From June, 2008 – Introduction to my idea that parenting is in crisis. Pluto in Capricorn…
Anyone else willing to cop to struggling with this?
From June, 2008 – Introduction to my idea that parenting is in crisis. Pluto in Capricorn…
Anyone else willing to cop to struggling with this?
Aw, Elsa, double parenting is hard, single parenting I can’t imagine. Ironically, today I picked up a free poster in the movie theater of a movie called The Year My Parents Went on Vacation. (not meant to be offensive, I just thought it was a coincidence with the parenting crisis/Pluto in Capricorn thing)
I was going to give it to my professor as an ironic joke, but I’m kind of worried it would be offensive. He told our class about how his parents had to leave him a year in Vienna and come to America without him. He said that this helps him understand the abandoned children in Dickens.
oh you said it! I am a single parent of three children myself, and grew up in a single parent household. The good news is I know myself, plenty of adversity to test myself on, but it is not what I want for my children. You just need more, more than one, I agree completely.
Whoa, the plot of that movie is weirdly similar to my professor’s experience.
I am a single parent of two teenagers and it is very hard. Some days I didn’t get home from work till 8pm and they weren’t fed and you feel terrible. I was working 60+ at my job and I ended up with a nervous breakdown.
That’s the stress of it. It does take 2 or 3 or4.
We used to have extended families that helped.
Now we are lucky if the microwave helps
I agree with you 100% Elsa. Debsy- I can cruise at 55 hours a week but above 60 is where I start breaking down and I am an empty nester. I worked hard when I was younger and my children were at home and some of that was excrutiating but mostly it was good, ok or fine. There were two of us. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be working this hard whilst being a single parent. Power to you!
Well, I agree it sucks for me as the beleaguered Mom, but as long as I’m kicking and it’s just my son, I think it’s Ok for him. He does see his dad on the weekends but I do the hard work. I deal with the crap, and the maintenence. And I understand him deep down, while his father is practically clueless.
In this case, I think it’s very fortunate that he’s more with me, getting what he needs, than being misunderstood by his father. The three of us together is a bad dynamic; everyone is agitated, I feel my ex is jealous of my attention going to our son ( I’d even say that as much as he loves him, he resents him) and you can imagine how I can’t wait to go our separate ways. So single parenting is kind of the lesser evil I can live with better.
It is grueling, though, no doubt about it.
Maybe one way to think of Sun-Saturn is that they are born with the capacity to be their own parent? There is loss there, but also self-sufficiency? I’m Saturn square Sun, so I know a little bit about this. Jeez, I am understanding more and more how huge the Soldier is for Vid. I had a single mom myself and I always convinced myself that was enough. (not)
I totally agree with you about a single parent not being enough. I just am afraid to, because I AM only one person. My son has contact with his father, and I would never take that away, but I am afraid of that contact too. It needs something to offset it somewhere, another different male role model. I am a fan of the blended family and do not have one to offer my son yet… is there a reflection of the “extra” parental figures in your chart somewhere? all Saturn?
Brilliant Video once again Elsa and Im glad it was brought up.
I agree single parenting is hard and you need two or more although two effecient parents & what I mean by that is that to have one sick, abusive or depressed parent out of two is to an extent like being a single parent. Im not a single parent but my mum was/is to us 4 kids including me and someone is going to get neglected unfortunately and thats the truth of it. I have Sun-Saturn conjunct in the 8th myself square my moon and I basically became a the second parent being the eldest. In fact 3 out us 4 kids have Saturn moon apsects. We all had to become self-sufficient at some point because two us became very ill. I commend any parent who does this on their own especially in dire circumstances.
In fact just last week a was talking to woman in my piano class who is mother of two kids one who is autistic and she was saying hard it is even when you have two parents but how blessed she felt to at least have a husband supporting her. I just commend parents in general who really try the best they can. I believe its the hardest job in the world
Great video Elsa cant wait for the next one on this topic
“I get in trouble with my single parent friends when I point this out.”
Jana – that is probably because the single parent is inundated as it is – There life is completely taken over and now it’s as if they have done something wrong. How often is the absent parent confronted? Hmm…
You really can’t blame them for their sensitivity. Single parents are maxed out almost across the board. Think about it. Do the job of two (as if this is possible) plus do your job.
