I can tell you that intimate betrayal results in extreme trauma: traumatised spouse, traumatised children, family, community. Open marriages where consenting adults agree equally to terms can work but often don’t because the fact is people keep sexual secrets and those secrets hurt. I do not validate the patriarchal and narcissistic view that getting one’s needs met is the ultimate goal because the context is too often power, grandiosity and abuse. The solution? Start by telling oneself the truth then maybe you can experience passionate, vulnerable, honest and exciting intimacy with your partner, and not somebody else’s partner.
Welcome, Elaine.
Blessed Place, I am enjoying your thoughts (and your name). On a personal level, when I lost my sexual desire for my wusband, and I sort of knew he was interested in someone else, and even though to this day, I don’t either know or care whether or not it was consummated, I felt relief that he could get his needs met somewhere else.
I have always thought that no one person can be everything to you. It’s just too tall an order. If you have a best friend, well at least that’s a big something….
I don’t have any experience with that, but there’s a recent board post here about a woman who’s getting battered through the courts by her ex-husband’s new lover — I was involved in something similar. I have no idea what the heck those two would have done with themselves if I wasn’t around to heckle and accuse and investigate – I sincerely doubt that without me they would have had a relationship at all. But I have a major neptune thing going on too with moon/neptune in the tenth so there’s that adding to it too. I was *infamous* to my ex-husbands new family :).
I just realized that when I was the other woman, I was under a Pluto transit squaring all my Pisces planets (venus, mars & moon)!!
never personally but i think i get it. if you’re the secret lover it’s steamy forbidden love. wow he’s risking all that for me, i must be really special. but if she condones it then it’s eeew, i’m just a piece of *ss on the side of your lame dysfunctional relationship.
Not exactly in my experience, but I sort of came close to it in my first serious relationship long ago. I discovered then that knowledge is power, and kept my guy from straying by letting him know I knew what what up with his potential other interest, and was all right with it, as long as everything was out in the open (and how could it not be when I already figured everything out, a couple steps ahead of either of them?!). He actually told me that I ‘ruined’ his flirtation by being so in-the-know and open about it. Tee hee. The woman, too, backed off when I basically invited/dared her to get involved with him (but not in so many words! It was all pretty low-key and enigmatic, just enough to get her to suspect that i was onto her, and to realize she’d been getting off of the promise of something behind my back). She had wanted a consequence-free flirtation, but my knowing made it … let’s say, less pleasant, or… Maybe she could no longer sustain the illusion what it was all innocent and ‘nothing would really happen’ (how I think a lot of illicit romances begin, with a huge heaping of denial).
I just punctured that balloon. Not sure if all that makes sense, but it was a great lesson for me to learn early on… Being the ‘queen bee’ type came easily to me after that. I’m just not threatened by other women, and always seem to know more than anyone else (my guy, other women) what is going on and how it’s all going to go down. For me, mere knowledge = power.
Er, I should add that I know I’ve been lucky, too, to choose guys that really love me. Don’t know how well I’d do with ‘other woman’ predators otherwise; so I guess I can’t take all the credit. 🙂
Well I have Pluto Venus conjunct Im am constanstly finding myself in triangles, love triangles, friendship triangles anything that can be triangleated!!!! I hate it. Im do my very best to become concious and aware and amputate as neccessary but yes this is to extent is a pluto-venus game psychologically.
I think venusflytrap has it nailed!
Pluto conjunct Venus in Libra here. Most times, I’ve told the man it’s over, he doesn’t leave or chooses not to believe me. And I’ve already moved on to my next partner…at least in my head. Part of the reason I am in this separation mess. I picked the wrong guy…I’ll never make that mistake again. Thanks, Saturn in Libra!
Venus opposite pluto here. I know a thing or 2 about that. When this is activated by transit in my chart, I get involved with men who are either dating someone else, meet someone else after we start dating, who are still stuck on someone prior to that (or someone stuck on them), or who are unavailbale for some reason – emotionally or otherwise. Venus Pluto teaches about self love and transformation of self value within relationships with others..
