They Don’t Want You…But Go Nuts When Someone Else Does

I would like to understand this phenomena. You don’t like your wife or you don’t like your husband. You complain incessantly, you wish you’d never met them, they are bane of your existence and just in general, you feel they are worthless.

Eventually they leave you and whoops! Someone else snaps them up!

Now why are you so pissed? Why do you come unglued and/or try to destroy them? What do you care? Really. Why. Do. You. Care?


37 thoughts on “They Don’t Want You…But Go Nuts When Someone Else Does”

  1. I think developmentally the complaining incessantly etc is a real infant type behavior so it follows that when their partner/spouse goes and someone else snatches them up – like a little kid they cry because someone else has got their toy (even though they didn’t want to play with it anymore anyway!). I find human behavior is pretty easy to figure out when I just ask myself what age is this person really operating at. 🙂

  2. I never had this feeling myself. If I want someone, then I want them full to myself, but if I don’t, then I want someone else to take them (so they won’t be showing up to me).

  3. Loss of control over the person who left, would be my guess. Not having someone to dump your anger and unhappiness on directly (although you can still obsess and blame them for things since they left).

  4. I don’t know. Maybe secretly wishing that they would be however they used to be and/or feeling insecure that they won’t be able to find anyone new?

  5. I’m with Stella.It’s the only logical explanation.If I love someone I will want to treat them nicely because I love them.End of story

    Maybe these people don’t know how to appreciate love,or don’t know that they love someone until they’re gone.

    If what dolce said is the case,then those people should become conscious of their actions and what provoke them to behave that way.Because their partner will eventually leave,and they will remain the angry,people repelling person.

  6. Avatar
    Le Ciel du Scorpion

    I dated that guy. It’s proof that you never really loved him to begin with. At least, that’s the way he sees it. Love is in the suffering. Once you walk away from that, you’ve walked away from him. You were never *really* serious about the relationship to begin with then, were you? Typical Scorpio.

  7. Avatar
    Violent Hour Muse

    Along with all the complaining, you are also working on the relationship (albeit ineffectively). When they up and leave (after all your hard work), somebody else gets the benefit of that. They usually put more effort into the new relationship, wipe the slate clean, after learning the lessons from their ‘practice marriage’. They take the emotional investment (or infestment) you made in them, and deposit it with someone else. Somewhere along the line, you feel robbed by the ‘chi thief’ as as Shaman elder puts it.

  8. Because, Goddamn it, not only could you not be nice to me or ever think of me, but then you had to go and LEAVE me for someone else, you Motherfucker!!

  9. …if someone else actually likes you and is happy with you… maybe you weren’t all (the old partner’s) shadow after all. we can’t have anyone thinking that!!!

  10. One of the suggestions for improving your relationships is to step back and look at your mate with the eyes of “the other woman”. It helps you appreciate the good things more and not let the bad things overshadow them. Still, this reaction does make me think of a two year old hugging all his toys screaming “mine” when another child wants to play. Some of us never grow up.

  11. Some people complain while working through a rough patch, but don’t expect the person to leave. Why would they try to resolve problems if they had the intention of leaving? So when they are gone, and their love goes elsewhere, it leaves a huge gap that people struggle to fill. It’s one of those things that looks irrational, but it is devastating to lose somebody when they were in the midst of trying to fix things. All that energy they were putting into the relationship has nowhere to go all of a sudden.

  12. I’ve been on both sides of this, though nothing extreme. My ex is dating and such, and overall it doesn’t bother me. I don’t want him back, but I’m irked that the philosophical/personal shifts he’s had since departure didn’t happen sooner. I’m both elated and annoyed that he’s so dang happy, lol. I guess I laid some groundwork for any new women, maybe they’ll get to date a complete person.

    On the flipside there’s a man that I’ve spent some time with that backed off, but then has been behaving in strange ways since I’ve been dating other people. Can’t tell what if it’s jealousy, ego or just me misreading the situation.

  13. This looks like Pluto in 7th house. Domineering , emotionally demanding.

    This describes my ex “to a T”. Pluto was transiting her 7th when we divorced , and squared her natal Pluto in 4th.

  14. I would say that sometimes it’s resentment because a person feels line the new relationship is getting more or better effort than whatever the old relationship experienced. It’s a kind of sadness because a person may wonder why that weren’t able go make it work like it seems to be working in the new relationship. But it’s a kind of “grass is greener on the other side attitude” that really doesn’t get anyone anywhere. Not worth the energy.

  15. I’ve broken up with people because I wasn’t happy, and no way in hell would i ever want them back. I’m happy with my decision. Period.

    Agree with starkttn, if you’re working through a rough patch, and the person leaves…. you’ve put all that energy into it. And I don’t know that that person is a better partner for someone else. If they have problems, it could still show up in other relationships. I don’t think people change that much just because they’re with someone new.

    I’m sure there are stories..

  16. Read somewhere that this is a trait of Cancer by pretending to ignore the desired object. The books I’m thinking of are either Cosmic Coupling or Sextrology by Starsky and Cox.

    Also, isn’t the way they’re testing the water to see if you really mean to leave them?

    I totally understand this behavior since I have my natal Moon in Cancer. But in reality, I’m way too obvious with my affection. Hahaha.

  17. I can’t answer this. I wanted both of my exes gone, and never wanted either one of them back. The first one is now dead, but he hooked up with another drunk, so they deserved each other.

    If the second ex is dating, I don’t want to know about it. I don’t care. There is not one cell in my body that misses anything about him, so if someone else is stupid enough to want to date him, more power to her.

