Dear Elsa,
I’ve been married for 2 plus years to an incredibly narcissistic and selfish man. We have a sexless, non-communicative relationship. Initially I couldn’t believe this person who professed to love me more than anyone ever would hurt me intentionally every single day and show absolutely no remorse. He has said and done horrendous things.
I am finally able to see that he conned me from the very beginning, yet I still feel stuck here for some reason. I gave up my home, my furniture, my world to be with him… only to receive abuse and incredible emotional trauma in return. He is a double Aquarian rageaholic with Virgo rising. I also suspect highly that he is bisexual and has had numerous affairs going on since I met him, all the while claiming I’m the one who has lied, cheated, etc.
Sadly, I’ve lived a lifetime filled with abusive relationships. One day, I want to finally be safe, happy, and free to experience real love and commitment with a healthy person. This man I live with seems to be the worst mistake of my life. I’ve been confused about what to do, because I thought my love for my husband would be strong enough to change him, but what I’ve come to realize is that I can only change myself.
When is enough enough… and after all he’s done to me, why am I having such a difficult time leaving him?
Unhappy Wife
Dear Unhappy,
When we get ourselves into these situations (and we all do) and can’t get out, it’s because we are lacking something – and that something is variable. In some cases, we may not have the support necessary to shore us up and keep us strong enough to successfully fight our way out. And that support may be coming. In other cases, it’s right there in front of you, in the form of a friend you already have who will show up and pitch in if only you confide your situation.
But in other cases, a person may be forced to dig deep inside and find their own strength to battle their demons. Or sometimes you can’t get out, because there is still something you need to learn from the other person.
I have no doubt your situation is horrific. But if you do not stay in it long enough to acquire some understanding of the nuts and bolts of the thing, you are absolutely guaranteed to go back out there and get yourself in a similar situation, frequently even worse than the one you just left! So with that threat you are better off, long term to get out slowly, carefully, thoughtfully, etc.
Now specific to your situation, I suggest right off the bat that you lose the victim mentality. “I gave up this and this and this and look what happened to me…” Because this mindset will get you nowhere. Instead, take responsibility:
“I gave up this and this and this and I see now that these were really bad choices.”
And instead of. “I have had a lifetime of abuse…” (Poor me) Try, “I am sick of being abused and I am going to x, y, and z to correct this problem…”
As for the astrology, soon Saturn will be transiting your Sun Pluto conjunction which will pressure you to work (Saturn) to transform (Pluto) yourself and your life (Sun). I’m hoping this blog sets you on that path.
Good luck.
Just recently discovered this site:
http://drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm
It’s about abuse, abusers, victims, codependents, passive-aggressive, narcissists, and such.
Very easy to read and absorb.
A veritable goldmine.
I highly recommend it. DrIrene.com
I hope Unhappy Wife finds this as helpful as I did…
Thank you for your comments. I did read Dr. Irene’s site and it’s filled with relevant info. In fact, I’ve read just about everything I could get my hands on regarding the issues we have. What it all has led me to is a search for my inner truth. It’s been a long and painful journey. What I’ve realized is that I was bred for this kind of sacrifice. Now I’m just practicing using the tools of healthy interaction and establishing boundaries. Elsa is so perceptive. I think the reason I’m still with this person is because if I don’t completely wipe out the negative core beliefs I’ve held about myself since childhood, AND replace them with positive ones, I’m doomed to repeat this pattern of choosing abusers and liars in all aspects of my life. I’m wondering when this Pluto transit begins. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear from someone who has experienced anything similar.
Darling, I have experienced this, several times over. With many men and many relationships. And, yes, I too was bred for this kind of sick sacrificial dynamic (bc it’s a dynamic, you understand). I’ve learned that it’s a family continuum: there are the abusive ones and the ones who deny what is really going on and sacrifice themselves (and teach the little ones to sacrifice themselves as well so that they inadvertently support this shit). I’ve done a little research in my own family and I see that it’s been going on for generations. What sucks about it is that it’s not just a matter of willpower, like many people think. When people hear stories like these (and of other kinds of abuse), their reaction is: Why do these people stay with abusive personalities? Why do they seem to seek them out?
The reasons are complicated but basically, when the people who took care of you were also abusive, your psyche and brain learned to associate love with certain characteristics and, unfortunately, some of those were abusive and cruel. And then we try to resolve the trauma by reenactment–all of this is unconscious, you understand. You are not doing it on purpose, you may even think that you’re going out of your way to choose someone completely different and then WHAM! you find out that you were wrong. You blame yourself. You think there really is something wrong with you. The abuser is only too happy to agree with you. It’s important to understand that, in a way, the human brain is built to process trauma this way. (I don’t know why it’s built that way either but here’s a webpage that explains it all much better and in-depth. Hopefully once you understand some of the biology, you’d be more compassionate toward yourself and that compassion can lead you to find some healing: http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/.)
My suggestion is that you seek out an excellent psychologist. Being in therapy during a Pluto transit can be EXTREMELY painful but also very fruitful. So be brave. Don’t just run to any therapist, either, doll. Do your homework bc there are a lot of sucky ones, unfortunately. I have had years and years of therapy and only last year was I lucky enough to find one who kicks ass. On my first visit he said (and I repeat this a lot on this site so apologies to those who have heard it before): “Therapy is not subtle. You should know within the first two months if I am the right therapist for you. If you don’t feel that I am the right therapist, let me know and I will find one that is better suited.” He also said: “This is going to be very painful. Are you ready?”