This is the perfect way to break down this ifnormiaotn.
this is all such bullshit–except yes, i think venusflytrap nailed it!
Yes- keep paying the bills, with my name on the house, while some other woman has to suck your sorry d**k…enjoy!! Lol
Omg! Somebody got the raw end of that deal. ??
a lot of famous men who married did that: Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwazzenneger,JFK, Steve Jobs, and countless others. I don’t know if their women knew though, and just turned the cheek cause these men make a lot of money and having money and power lots of women covet. A lot of women won’t stand it though, and would rather have loyalty. so there’s 50/50, depends.
that is weird that there are women who lose interest as soon as she knows that the wife doesn’t care. I think personally it sounds like a hidden hate for women, to destroy the woman; maybe too to destroy the man. I have no clue for this kind of psychology. but if the mistress finds out the wife don’t care and she loses interest, my mind immediately went to the “destroying the woman” cause the whole concern was about the wife. It’s a sick psychological thing where women want to destroy eachother? it must be upbringing.
I agree Elisa. I have a married guy next door who as been trying it on for years. Then it struck me that his wife was actually the driving force – if he keeps trying, she is happy as he is occupied, and I am distressed. I realised that it’s a woman hating another woman. It has settled considerably when I yelled at her on my front lawn to stop telling her little husband that I was interested in him.
I’ve never understood the attraction to married men. I guess if I am ever attracted to a married man, I’m pretty sure a lot of his attractive qualities are born from the fact that he has a woman that inspires him. If anything, I want to be that to a man, but I wouldn’t go near a man that would cheat in the first place! That would automatically make him unattractive. I like men with integrity.
If I were single I could never be with a married man. 1. The guilt would kill me 2. I don’t come second to anyone.
If I was the wife being cheated on? I’d never be ok with it or accept it under any circumstances. ?
This is complex! But I think you’re right, the lover wouldn’t want to ‘share’ him. The wife is the wife, in some or all ways loyal, mother of his children, shared reosurces, history together. When the wife is ‘in the know’ the rules of the game change. It certaily wouldn’t be fun nor light and romantic anymore. A sure killer for spontaniety (where is she? When is she going to turn up? Nasty scenes? Behind the scene revenge tactics? The husband could sure look pretty wimpy when the wife is in the picture. Game over.
I would love it if I could bed a married guy whose wife had no problem with it. All the pleasure, none of the guilt and fear of bad karma. That’s plenty of excitement.
I would agree on principle.Im broad minded enough that the arrangements between husband and wife are not my business.
I dont do it because its unseemly that I would be with another womans man who made a commitment. And hypocritical because I wouldnt want that to happen to me. But I do understand it tho. I just dont want to do it. Besides…how do you really know shes ok about it. Kind of lowers my own personal standards. But to each his own.I just choose not to partake.
Gads, I don’t do it either for the exact same reasons you mentioned. But I wish I could. And I can’t say I wouldn’t want the same thing to happen to me. I get bored so easily and so quickly that knowing another woman wanted to be with my boyfriend/husband might be the only thing to make him interesting to me again.
If that means I’ve just never loved anyone enough to really care what they do, that may be the case.
If the man in question was sexy and nurturing, I would think the wife was an angel of generosity and compassion and I’m not kidding.
I agree.
Unless of course she’s secretly filming us and then selling to to some porn site or something.
Whenever I hear someone talking about so-and-so being unfaithful, or whatever it was about, I always tell people – “it takes two.”
I was married to a woman for 27 years and was totally faithful. One day she invited over a few female co-workers, and one gal was paying more attention to me than I felt was necessary. Afterwards I even told my wife that “C” was coming on to me. She just thought I was flattering my own ego. About 6 months later, my wife came home excitedly from work and confirmed what I had already known. “C” did have an affair with someone else’s husband, and became pregnant. It takes two.
