Dear Elsa,
I’ve always struggled in finding fulfilling and harmonious relationships. I tend to want too much, too fast, too soon. This either pushes people away all together, or leads me to find people who exploit my dependency needs, sometimes abusively.
I know I need to correct this, and that I need to be less intense. I had decided not to date at all until a cop friend introduced me to her coworker. He is EVERYTHING I want in a boyfriend. Smart, funny, charming, great chemistry, sensitive, the whole nine yards. I am terrified of spoiling it by being pushy, demanding, or paranoid.
In casual conversation, he’s mentioned relationships failing because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Of course, I instantly got paranoid and assumed he’d also never want a relationship with me. This is not healthy or productive.
I was wondering if you could give some advice on how to best approach him and help this develop.
Thanks
Plutonian Lover
Dear Plutonian,
First, you should be congratulated for making an effort to look at your patterns in relationship. I think it’s heroic, especially when you’re only in your mid-twenties. You are rare! I feel the best I can do is encourage you to continue on this path, and try to support you with a bit of information.
I appreciate you may be motivated to tear into his chart – see what makes him tick, figure out how to “approach him”. But can you see how this is manipulative?
You need to focus on yourself and here’s the astrology: you have Pluto (intensity, psychology, etc.) in the 7th house (relationships) square Venus in Cancer (dependent). People tend to project whatever is in their 7th house, and you are no exception. Read your post up there. You claim the “other” (7th house) is manipulating you… little you, little baby girl with Venus in Cancer…
Can you see that? So this is the battle. Forget about how you’re going to work him. He will run his own life. He will do what he wants to do. And if you are smart (and you are), you will continue to delve into your own psychology. “Watch your side of the street” as recovering alcoholics say – and if you want motivation to continue on this challenging path, here it is:
If you don’t dig in there and do this work, you can expect nothing but uber-pain in relationships for the rest of your life. On the other hand, if you can unravel your complexes, you will become able to form powerful alliances with others – which I know is what you want. So there you go.
Good luck.
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Great question. I often need to reflect or remember what ‘projecting the 7th House’ means. You clarify with your answer; I’ll need to let it seep in. I have Pluto in a Leo 7th House square a Scorpio and Mercury 10th House and trine Venus and Jupiter in the 11th. So does a square vs. a trine change the projection?
Astrology was not my form of exploration in my twenties, but self-help and psychology was. Decades later I see how your advice to Plutonian Lover really is applicable. Forming powerful alliances is important to me, and become powerful when I am NOT manipulating outcomes.
My family members stoic, then they would explode when something triggered them. It happened in relationships too. Fixed signs don’t blow often, but when they do…..
I have a 7th house Pluto, in Libra. I’m always confused by Pluto in the 7th. I hardly hear positive things. There’s a thread on here where Elsa replied to me that 7th house Pluto is “till death do us part” that sounds more familiar to me. I do not have tumultuous relationships but every relationship I’ve ever had (romantic and non) have been long lasting. I do wonder if my Aquarius moon has something to do with this? Because although I expect complete loyalty from those close to me and I can be very possessive I usually catch myself and manage to detach. Thankfully my husband has a Scorpio 8th house so we get each other.
Pisces 7th house with Saturn in there. I think they need love. Actually I just need love. And they’re not wounded, they’re self-centered. I would like to be more self-centered.
Moral of the story at 51: don’t expect anything and don’t compromise the stability of my foundations or my family. Which means, I think a relationship would be disruptive, not enriching. I’m not closed off but I’m realistic at this point. If you’re not paired off at a certain point it’s unlikely to change. Whatever!
“If you’re not paired off at a certain point it’s unlikely to change.” — I’ve been in long-term relationships, including a 15 year one, but I have now been single 13.5 years, and honestly, I don’t think I would be able to be in a relationship anymore. (There was some dating and a couple of minor relationships in that 13.5 year period, but nothing ‘living together’, and all of it pretty pathetic.)
“I’m not closed off but I’m realistic at this point.” — I’m 58 and will be having my 2nd Saturn Return between Christmas and New Year’s. I don’t build my life on possible lottery winnings and I’m not holding my breath in regards to meeting a compatible partner. If I do, fine. But I’m not factoring that in my plans for the future, anymore than I am factoring winning that lotto.
Leo 7th house with Uranus at 19 Leo, followed by Venus and Pluto tightly conjunct in early Virgo. (I’ve got a HUGE 7th house. Takes up most of my Leo and Virgo.)
I’m gonna have to review, one more time, all of Elsa’s advice (this post and others on the same theme) because I am clearly not “doing relationships” right. It’s been a lifelong problem!
I must be projecting like crazy!!
(But do I get points for “doing relationship right” with my ~cat~? Four years together now and still going strong! BEST relationship I’ve ever been in!!) (I know, that’s sad.)
I know I said in my reply to Kumquat above that I’m not looking to be in a relationship. But. I still have to ‘relate’ and ‘partner’ with people, in non-romantic ways. Plus, I am sincerely interested in discovering WHAT I am projecting on others, at this point in my life. (This will not be the first time I look at this.) I’m pretty sure I could benefit from an Aha! on this matter!!
Could you possibly be projecting and an egomaniac? Someone self-centered? Someone Regal in bearing?
Don’t take it personally but the relationship with the cats is to be expected!. I want to know where your North Node is? In which house, and what sign?
This is really synchronicity at work because I’ve been thinking about Pluto in my 7th house as well. But I seem to have a different problem, I tend to trust my partners (people in general) until I no longer do. I do have paranoid tendencies but being aware of them helps keep them in check – what is really the problem is that sometimes my intuition is correct and the partner does cheat and I tend to blame it on my paranoia.
I’ve also been thinking if 7th house is what we project onto others, would that mean I am not trustworthy?
I thought I knew what I wanted in a relationship. In a man.
Then I met all these jerks whom I let into my heart, through sex (packed 8h house including the moon) and then they left me.
Now I don’t know and frankly, I care less and less. I too have had the wish to delve into another dating prospect’s synastey with me to KNOW what’s going on, how we connect, to control (pluto in 8th) my partner or prospect’s wants, needs and how to ensure he never leaves me.
And what do they do? They leave me. These days, with Saturn soon in Cap and Pluto here, my boundaries are very weak. Even for a 12th house Cap. I easily let people manipulate and influence me. This could result in inspired action but more often than not, it just end up being self-imposed pain, too much dependency and insecurity. I’m so tired of it. I don’t want casual flings, but I don’t know how to find that commitment in myself that would lead to a relationship. I’ve had a life full of drama and blergh, I am terrified of fibding another emotional draining partner which just sucks me dry because my boundaries are so unclaer/foggy. So… Yeah. Projecting could be easy but I’m not going to…
I got no answer to your dilemma, but I like the way you write. You are getting more mature through time and it’s reflected in your texts. Best of luck.
Where your natal Neptune is.
Might that be impacting your clarity boundaries and determination?
I met the love of my life and married him while Pluto was transiting my 7th, and I have Sagittarius on my 7th house cusp. I also have Pluto conjunct IC in my chart on the 4th house side, so transiting Pluto in the 7th was squaring my natal Pluto too during part of that transit. So Pluto isn’t all bad news—I just became a completely different person than I was before. I’m now a stay-at-home wife and a stepmom instead of a career woman. Pluto played a part in bringing me the kind of deep, transformative love that I never thought I would have in my life. We’re still together and still deeply in love.
Yesssss. Pluto is powerful.
Relating to 7th house issues, Pluto is powerfully loving, enough to be actually altering a person.