I agree completely. I would take it either further. Historically, families included the mix of extended relatives and more close knit communities that could step in and support those in crisis. I get in trouble with my single parent friends when I point this out.
yes.
but finding someone you can trust to get your back is challenging.
my dad told me the challenges explode even in two parent households when there’s three children… though eventually they get old enough they start helping out.
but yeah. i left my family so that my son could have other adults _in the house_. (grandma next door and getting frailer was not the same.) i just couldn’t keep it all going on my own.
and thekid has saturn in cancer (and moon and venus) and i keep feeling i can’t help but fail him on some level of what he needs… because i have to work, i don’t have a choice.
anyway, i promised myself i wouldn’t have any more kids unless i found myself a partner who’d have my back. and, of course, there’s no assuming that sort of thing will last forever, but it would be good to at least start at that point. a stronger foundation would help a lot.
i can’t find a decent childcare center in my new neighborhood, and i don’t know anybody there yet, and i’m not going to drop my son off at a stranger’s house… so i drive him across town when i need childcare and that’s not optimal, but it’s better than nothing…
I have the utmost respect for single parents. My husband and I take turns caring for baby in order to support each other and give him the best parenting we can, and it’s still exhausting for us. I can’t imagine how much more it would be exhausting when there isn’t a second person to turn to and say I am really knackered/stressed/ill – can you take over a while?
I am working with a mum right now who is a single parent to four children and people are very worried because her youngest daughter has had serious physical injuries (broken bones, dislocated joints) the past six months. And this woman is really neither abusive nor neglectful but is unable to always watch that extremely active toddler while sorting out the others and trying to make food/clean the house and isn’t always able to prevent her older children playing roughly with the youngest – which accounts for things like the dislocated shoulder.
Fortunately the services are on her side and there are various people working hard to try and get her some regular respite.
There’s been a real push in my setting for us to come together and work much harder on reaching single and isolated parents.
I am childless and have past the point of mourning this. What I do know is how much I have to give in this regard. I volunteer with young kids on Saturday mornings and they are all in single parent households, and this much is clear to me 1) they love their moms, and 2) they need other adults, like me. They amaze me with their spirit. They work with what they have. They have much to teach older people. To all the single parents here: your kids love you, maybe more than you know!
Raising children is hard, and can be heartbreaking. If heartbreak is there to be had, parenting solo makes it all the more difficult. (been there, done that, didn’t even get a damned t-shirt)
We do the best we can with what we have where we are. To hell with what ought to be!!
I never saw a kid starve from lack of doting attention.
I have seen many kids, one parent or two, sometimes even with large extended families, starve for lack of “give a shit”.
The most important thing any child needs to know from its parent or parents, is that we (parent(s)) give a shit.
Food, money, time to dote and be sweet or goofy… sure all of those things are important and need to be high priorities, but if number one, they know we actually care about them, any other lack is going to be bearable for our children.
Elsa, I don’t know you or your family well enough to comment on the nuts-and-bolts of your relationship, but if the persona you show us any indication, the lad would be hard-pressed to miss that you give a shit, not only about him, but about his sister, and about a whole lot of other stuff.
You’re right, the square is going to point out any deficiencies he is feeling, but those are unlikely to endure with him. Saturn makes a body nothing if not resilient.
Take Care
R
My parental units are from another Universe.
I was raised by a Nanna…
When I did stay at there house it was full of stuff But they did somethings OK. They were really into education, They had hobbies and they made us part of there hobbies and I think now as I get older, I am very equipped to spend my life by myself and know how to stay busy and self entertained.
Astrosage has it right.
“The most important thing any child needs to know from its parent or parents, is that we (parent(s)) give a shit.”
Sometimes they would remember they were parents.
I wish they would have remembered that more often.
So the universe sometimes finds children a place even when the place they are is not where they should be..
I know how lucky my life has been..
I have the best Nanna/nannie ever.
I am a single parent of three little people. It’s kind of like holing your breath, you can do it alright for a little while, but eventually you have to breathe.I guess part of that for me is just accepting that you can’t be good enough.
I was a single parent with my daughter until I married my husband, her step-dad. Her father was mia never involved, monetarily or physically. I am still the main parent of my daughter. It was hard but having her opened my heart and grounded me and taught me what was real. I love being able to be a mom I think it is a gift. I remember people saying I don’t know how you do it. I always thought huh??? I just do it I don’t think about it stuff needs to get done so you do it ya know.