And just so you know, that marriage of 27 yrs ended back in 2010. Not because either of us were involved with someone else, but because I knew in my heart that I could not be myself around her. Interestingly, it was the day of an Eclipse on 12 July 2010 that I separated from her. I was expected to be “normal” – I was told not to talk about astrology, UFOs, ETs, being psychic and able to see entities which others were not aware of, and about my near-death experience at age 36 that forever changed my life. I was also not allowed to talk about religion and politics as I tended to disagree with most people on those subjects.
So now, here I am at age 69, living alone, and yes, I have turned down so many opportunities from women simply because I knew that they would not accept who I was as a person. All they saw was a compassionate man who was nice, and honest. But just like my previous wife, I knew that once they found out who I am, and what really interested me, that it would just lead to the same thing. I don’t mean to sound bitter, but I really dislike it when women seem to think that all men are the same. Not true.
Not all women Ron. You dont need someone who believes everything you do. But someone who will love “different”, let you be who you are and tell the world to stick it!!!
this makes me think that married men are more wanted than single men?? O.o
what’s wrong with single men? i guess cause if they are single for a long time, there is something wrong with them and other women find them wrong cause the is not commitment type.
never was attracted to married men in my life. and i wonder why…. maybe because i kind of “know”? like a weird instinct. this doesn’t count when they are already broken up and separated. It’s like i can tell they are holding a sign up, “i’m taken and keep your distance”.
elisa, let’s be fair. Plenty of married people have more than one thing wrong with them too.
Years ago I knew the Sag was cheating. I knew it almost immediately but didn’t do anything to prove it until I did. I just had a gut feeling. Then I went and looked into it. He was. With a married woman. Both married and cheating on me and her husband (poor guy that worked nights)
I wasn’t in a position to do anything about it immediately because I would have been homeless with a child. So, like any good Scorpio I sat back and let him dig himself a big ol’ hole. I slept in another room. I got my ducks in a row. I just let him carry on like the filthy prick that he was. I didn’t say a word.
I had two friends that were shocked that I could hold all that in. I had one job to do when I was sure he was cheating ….and that was to survive. I lost all interest in what he was doing and went to work on what I had to be doing to care for my child when the hammer came down….and it was going to come down.
After a year of knowing, and working to make sure I was financially set to have that come to Jesus meeting with him, I took him for a 75 mile an hour ride on the highway and said…..how long do you think you are going to be able to sleep with (____) before I destroy your life?
Then I drove home. I said nothing more. He turned pale and almost shit himself. I stayed cool and calm. He went to work and fired her. She filed a sexual harassment case on him and the company. To keep him on board but out of that office they transferred him to another state. He asked me to move with him and I agreed.
He moved. I stayed behind and sold our house. I moved into another home that I leased in only my name and moved all our belongings into it. Told him I couldn’t move until my son was out of school for the year. When June came and he was ready for us to ‘move’ with him to this other state….he arrived at the back door and I handed him divorce papers and locked the door behind me. He stood outside beating on the door and screaming. Told him the police were on the way. He needed to leave and always remember that was THE MOST EXPENSIVE SIDE PIECE OF ASS he has ever paid for in his life.
At one point when the gal knew I knew…she called me. She said…you are a stupid woman. I burst into laughter. I said really? He is making my house payment and you are the one that is sucking his dick for FREE. She quickly hung up on me. I never told her husband. That was their business to work out. I had to survive with a 12 year old child.
I don’t hate women. I love women. She decided to fuck a married man. But I didn’t blame her. He was committed to me and he broke the vow. I blamed him. Not her. She ended up losing her good job. He ended up alone in an efficiency apt with the clothes on his back in a state where he knew no one….divorced. They did it. I didn’t do anything to deserve it but I’ll be damned if they were going to fuck my kid over in the process.
The end of that marriage led me to the Pisces I have been with for over 20 years and the best relationship I have ever had. I am loved and I am grateful. I am treated like a partner and its a blessing.