    In speculating, however, I can imagine someone being hurt that the ex is treating the new person better, or doing things that they would never do with you. Like, the ex would never take you out to eat, but he’s taking his new girlfriend on a cruise!

    Even then, in my case, I would still never want him back – yuck.

  18. If I’m done and I or they move on, then it doesn’t really bother me if someone else wants to be with my ex. I’m usually a happy for them 🙂

    My conflict comes in true mother bear form. I could be all done and ready to walk and the instand I find out that they are gonna go thru a tough time, I’m suckered back in. Yep, just wanna be there to help and support them if possible.

  19. You know, I mostly never care except this last time. This person talked me into giving up my career, destroying my relationships, putting my son at risk, changing my religion, etc — and I knew a long time ago — I mean, the phrase, ” It will never work,” doesn’t even begin to describe this scenario.

    He kept pushing me to do these things because he said that we were fated to be together and he didn’t want anything else in his life but me — and it had to be nownownow. Then later he said the real reason he said all that was that if he had had to wait another year or something, ” he would have lost interest.”

    But after going through absolute hell because ” I was his true love,” when we broke up he had found somebody to mack on like in the next six hours or something. Which meant — in real terms, outside of Fantasyland, he had met somebody else and had decided *she* was going to be his true love now way before we actually broke up.

    He told me, when we were first together, that if we did not end up together forever he would die celibate. This was before I had destroyed my life for him. When I think about this now — educated, analytical me, I can’t believe I fell for it.

    So when I found out about the woman it was clear evidence of what I suspected. If you really consider someone to be the *only* person for you in the whole wide world so that the universe must be bent in two on behalf of your love, to great an irreparable damage to them and everything they care about, you’d think they would be hard to replace.

    Caught redhanded, ” my true love” said to me — ” What was I supposed to do, moon over you for the rest of my life?”

    He was a pathological liar and I had been sucked in, and lost everything, because I had wandered into the headlights of yet another sociopath.

    The betrayal wasn’t the woman. It was everything that came before.

  20. When you continually pay-out on your partner, scorn your partner, you better be damned sure they have nowhere else to go and no-one else to turn to. Because, sooner or later, they will …

  21. I’m a Scorpio and I can be emotionally demanding and possessive and also very competitive when it comes to relationships – well I used to anyway. If the person I’m with lets me get more power or lets my ego go a little too far I’ll walk all over them. I’ll even put them through little tests to see how far I can get before they just give up and give me more power. But I won’t break up with them, I emotionally need them and if they are smart enough to go and find someone else, I am so angry – I’ll start thinking “who the hell do they think they are? They can just take control and leave?” Whenever I get the chance to talk to them (usually I manipulate the opportunity so they talk to me first) I will try my best to subtly make them feel guilty. It’s just one big game to me sometimes.

    Yep, psycho scorpio right here. But I have learnt to control this. Acting like that only hurts myself and it’s so draining. Now that I’ve changed that side to me, I’m so much more understanding, loving and open in relationships. (I’m also a pretty private person and letting someone know the real me is hard – again i feel like I’ll lose power). I still get possessive and competitive feelings but I’m patient enough to let them pass and whatever happens, happens.

  22. LisLioness is right about it being a miserable, controlling person. They choose to externalize their unhappiness by projecting it onto their spouse. Easier to blame someone else than to fix their own issues. Someone else finding happiness with their EX incenses them because it shines a spotlight on who was the real problem – them. How dare their EX find happiness when the EX was the source of everything wrong in the world! Unfortunately, you can’t help these people and they’re dangerous to be around. They will suck the life right out of you.

  23. ” … I can imagine someone being hurt that the ex is treating the new person better, or doing things that they would never do with you. Like, the ex would never take you out to eat, but he’s taking his new girlfriend on a cruise!”

    This is what made me mad as hell when my husband took up with a very young woman before I’d even moved out of the house. I’m a very social person and it was a constant source of friction through our relationship that he would almost never go out with me, and didn’t much like having people over, either… with the new girl, he was taking her out for meals and even threw a party in our house for her when I was away for a few days! Grrrr!! If he’d done some of that for me with a good grace…. who knows!

    I’ve never minded at all though when I’ve finished a relationship and the guy gets another woman – good luck to them. When I’ve been dumped, that’s another matter

  24. My ex felt this way about me. In synastry, a great deal of my planets fell in his 2nd house, and he has a natal Libra Pluto in the 2nd opp Taurus Moon in the 8th.

    It was not pleasant for me. Dolce described it pretty well. I was his possession that he controlled, and as soon as he had me back within his grasp the criticism would begin again. I could not do anything right, because if I did something right, it would mean he lost a bit of control over me.

    Saturn is beginning to creep up on my natal Moon/Mars in Libra and I am so glad to be establishing some boundaries at last. I welcome the pain of Saturn if it means the pain of this abusive yo-yo will end.

  25. I see it as territory. Ego.

    For many people who do this its not really love its ownership… as some have said. The person going off is lost territory… they don’t really want them, but don’t want anyone else to have them either.

    Time to grow up.

  26. Blessed Place – Wow. Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. He was a hermit with you, but he’s Mr. Party Animal with The Tart. And that’s supposed to be somehow your fault – hardly! And you weren’t even moved out yet – totally, unnecessarily, inexcusably hurtful and rude.

    I’m sure he probably reverted to his old ways after trying to shove it up your rear so blatantly. And she deserves to be with a puke like him for being so low-class herself.

  27. I feel like this constantly with my husband.we split up because he cheated on me I was broken over it but I slowly started to feel better and talk to someone knew and it sent him over the edge it’s like it’s on repeat because it has happened before and I wish I could understand why. Why does he only want me when someone else has my attention

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