The soldier and I, after I made that last video.
“I’m doing okay,” I said. “I got another video made finally.”
“How was it?”
“Oh, I think it was good. I told a story. It was funny and it had a purpose but boy those things bug me out. They are just not real at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well for starters I look better in the videos than I do in real life. So I guess I could be grateful for that except I also look like I feel good.”
“You do?”
“Yep. I look good and I look like I feel good when I actually feel anything but! It’s uncanny. I feel like crap and I look at the video and I am just baffled. Anyone seeing one of those things would think I am having no problem at all.”
“That’s good. That’s the magic.”
“Huh? Magic? How is that good? I’ll tell you what’s happening. People see those things and they write me. How are you doing they ask? Well I’m doing horrible, I say. My whole life is on fire, and I am having a murderous time. I say this because it’s the truth and they’ve got to get that back and say what the hell is this? She’s right there on the video and she looks fine to me.”
He didn’t say anything.
“Yeah, I imagine it must sound like I’m crazy. How bad can it be when you look good and you sound good?” I said with a snort. “This is the freakiest thing ever. For the first time in my life I can see what other people see and it pretty much explains my whole life. It also makes me wonder.”
“Makes you wonder what?”
“Wonder if I should just let the illusion be real. When people ask how I’m doing, how about I say I’m doing great. Great! I am doing grand! I have no problems in the world, just like you imagine. Maybe I can just start saying that and forget reality. Who needs it? No one pays attention to it anyway.”
He laughed.
“Well it would make a lot more sense then trying to convince people of reality when the unreal illusion makes such a strong statement. It’s one hell of a cosmic joke when you think about it. Drown me in gut wrenching problems from the day I am born but make it appear I’ve never had a problem in my life.”
He made a little snort. “Yeah, I know what you mean, P.”
“Well now that I can see if for myself I can understand it better and I am going to think about whether it might work to just let the hologram stand as reality. Because it seems stupid and fruitless to try to tell people I am suffering when they believe that they can plainly see I am not. Her? What the hell does she have to complain about?”
He laughed.
“Yeah, and there is no use being mad about it either because frankly if I look with their eyes I see the same thing they do. Now I don’t know about ignoring what you’ve been told though. I don’t know how that works but you know all about it because it happens to you too. What happens if you tell someone you were in Special Forces? What do they say?”
“They think I’m lying. They call me a liar.”
“Right. So eventually you quit saying it.”
“Yep.”
“And they stand there and tell you about their difficult days in the ROTC? About how disciplined they are from this experience?”
“Yep.”
“Well there you go. No wonder we get along. I may have to turn into you,” I said. “Let people put whatever they want on me.”
“Yeah, P, that’s the way it is. They see I was in the army and ask me what I did when I was in there. Oh, I was in Special Forces, I say. And they say, you were not. So I say, then you just write down what it was I did in the army then since you know.”
“Yeah, well don’t you think this is freaky though? That people would think they have a better idea what your life is, how it’s going than you do. Where do they get their information?”
“I don’t know where they get their information and it’s freaky all right but it happens to me all the time. I can’t tell you how many people have told me I haven’t spent a day in Special Forces in my life but there have been a lot of them. Matter of fact, I don’t think anyone has ever believed me even once so I finally quit telling people about 10 years ago. I just let them fill in the blank however they want.”
“The blank?”
“Yeah. The blank of what I did in the army. I don’t even ask what they put in there because I don’t even care. I mean, I suppose I could kill them and that might prove something but then they’d be dead. That would give them one second to know I am not lying, right before their life ended. That can’t be the thing to do so I just stand there and let them tell me who I am and what I did and didn’t do.”
“And what do you say?”
“I just tell them how good it all sounds. Oh, well that sounds good, I say. That sounds just peachy.”
::smiles::
Any other Pisces rising / Saturn Neptune types give in like this?
With Neptune transiting my 3rd House & starting to square my Mars/Mercury in Scorpio, I’m beginning to have people completely misconstrue my communications. Though how badly seems to depend on their transits. For example, my niece who has Pluto exactly squaring her natal Moon/Jupiter in Virgo interprets everything as an attack. I have never treated her hurtfully in my life and I’m still be accused of being mean & sarcastic! So I’m just going to step back for now . . . with Pluto AND Neptune involved, laying low seems to be a good option!
That’s just exhausting!
Seeing as I have capricorn in the MC, people supposedly believe me. At least nobody tries to tell me they know more about my life that I do – they wouldn’t dare!