I have never looked back. He tried to call me for years. He would find out where I was working….tried his hardest to find a way in. None of it worked. He was dead to me the minute I knew he was cheating.
Sometimes we cant just run out the door when we find out someone is cheating on us. Sometimes there are other people to think about. When I found out, it was no longer about cheating….it was about my little boy that was going to suffer the consequences if I didn’t do my job as him mother to protect us from poverty.
And, I had great time planning his demise. Sorry, that is the truth. He started it. I finished it. I didn’t cry one tear.
Soup, that was so beautiful and perfect I am jealous. Haha. You know I love it ?
Kumquat! My twin flame!! haha Yeah, people don’t realize when they cheat that its not just about hot sex and fun. Actual children end up with ruined lives…and for what? Fucking?
I have yet to meet a man that was so exciting that I would cause harm to my children’s lives for sex.
If a man had children at home and approached me in that way I would tell him straight….I AM TELLING YOUR WIFE. Go home and take care of your kids you POS….before I knock your teeth out.
I know you agree haha
Awesome. This statement, “They did it.” says it all. Great logic.
That’s great, soup! glad it worked out and you were very smart! i know there are men out there who abhorr cheating too. It’s not just women. But women are a huge voice on the internet when it comes to relationship!
elisa…. that is true. My husband quit being friends with a buddy who was cheating on his wife. He said…I am not keeping company with anyone who would treat his family like that. He said, if that is all the better he thinks of his kids…I’m not special. He is not capable of being a good friend.
I agree with him.
Wow, quite the story.
“After a year of knowing, and working to make sure I was financially set to have that come to Jesus meeting with him, I took him for a 75 mile an hour ride on the highway and said…..how long do you think you are going to be able to sleep with (____) before I destroy your life?”
So this is the Scorpio?
Yes Phoenix9061210 I am a Scorpio with a Cancer asc. I have 5 planets in the sign. 4 in the 4th house. And, it really happened. I am not proud of it. I just had to protect my child. So, I kept my mouth shut, I held it all in and I did what I had to do to make sure my child didn’t suffer that mans bad decisions.
That man tried to apologize for over 7 years after it happened. He stalked my locations and found 2 different employers. Passed messages through people we knew mutually. I never budged. He hurt us deeply as a family and continued to do it for the entire year I was planning an escape.
This isn’t just Scorpio. I loved him. I was devastated and gutted when I found out. But, protecting my son was much more important than my feelings or his indiscretion.
I know it sounds devious. My intentions were not devious. I was the one that was being fucked over. I had tunnel vision. I protected my kid. And, I didn’t lose a nights sleep over it.
Nobody gets to cause harm to my children without a day of reckoning!
That was well done soup. You did what you could given the circumstances.
Im taking notes on this one….
I’m only subscribing here; I’ve got no clue.
To me loyalty is everything. When I was still single l never had an attraction towards married men. I’m disgusting by cheaters. I would not tolerate being cheated on either.
*disgusted
I’ve only recently dated a couple cheaters. From now on, if I catch a whiff of skeaze on a man, I’m gone like the wind. It’s disgusting.
I have come to realize that I like relationships with lots of space. Lots. I would love to find a situation where the wife knew about me, and her hubs and I could get together a couple of times a week and I’d be left alone the rest of time. It seems like it should be easier to find such a thing.
Same here. Sagittarius sun, Scorpio moon.
Oh – double Scorp, Moon in Cap.
I think it’s important to say
You can watch the little bird dance his way up the tree
And if u
Go high in the tree u 2
Will be free
Wow I need this so much! I have many people who I need to spy on for legal purposes, how wonderful to get a real name instead of a scammer! Some friends recommended a man called Magnum PI but I am not sure he’s real. I am very grateful for your post, I will email him right away!
I have a neighbour who has decided that I am smitten by him and acts accordingly.
I have often wondered why the wife doesn’t tell him to pull himself together- then I realised that she wants me to take him off her hands ! Eew!
Ha ha. Gross but funny!