How Do You Cope When Your Ex Gets A New Lover?

question_mark1.jpgWorking as an astrologer, I am fortunate to attract a wide variety of people and problems but this question particularly stunned me. I have permission to post this (below the break to preserve her colorful language):

“I am having a reeeeaaaal hard time with the idea of him fucking someone else in my bed, though. Any ideas on how to get over that?”

I read that and thought, OUCH! Thankfully I have astrology otherwise I would not know where to begin to answer a question like that, would you? If there was ever a situation where “one size does not fit all” this is it so what I did was offer my best answer, completely tailored to the chart, in this case – the man’s. But here’s is my question for you:

Say you find yourself in her situation. What’s your road map to freedom, hmm?

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32 thoughts on “How Do You Cope When Your Ex Gets A New Lover?”

  1. How to get over it???

    approach A: If I loved him I’d throw him, (hopefully still naked) the person he was fucking (hopefully also still naked), the bed, the bedding, the lamps, the potted plants, and everything else in the immediate vicinity, out into in the street, then call the local media, lock my doors, close the curtains, take a hot bath with something very sweet smelling poured into the water. Later I would sign myself up for some kind of primal scream type of therapy.

    How to get over it approach B: If I didn’t love him, I would probably stand there and watch, or maybe even jump right in and join. Unless it was two guys, ew. One penis at a time is plenty, anything more than one is too many penises for me.

  2. I don’t get this– did they break up and he has someone new or this is an affair and she’s still with him?

    Sorry to be so dense.

  3. i think i’d see the bed as toxic waste at that point, probably along with the people in it. contaminated. like food that’s gone bad. toss all of it out and replace it with something that will nourish me.

  4. let go of the bed. it’s an object: thats the route for me.
    Objects often outlive people, so it’s understood they carry energy, but if she’s gone, the bed might as well be dust, it’s just nothing, a collection of boards.

  5. Years ago, when I left my husband, I had a dream one night that he was with someone else and I woke up jealous. I thought long and hard about it because I was sure, positive, resolute in not wanting him back. I finally determined that it wasn’t that I would be jealous that he was with someone, it was the thought that he would treat her better than he treated me. Once I figured that out and told myself that he was simply incapable of treating anyone as good as they deserved consistently, I was over it.

  6. I took the very nice headboard and frame and left the mattress for him, and bought a new mattress for me. Some other girl can deal with my cooties. Actually I left most of the fabric stuff behind because it holds more negative energy. I got lots of secondhand stuff from my friends and will slowly rebuild.

    She sounds like me…this guy has a sexual hold over her and it’s anguish to work through that loss. My ex and I had five planets in composite Scorpio in the 8th house. It’s been brutal trying to detach from that.

  7. I left a comment too but managed to post it to the wrong place! It’s under “If you’ve got some, give it”. Hadn’t got my eyes fully open when I posted. 🙂

  8. Avatar
    The person who asked the question

    For those who are confused, the relationship has ended but with an option to possibly renew at a later date.

  9. I don’t know. If this is her bed – and this is the bed where they used to fuck – and now he’s fucking someone new in it, man, this guy’s got issues. He’s a big ole loser and she should find herself a man who can respect her.

  10. I have considered this before. I think for me the best option would be to just Neptune out. Ignore, pretend, transcend, imagine it was me instead of her. If we “renewed” the relationship later, I would want to do it assuming her ghost in the bed was like a fairy tale fantasy that never really happened. And furthermore, I think I would apply nearly the same approach if I were doing an open relationship and I had to confront the idea of my lover being with someone else in the *current* time frame. Neptune.

  11. OK see there’s two ways to go with this. For current lovers and (adding) new ones, my rule has ALWAYS been, if I’m not involved, not in my bed. I’ve actually said that, in those words – do what you want, just don’t fuck her in my bed. I figure if people are having sex in the bed I sleep in every night, I should be one of them. *chuckle*

    But with a former lover, if it’s not *my* bed like the one I sleep in every night? Well, then, I think your best shot at this is letting go, as someone above said. It’s some boards, and some fabric, and some dust. You have memories – and I bet you have other mementos of them? What happens if you focus on those, rather than the bed?

    If you can, I think that might be what makes it all OK.

    Best of luck!!