Thanks for sharing this, Elsa. I confess I’ve been trying to reconcile what you’ve been telling us about your current state with this vivacious Snow White I see in your videos, and I couldn’t make them match. What wins out is the image.
I remember your blog entry a couple weeks ago about how everyone lavished sympathy on your sister and none on you. Maybe it’s because we can easily sympathize with someone whose life *seems* worse off than ours, but for someone who has her shit together a lot better than we do? We’d more likely think, how great to be her. But this is staying stuck in an ego perspective. It doesn’t get at the reality of what this other person is going through.
I’ve seen a correlation between how much a person projects vulnerability and how much others rush to their rescue. The projecting can be conscious or unconcious, and the vulnerability can be real or not…doesn’t matter. This is what others see. A couple of Cancers I know are masters at this…and it’s manipulative. It gets them lots of goodies, and so they keep doing it, but I find them pretty ruthless and self-centered…not what I consider truly vulnerable. (Or maybe they are, but they don’t extend the same sympathy to others.)
And you, Elsa, project a lot of strength and resourcefulness and lack of self-pity. Lately I’ve recognized that if I want people to get what I’m feeling, I need to “dramatize” it–show it (not just say it). This goes against the grain, since I hate being manipulated or manipulating others.
On the other hand, if I’m projecting strength, then I’m also getting that message back…that I’m strong…which is probably better than getting, “oh yeah, you’re right, you are a mess.” It’s nice to have one’s actual feelings acknowledged, but I also don’t want some of my feelings reinforced. 🙂
Pisces rising and Saturn square Neptune on the midheaven, and this explains a lot! Neptune is also conjunct my sun, mercury and mars as well. My motives are always misunderstood. Arghh it is so frustrating. Nowadays I just figure that those close to me in my life know who I really am, but I still find myself fighting to be really understood. Mercury is also retrograde in my chart, and I’ve read that it’s hard to get your points across with that aspect as well.
Saturn is currently beginning a square to my sag stellium (saturn return coming up) so I figure I gotta just go with the flow. There’s so many transits going on right now, that I have no choice!! (pluto conj moon as well).
I just believe you. If you say you are in pain then you are. Fin.
venus in leo can always put on a show for the camera, right? you’re not communicating the state of your life, you’re communicating the story of the day. besides, you have libra, yes? and libra has a tendency to put a thin coat of “everything’s running smoothly” over things whether it’s true or not. just to avoid friction.
i don’t get how people can think they know all of you when all they’re seeing is a little, tiny piece.
this just confuses me.
Valkrie writes:
>>Thanks for sharing this, Elsa. I confess I’ve been trying to reconcile what you’ve been telling us about your current state with this vivacious Snow White I see in your videos, and I couldn’t make them match. What wins out is the image.>>
Thanks for putting such good words to this. I am SEE-ing this for the first time in my life and it’s just like anything else. Now I can see a 100 other manifestations, but thanks for being so honest. I know you are not the only one.
wyrdling writes:
>>venus in leo can always put on a show for the camera, right? you’re not communicating the state of your life, you’re communicating the story of the day. besides, you have libra, yes? and libra has a tendency to put a thin coat of “everything’s running smoothly” over things whether it’s true or not. just to avoid friction.>>
Yes, wyrdling that is a completely correct interpretation except that my reasoning and motives go much deeper. With me there is always a root much deeper than anyone imagines… and I mean this is true even those who know me the best and have known me for decades. I cannot help it that this is the case but it is the case and I figure it’s fortunate.
I guess I don’t see how I could do anything I do if things weren’t exactly how they are for the reasons that are the reasons, la la la.
I sure wish people could see I am not from the ROTC, I will say that. 🙂
Oh, and wyrdling, you are right on the “tiny bit” thing too. I made that last video in 2 tries, so basically 3 or 4 minutes. In the scheme of my day, what is that? So I was able to produce that thing and fool countless people now and into the future all with that little bit.
It really bothers me how our society wants to ‘bond’ over misery. As though we are supposed to project pain to get empathy. Personally I have been through bad times, and if I embodied how badly I felt about my circumstances I would be dirty, smelly, grouchy, crying and wailing at every given opportunity. Sorry, I just don’t want to live in that way!
Being the person I am, I only realized in the last couple of years how I can appear to some: for example an ex-friend told me once
“People are always saying how nice you are, and I just tell them you’re a bitch.”
I got really upset and asked her why she would say such a thing, and she said: ‘Oh jeez, I dunno, I didn’t mean it that badly–you just stand up for yourself.’ I said, are you fucking kidding me? Sorry I’m not a simpering doormat! I am a nice person, by the way, just oblivious to the people who work to tarnish my image (maybe this is a Uranus MC opp. Sun issue).