Five months ago I had a little boy and my daughter is 10. In the begining I felt torn and some guilt. This little baby needed my attention and my baby girl wasn’t getting hardly any. One night I was putting baby to bed he was a few weeks old and I snapped at my daughter and she walked off to go to bed in her room and I just felt soooo bad I started crying and couldn’t stop all I could see was my baby girl. I don’t know I am rambling. I still get choked up over it. I love them both so much my heart feels like it will burst. I just want to be the best mom I can, I know I am not perfect, just human.
Elsa, I woke up with a random thought for you.
I stayed with my Nanna until it was time for preschool. Then I came back to the big house with my parents. I guess I got really sick and had a seizure at preschool. My parents were not used to having me home and Nanna will not tell me anything about why I got sick, I just know I was in the hospital for a longtime and my mother spent a lot of time there. There is a lot more too this story. but at this time I just want to stress one point for you..I had 2 parents and both of them spent what time they had on me and not my two older siblings. I am an adult now and it has caused a great deal of bad feelings with them.
They still feel I was treated better. BUT THE KEY HERE I HAD 2 PARENTS NOT 1. I don’t know the whole situation with Vid but I think getting him into counsiling is important. You can not feel it would have been better with 2 parents. What if you would have had a spouse that was jealous of the attention you gave to your sick child (that was not my father ) I think Vid just needs to understand that people get sick and you taught him a very important lesson. A lesson about sacrifice and giving. He will live by this example in his own life. This is a VERY GOOD LESSON YOU GAVE HIM. He has feelings in his head about this guilt for wanting all the attention that his sick sister was getting, why was mom not taking care of me ? Maybe if I am sick I will get some attention ? Talking to children like adults seems to work..Nanna always told me the truth, she never put any spin on anything..
I don’t know everything about vid, But maybe this is his way of saying OK Mom would you do the same thing for me ?
Please excuse the random here, haven’t had coffee and I am fighting my migraine, I am sitting here in a dark room typing this..
i’m not a single parent but feel my partner is only half involved, which surprised me at first. i am the default, go-to parent, the boob [food source], the one who can’t sleep through crying…it’s better than being alone, but it’s very hard carving out any time for me when my only free time is used to do things for the baby [laundry, bottlewashing, etc.] my husband has offered sometimes to take him out so i can be home alone [to sleep, perchance to dream? or to do whatever i like] but it’s those moments where i want the three of us together.
parenting is the hardest thing i’ve ever done.
I am a single parent and find it fine because my kids are very independent and no problem. I have been able to work out of my home as a sales rep part time and then became a real estate agent so I could keep my own hours around the kids needs. I would not have made it working for someone else 40hrs plus per week. I’d rather do things myself than have a controling mean partner or someone who doesn’t support my parenting style. Everyone else likes to judge us all as parents but we are doing the best we can. Although they have seen and still see me struggle with money at times, I don’t mind because my kids learned to be frugal and are motivated to work. I wish my kids a loving father figure but they are going to have to be ok regardless and they will be. My dad was married to my mom until I was 20 years old, alcoholic, wasn’t so great anyway. My friends have really lame husbands who don’t participate at all accept to bring home a paycheck. I guess thats worth something.
Looking from two sides…first as child…after my parents divorced I lived with my mother and sister who was/is chronically ill. During the immediate time (then) I know I was experiencing the loss…and although my mother was trying to cover all bases, as Elsa point out, the child who is bleeding is going to get the attention. Long term…I feel I learned compassion and endurance, witnessing my mom take care and advocate for the best care for my sister.
As a single parent, I know I’m not giving my son everything he needs. I think single parents can help their children by encouraging extended relationships in the wider community. But I am allergic to any sort of sympathy/pity. If I feel someone is pitying my son or insinuating that he has less for only having me…I don’t want anything to do with them. I think the stigma of single parenthood should be zapped and the concept of extended family, role models and guardians be embraced.
I admire parents of young kids who have all the internet stuff, TV and other media influencing their kids. Also–it’s a disgrace that Hollywood promotes single parenthood. It takes two or three, or a village even.. (I mean if you want to stay sane..)
I was lucky to have a husband helping me, and to raise my son during the years when we DIDN’T WORRY EVERY MINUTE about abduction or murder or whatever.. in summers, my 10 year old would take off with a fishin’ pole and his buddies and I’d see him again at dinner time! Yes,he lived to tell this tale.