  12. well if it was me and i were ever to “renew the option,” i think i’d need a new bed as part of the renewal agreement. i wouldn’t be able to look at it without thinking about what else had gone down there, let alone get busy.

  13. Hmm. My bed is my bed, I’m the queen and decide who gets to service me. So there’s that. 🙂

    If it’s his bed, he gets the same right.

    If it’s our bed and we break up, it becomes the bed of whomever it is left to. And at the point, who cares. If I come back to the place where he has had sex with someone– wait a second, let’s rewind here. I ain’t never going back with someone who’s been my one and only and has in the interim been with someone else. No way that’s happening.

    To the original poster: it’s not about the bed. It’s not about some random, faceless woman whose been in “your” bed with “your” man. At the point in time when this happened, the bed was no longer yours and the man wasn’t either. Your gut is telling you not to go back there. Your visceral reaction is giving you all the direction you need about rekindling this relationship.

  14. After kicking him out, I’d buy a new bed, nice high-count new pretty sheets, and redecorate the bedroom. All ready for the next bed person.

  15. Avatar

    oh this reminds me (laughs) of a girlfriend I had when I was much younger. She married a guy. But this guy was a bit of a player before he met her. He had actually carved notches into the headboard of his bed marking the number of women that had been in that bed with him.

    When he decided he wanted her to stick around for more than a date or two she said “not until you buy a new bed” ROFL

    Mind you he ended up waiting on her hand and foot and was three years into a happy (as far as I could tell) marriage.

  16. ROFLMAO at “golf claps” 😀

    I don’t like to instigate conflict (too much Libra) but I sense that only a scattered few regular posters embrace non-monogamous relationships?

    I seem to be reading that most posters here would never return to a lover who had slept with someone else – even in a non-cheating context? Is this true?

    ::: puts research hat on :::

  17. ::: being Jessica’s research project :::

    I’m one, Jessica. I don’t care what other people do, but I could never be in a non-monogomous thingie. Too insulting to my cappy.

  18. well, i just kind figured if she’s having a hard time with the situation, then it’s probably not a mutually agreeable non-monogamous relationship.

    personally i’m very much a one-man woman (and that man damn well better be a one-woman man!), but totally respect the right of other consenting adults to fornicate in whatever configurations they find appropriate, man. 😈

  19. PS. I always run away. Sag ASC trine Venus. I’ve always been happy to keep two passports…if my SO and I ever broke up I’d just leave the country for 10 years…or however long it took to not care anymore.

    Reasonable, hmmmm?

  20. More :::golf claps::: PixieDust, because I like the sound of it!

    “if she’s having a hard time with the situation, then it’s probably not a mutually agreeable non-monogamous relationship.”

    totally true, goddess! maybe people are just responding to the questioner’s apparent discomfort.

  21. Jessica – I’ll be another research subject (but it seem only us Capricorns are open to this). Monogamy has always been very important to me. We’re either together or not, there is no half-way option. Upon breaking up with someone, I have never looked back. I can honestly say that if for some reason my DH was out of my life, there isn’t a single ex that I would be interested in rekindling.

  22. Thank you, Stacey! Point well taken. I agree with you. I would never re-start a relationship that had ended (or at least, I don’t have any exes that I consider worth it.)

    However, that is not the same thing as sleeping with a lover again who had slept with someone else, right?

    Loonsounds 🙂

  23. Jessica – another research subject, and PixieDust said it perfectly for me as well: “I ain’t never going back with someone who’s been my one and only and has in the interim been with someone else. No way that’s happening.”
    Context doesn’t matter. I am open to rekindling, but only if this situation hasn’t entered the equation! If it has, then it’s war.

    Loonsounds – lol, option A sounds mighty tempting. I’d just take everything outside and light a match…torch the bed and everything else associated with him. After everything has been burned to the ground and destroyed, there is no “rekindling”. All that is left is a bad memory, and with time, even that will be destroyed.

  24. Happened to me. Leo with a Moon in Virgo. ex husband was Pisces, Moon in Aquarius. It was a beautiful bed with a special, expensive mattress for his bad back.
    I gave the whole shebang, including the matching dresser, to a wonderful person who had cared for other people’s children all of her life. She had never purchased a good bed for herself, so I gave her mine.
    Found out later that he had taken a few women into that bed. I’m glad the bed has a better use now. The questioner should get rid of him and the bed, permamently.

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