Just to clarify, I’m not advocating wallowing in misery to get sympathy. I’m just observing that if there’s a disconnect between appearance and words, people are likely to go by appearance.
Many adults have learned to mask what they’re feeling, and not necessarily consciously. Animals don’t do this (I don’t think), and not many children do either. Masking is an adaptation that can sometimes backfire if it means you’re not communicating clearly what’s going on inside. But it can be a healthy adaptation too.
WOW. I have pisces rising and I always put on a front as well. Although most of the time my problems with people not understanding me can be avoided by my not revealing anything or giving my opinion about things, it’s easier to hang back and nod and say nothing. I want to speak of astrology, numerology and mystical subjects like they are important (because it is prevalent in my life) and other people just don’t understand, believe or care about it. Then they think I’m nutty and give me no credibility. I am always editing what I say based on my knowing that most people I deal with are involved with religion and consider my beliefs radical and false. I would rather swim away than right at people with my opinions, its the pisces way!!
Oh, Valkyrie, I hope you don’t think I was implicating you, I was just off on my own little rant, LOL!
I agree with you, of how what we ‘project’ and the response around us are closely related, and I do agree people manipulate this.
I’m usually trying so hard not seem vulnerable (I have a 1st House Moon and people close to me are constantly saying ‘poor you’ if I have so much as a headache), so my relationship to the issue can vary wildly.
Something I was thinking about just today is how under certain circumstances I have been very clear about a need to have a person close to me HELP me, and been completely ignored. It makes me wonder what to do, because I, too, don’t want people to think I’m ‘helpless’ just because I need ‘help.’
I thought this was due to the moon in sagitarius.
It happens to me too. With aquarius rising and sag moon I don’t show emotions alot, and I like it that way but it has that side effect, people have no clue what you are going through, unless you break out and cry. With scorpio in the MC (I seem secretive I guess) and the aqua rising it doesn’t bother me much. I had thought about this seeing Elsa looking so together, I thought other people might think she’s not so bad. Me,I know Elsa has sag moon like me and I think this is a sag moon thing. We can joke about being depressed, semi-sarcastic. There was one video where we could see a bit of Elsa’s tired soul. Don’t remember which now. One of the last ones.
I realize everything I’ve wrote is contradictory…gah! Libra 9th House, that’s what you get: ideas this way; ideas another way…
Just for the record, I don’t have a sag Moon and tired soul is right. I am have just wound up a Pluto transit and there are times I am so tired I can’t speak. And I will tell you how pervasive Neptune thing is.
One day my friend, Ben, with whom I am intensely bonded asked me if transits affected me. 🙂
I thought I’d faint.
sorry, for some reason I thought your pluto-moon transit was a conjunction all this time. you look like a sag moon though. Must be the jupiter on house 1, along with the neptune on MC.
You can change this now that you are aware of it. But I’d say what’s the point. The videos wouldn’t be better. Everything has it’s own place and time.
Ben is crazy 🙂 either that or he’s doesn’t know much about astrology.
I too am a Cap rising with Neptune in Scorp on the MC…so I hear you sister, but the whole thing about appearing to not be phased by problems is something I’ve always attributed to the Cap rising. I am always aware that I am being held as an example to others…people tend to watch to see how I react to things…and then react based on my reaction, that’s felt like I needed to be more responsible than others…but maybe that’s the projection of neptune on the MC? It doesn’t help that I have mercury in pisces exactly trine that neptune either…Im never sure what the truth of anything is!
((Bella))
I understand you entirely. 🙂
Thanks, Kashmiri 🙂 Glad I wasn’t confusing, particularly since my topic was miscommunication. he he
I know I’m replying to an old post, but- where to begin? Seems like only those really close to me can read me correctly, & even then not always. I have Pisces 1st house, Neptune conjunct midheaven & other Neptune aspects. My work goes unrecognized & I get accused of not doing it even when it’s apparent I have. When I’m in pain, people say things like, “Aren’t you giddy today?!” & if I need help- it’s lucky if someone even takes the time to listen because it’s very quickly forgotten.
Neptune on the MC opposite Saturn. Oh man do I ever understand the thing of being told you ARE what you aren’t. Everyone THINKS they know the real you and on my end, I am forever pointing out how wrong they are but they ignore what I tell them and stick with what they THINK/KNOW I am. It gets very frustrating, but when a thick fog shrouds everything, people always think they can see through it or pretend they can.