So, understand that it is not just about talking and feeling better. Most likely, it will feel very visceral (a good therapist gets to your raw and soft spots, bet your ass that it hurts at first). Trust your gut. And don’t be afraid to change therapists if someone is not right (a lot of people feel guilty about having to “fire” their therapists, btw.)
I would also recommend Melodie Beattie’s book “Codependent No More.”
Best of luck! And know that you CAN change your life.
I know about all this stuff because it is the stuff of my own life. And, it doesn’t get fixed overnight nor in one fell swoop. It gets fixed one tidbit at a time, over many years, many relationships, and many ‘relapses’.
I worked with Melodie Beattie’s books (as per Marly’s comment) intensively when they came out. Guess what’s sitting on my kitchen table right now? Yep. Those very books. And more. I’m not done learning, and THAT’S OK.
I am so friggin ***PROUD*** of myself. Not *ashamed* for ‘relapsing’. It’s not a relapse. It’s part of the *growth* process.
And when I re-read those books, and the parts I had underlined ‘back then’, I glow with deserved pride at how far I’ve come. At the ‘mistakes’ (poor judgment calls, poor choices) I no longer make. It is hugely satisfying, and bolstering, because I can see that all my hard work has paid off, and makes me all the more serene in knowing the current round of hard work ahead of me will also pay off.
Good luck to you. You seem to have the right attitude and to be on the right track! Go girl!! 🙂 Big hug!
Strawberry and Marly,
Thank you both so much for the encouragement and great advice. I have been in therapy and until recently, found several with their own guilts and beliefs that they’ve foisted onto me. This one is different. For the first time EVER I’m beginning to feel empowered, yet as I wrote to Elsa, I’ve felt stuck and paralyzed to take the final step of leaving this man.
The van der Kolk article really struck me……like a bolt of lightning. My behavior has a basis in my own physiology. It makes perfect sense. In the past, I’ve read about trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome, and intellectually I understood that yes I was abused as a child, and somehow was trying to right that situation in my adult relationships, but now the whole thing is very clear to me.
I suppose I have to be patient with myself and realize that awakening and becoming emotionally healthy after years of living in a fog take time. My few remaining friends are pressuring me to get out. Like you, Strawberry, I don’t want to make these mistakes any more. I don’t think I would survive. You should be proud for all of your hard work. I hope one day to be where you both seem to be.
Thanks so much!
Marly, thank you for that link. I found one tiny but ~specific~ and new (to me) tidbit of info in that article that I am hoping will help me get over a current dilemma/hurdle, once I’ve figured out how exactly it plays out for me. So, thanks for posting it. Your contribution is valued and appreciated.
The best to you in 2007!
Thank you both, Strawberry Fields and Less Unhappy Wife! Yes, I think there’s a lot we as a society don’t know about trauma and how it affects the brain. That article was extremely enlightening to me: I wasn’t just being willfully self-destructive. I think this is something that the general public needs to know bc it makes it hard for people to understand their own response to trauma; we tend to think that it’s all a matter of being strong and having enough willpower to impose change and then when we fail, we blame ourselves!
I’m glad you both got something out of that article, as clinical as it was.
Marly,
I’ve been reading a book for about a month entitled The Body Never Lies, by psychotherapist Alice Miller. You’ve probably read her stuff before (The Drama of the Gifted Child???). Anyway, the van der Kolk article confirms what Miller has beautifully written, more so in layman’s terms. She includes how therapy can perpetuate the trauma by upholding unhealthy societal beliefs and laying a guilt trip on the client, for example. I’ve gained so much from all of this reading, and continue to do so.
This, along with intensive therapy, (EMDR and talk), and reaching out to others, has given me so much validation. For the first time in my life, I feel that I can speak my truth and people are actually hearing me (even if I’m paying them)…not blaming me and saying what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you leave him?
Now I know why. Embedded deep within my whole biology, if I look upon myself as an organism, is the preverbal shame that I’ve FELT, but could never articulate or understand, because I didn’t even remember most of what had happened to me as a child. Now I do. Additionally, what I did remember I minimized and turned the blame upon myself in order to survive in untenable situations. Now, I am able to speak. And the more empowered I become, the more this so-called man I married appears to be pathetic and trapped in his own fraudulent narcissitic bubble. Sadly, he is severely wounded and may never come out of it. Soooooo…I’m getting closer to the point where I will be physically and emotionally ready to leave. Fortunately, my therapist understands that the more I learn to work within the constraints of my relationship, the more personal power I gain, and the more I see him as he truly is, the more I am detaching from his grip. THe “grip” is undoubtedly a physical one, created by my primary trauma. As I am breaking away from him, I’m breaking free of it all for the first time in my life.
What really stood out for me from the van der Kolk piece is that without help I probably would never have made it this far. Something strong must have been lingering inside of me throughout my life to enable me to survive and not fall prey to alcoholism, drug abuse, etc.
With much gratitude to you and Elsa, and the other kind women who have responded.
Hey More Happy! 🙂
Thank you for updating and sharing with us!
So glad to hear of your progress — you seem to be doing very, very well. Heartening!!
Huge smile on my face, and the best of luck to you as you continue on your journey! Success is guaranteed — that much is clear!
(And yes, Alice Miller has written some very useful stuff.)