These times call for HELP– bond together with other parents, YMCA’s, friends who can babysit.. maybe even ask your relatives for advice! That’s what grandmoms and aunties are for.
I can’t imagine being a single parent. I have an autism spectrum child, and this is not a job for one. Some days it’s too big a job for two!
((Charlene))
This is a very interesting topic, Elsa. Thanks for being ballsy enough to bring it up.
I agree that parenting is going through the wringer. I have 2 kids: one stepson, 11, and one son, 4. The older naturally has had to grow up since the little one came along (probably at his Saturn square!). He is a bit competitive with him, which feels ridiculous to us, and we do the best to deal with it. It is hard.
I agree that extended family and community would be an immense help. It is hard for my husband and I even though we are two. (Perhaps because we are Sagittarius and Aquarius and CRAVE our freedom?) We currently don’t have any outside help from anyone unless we can afford to pay a babysitter. My mother lives with us, but she is there b/c she has her own issues. She sometimes helps by playing with my son, but that’s about it. We would NOT leave him with her. We don’t feel it would be safe.
One thing I have noticed, however, is that there is a much larger percentage of grandparents now that are less involved by their own choice. Me and many of my friends have parents who just simply don’t want to put any work into it. They may want to show up and look like the good guy, but not help out by doing any real work. Has anyone else noticed this? I mean, my grandparents watched us ALL.THE.TIME. Perhaps it is the “me generation”? But I hear a lot of it.
I think perhaps it is just a larger evolution of the planet which is encouraging people to have less children. I notice a lot more people choosing not to have children.
Also, I think that there is a generation of between my parents and me who created their whole lives around their children. I don’t find that to be a really healthy way to live, either. I think perhaps my generation or the next could be backlashing that. A kid will take all your attention if you let him or her, but I think they also benefit from learning how to be independent. I think that life is giving a lot of these kids that opportunity whether we as parents want to do that or not.
The thing about it is if people have less children we will die out. I mean, this is a fact.
Yep. It’s a bloody nightmare. But you live with it, you struggle with it and you just get on with it. The child needs at least one parent it can rely on, and that’s me. I used to be so angry at the irresponsibility and (as I see it) heartlessness of his father, but at the end of the day you can’t change what is. And at least I can live with myself.
We live in the country and are quite isolated, there are no grandparents alive and no extended family. You learn to play with the cards you’re dealt. I do wish things were different for my son’s sake, but hell, he has a Sun/Saturn square natally, so I figure maybe this is just part of his journey.
I sometimes wonder when society is going to wake up and start appreciating the value of its women.
“I sometimes wonder when society is going to wake up and start appreciating the value of its women.”
ha ha ha. I wonder exactly the opposite – wake up and start appreciating the value of it’s men. 🙂
my son needs a dad.
which his real father hasn’t shown any capacity nor interest in being.
it’s amazing how much my relationship with his has improved since my fiancee and i started spending more time together with him. it’s amazing how much having someone actually back up my parenting, even if only present on an irregular basis (rather than belittle it) has done for my effectiveness and his willingness to take me seriously.
but, seriously. i watch the two of them together and realize that there’s things to being a man that i could never teach him… i just don’t have them in me.
Jana – that is probably because the single parent is inundated as it is – There life is completely taken over and now it’s as if they have done something wrong. How often is the absent parent confronted? Hmm…
Belated Thanks Elsa, when you pointed this out last year, it was very important to see how detached I can be.
Go Wyrdling – that sounds great!
Pluto in Capricorn. Ray Merriman calls it the “great cardinal Climax”, a term he has used since 1995 to describe this time. If you go back and find the last time we saw Pluto make so many alignments with other outer planets it was the start of the renaissance, which means “rebirth” or to be born again. So pluto marks the tearing down of the old and the rebuilding the new. Life is fractal in nature, as goes the macro so goes the micro. Extrapolation is the key.
So we can expect some great change coming in the next few years, in everything from government to our own lives, big banks to family structures.
for the next 2 to 3 years we may still be in the tear down faze, corruption is exposed, old ways of thinking come up for review and for a time it may look like the wheels are coming off our society, much like the 60’s. But unlike the 60’s this time we find lasting change, instead of the people changing to fit society, society will be changed by the people.
