Hi Elsa,
My boyfriend and I are opposites in many ways. Our common ground seems to be shrinking and our sex drives, while always mismatched, are vastly different now. He seems to be content with a largely platonic relationship while I need to connect with someone sexually in order to maintain a feeling of closeness.
I think that in order for me to be happy and have my needs met, something has to change. Either we need to work out the differences, or I’m going to need an open relationship so that my needs for intimacy are met elsewhere.
Do you see either of these possibilities as likely, or should I start planning a life without him?
Unsatisfied
Dear Unsatisfied,
Yeah, no. I’m sorry. I wish I had something wise to say, or there was some miracle on deck, but no. I don’t think the cavalry is going to save you on this. Is this guy going to spring up like a cheetah and become a five alarm fire? He’s not. Are you going to cool down and learn to live without sex? I hope not. Because you have some serious Marsy energy, and it needs an outlet. Just how pissed off are you, right now? How frustrated?
You know all this of course, and in fact I think you’re already grieving the loss of relationship. Do you know the steps in the grieving process? One of them is deal-making, and this is what you’re trying to do with the “open relationship” idea. You’re trying to strike a deal so you don’t have to do what ultimately will be inevitable – break up the relationship, because it just doesn’t work.
But you’ve learned something here. The next time you go out hunting (and you do HUNT men), understand you are randy as a pony and bring home a very horny man that complements. Get it? Don’t settle.
Good luck.