The Shadow Side Of Love… Pain

I’ll try not to go too crazy on this topic but fact is my family has a lot of planets in early Cardinal so you may see a slew of posts. I was writing about those songs I was listening to on the way to Salina… this led me to the legacy topic because if the soldier’s son gets the songs, this would be an inheritance, see?

Most of you also realize the soldier and I are having the Saturn return of our relationship, this time opting to commit (marry) after the tragic &(*($% up the first time around.

I woke up lovesick yesterday. I literally felt sick and it stems from the picture my sister sent.  Love in 1979

I cop to having terrific memory problems, they are epic. I have also written extensively about having a sensitivity to Neptune versions of things like pictures, movies and music and that image really tweaked me.  It triggered my memory obviously and when i do remember something, well I am a very visceral person so there is a physical reaction. I’ve not been able to process this very well for a variety of reasons and anyway, blah, blah, blah.

Last night I decided to reach over on top the DVD player, 4 feet from where I sit and type and get the green notebook that has sat on top the machine for more than a year waiting for me to look at it.  Some of you know I like to let things cool off when I know they have a lot of energy and this book qualifies as it dates to the very early 1980’s.

I knew what was in it.  The soldier came across it when we were unpacking his stuff in the garage when he moved here. He flipped through it until he found the song he’d written about me after we broke up. “See what you did to me, P?” he said. ::rolls eyes:: :”I’ve kept this all these years.”

“Lemme see that. Bring it in the house,” I said at the time. It has sat on top the DVD player since but last night I decided to look through it.

I examined the cover then opened the book and slowly combed each page.  The pages were full of equations and small math drawings.  There were some of his ever lovin’ trusses he has been calculating his whole life. I turned the pages slowing and one after another after the next were covered from top to bottom with math, math and more math.

There was one note in there. Apparently he was communicating with someone who was in class with him. The note was innocuous, telling the person where some other person might be found in the town.  Outside of that the book was full of math, math, math, and more math. It was full of neat, orderly, this-is-a-good-boy math and then after that some more math and then all the sudden you turn the page and there’s the song.

The song is dark and it is stark. It is Scorpio Moon through and through as he discusses my soul, his soul… and then ends abruptly on an icy cold note. Turn the page and…

And the equations begin again. Yep, they just start right back up. His statement is made and he goes on with this life.

It’s all very heavy on both sides. He had me mistaken on the day he wrote that song and this is a quintessential Venus/Pluto story because a few months later I rose from the ashes and I wasn’t even there.

I went on to keep him company for the next 24 years and then one day in 2003, I googled his name to read his death notice and found him alive.

In whatever case we are living example of what can happen when people meet. It’s not necessarily pretty even when it’s love.


11 thoughts on “The Shadow Side Of Love… Pain”

  1. thank you for sharing this Elsa…your last line was especially poignant to me.

    love definitely has a shadow side (Venus-Moon-Pluto Cardinal T-square) and it’s my experience I only get to cavort for a very limited time before I see it within my relationships.

    (I’m thinking a lot about respite these days)

  2. “In whatever case we are living example of what can happen when people meet. It’s not necessarily pretty even when it’s love.”


  3. Scorpio moon just feels so deeply – people have often said to me that I seem so hard, or distant – that is the need to protect how deeply vulnerable I am. It makes so much sense to me, him immersing himself in numbers (facts, figures) – when I am shutting down I can literally feel the doors closing, and I turn into another person. But it is either that or sink into total despair.

  4. Dorothy, I can understand that. Sometimes the most stoic seeming people are actually the most sensitive. Not always, but sometimes.

  5. “It’s not necessarily pretty even when it’s love.”

    Oh, oh! Ow. 🙁
    I so much want to believe it’s all light and laughter and butterflies (Mars-Venus in Libra, sextiling Neptune, trine Moon), but I can’t escape the fact that it’s not (M-V conjunct Pluto, Cap DSC). At least I know I’ve had my one major trauma (drama? Oh, my Leo sun wallows in it!), so that’s out of the way, even if it casts a shadow over the rest of my relationships from here on out.

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