Countries like Iceland are already rejecting the international bankers attempt to saddle the people with debt created by the banks. The UK is in a uproar over this. Haiti and it’s long standing debt is also being called into question, as this earthquake may end up being a very good thing for the poor people of haiti.
The irony in my mind is the roll banking played in the renaissance, it enabled it to happen with bankers providing the money need for expansion. Seems this one will mark a huge change as common people start to understand the nature of international banking and the ilks it brings upon debt stricken countries with no hope of repaying.
But that’s just what I think of macro, but life is fractal in nature and self refferal it’s only tool, so these things may manifest in several ways on the micro in peoples lives. The losing of property, jobs, displacement are but just a few examples of the macro feeding down into the micro.
So far it’s been a great movie, if you grab some popcorn and pay attention. I can’t wait to see how things look on the other side.
Elsa, it may be hard now but when your children grow up they will grow to appreciate everything you did for them. I am a child of a single mother and yes I won’t lie growing up certainly was a struggle but when it’s all said and done, I know my mother did what she had to do. While the situation isn’t ideal, if you had neglected your sick daughter, what kind of message would you be sending to both of your children? You are teaching them to be kind and compassionate rather than cold and selfish. In the end, your servitude to your daughter will have taught your kids a valuable lesson. Sometimes the biggest hardships teach the most beautiful lessons.
Parents can screw up, and children are actually more flexible to change than we are, and I’ve been told the most important thing for children is that they know they are loved. In a thought, by action and communication.
I am single with three, the youngest being 16 and I counted on positive role models to help out but worry that the no manly man will hold back my youngest. My older sons try, but they are working on their own form of becoming adults and I don’t want them to feel any more responsibility than they already have had in their lives.
I’ve seen dual parents caught up in keeping up with the collective and their own narcissistic ways forcing their children to be who they are not and putting undue pressure on them to perform for attention they crave and be who they are not. They don’t have a relationship with their children because they are so autocratic.
I see this currently with my sister trying to take care of my mother who is having issues. She is bossy and overbearing and BLASTS with control freak intensity and no knowledge to back it up. We’re not allowed to have a countering opinion and now that we’ve addressed it, she’s still trying to control the situation. We’ll see how this pans out this week.
I think parenting is hard period- single or not- your at some point going to be the bad guy no matter how hard you try.
I can relate since my 8yr old was having serious issues this yr and my 11 yr old got left out- and felt so- but in some respects I think it was good for him to see that he needed to just take care of stuff himself.
These days i make a point to spend quality time with both boys and let them know although mom has to work and sometimes give the other more attention they are still loved!!
Its a constant exhausting battle I say with major ups and downs- sometimes i wonder is it worth it- and sometimes I cannot imagine my life without them-
You know, I think single parents do personify the lack and struggle when there is only one parent. But, the big thing that I believe needs to be brought into the open and what might actually end up being seen through this deterioriation of “family” and “parenting” is that we need eachother. Even with some two parent families, teamwork is lost and all responsibility falls onto one person. Lots of single families started out with someone saying, “I don’t need you!” And, given the individualistic nature of our current culture..that gets said a lot for various reasons.
But now, circumstances are occuring that *I hope* eventually shows most people just how important they are to others and how important others are to them and how those healthy relationships and partnerships not only affect them but are extensions out into the world at large.
Maybe we will once again find community, diplomacy, cooperation and interdependence.
Maybe the fall out from this will foster a more “working together toward a common goal” attitude rather than “me vs the world”
You are so very right on the money with this video. I have from time to time been a single parent with 2 children and it sucked. Working and trying to parent is nearly impossible you can not be all on all fronts.
I know of many adults who are single parents, and they all suffer, and their children all suffer, no matter how hard anyone tries. It’s just not possible. Other than having one instead of two parents, a child needs both feminine and masculine role models, otherwise their views become skewed and it takes a long time to fix that.
Oh my gosh!! My S.O. has a Sun-Saturn conjunction. Even though his parents have been together all his life, at his first Saturn square, he lost his beloved mom to a chronic illness and she’s been bedridden ever since. He was basically left parentless as his father had to care for his mother and when he wasn’t caring for her, was being an austere prick to his kids. He had to grow up tremendously in those years but Pluto in Capricorn revealed those insights to him.