Dear Elsa,
Around 11 years ago my “best friend” hurt me and betrayed my trust, by moving without letting me know. Over the years she tried reconnecting with me and while I was polite I didn’t want to follow through because I was afraid of the same thing happening again. Last year I wanted to get over it and let go of the negative feelings I’d been harboring so I emailed her back finally and explained why I had been reluctant to reconnect, but would now like too and was hoping for her to explain her actions so long ago.
She emailed me back, but didn’t offer any explanations, just chalked it up to being a dumb kid. Since that initial email, she has not responded to any email or myspace message I’ve sent. I do not try often, once every few months I’ll email her. It really bugs me she won’t respond, but what bothers me most is how much it bugs me. How do I let this go and move on?
Aquarian
United States
Dear Aquarian,
I am sorry you got hurt. It appears you are a more serious-minded person than your (ex) friend and just understanding that might help some. I tend to be more like you though and I got stuck in a similar situation some years ago when I was abruptly dropped by my long standing best friend.
I spend years (eight of them) feeling bad and wondering why there had been a separation when one day I ran into her cousin and confided my feelings to him. “I think of her all the time,” I said. ‘And miss her.”
What a cold slap to reality when he said, “I am surprised. I never knew what happened between the two of you but she never mentions you at all…”
Whaaaat?
I can vividly recall how much it hurt to hear that at the time but I’m sure glad I did because it was one of the stops on the way to really coming to understand at a deep level that everyone is different which means they aren’t you. And because they aren’t you, they don’t act and feel the way you would (or the way you think they should) and I am pretty sure you can take this path out too. Because despite some heavy bits in you chart you are a Aquarian which would indicate an inherent appreciation of a person’s right to be an individual so I think if you look along these lines you’ll get free. It can sound like this:
“She got off the train at X and understanding this, I got off the train at Y.”
And then you might add, “No harm, no foul”.
Not because she did nothing wrong (I am not going to judge that) but because it will be best for you as it is a way to detach.
Good luck.
Who has not experienced a separation and not been bugged by it for years? I am totally certain that when a real exchange existed, there is not way that the other person has simply erased the other from their consciousness. So for every thoughts and feelings one has about them, so will they in their own unique ways. Here’s why:
I dont believe you can dump your best friend and be able to live with without owning it OR else sweep it under your carpet. Which is what the Aquarian’s friend did! the friend can’t face herself about it: her chalking Aquarian off as a dumb kid is a defensive reaction — and that comes from fear / feeling vulnerable and not wanting to deal with that. So she decides to sweep you under her carpet. And Elsa, of course “she never mentions you” cuz she’s not gonna expose that sore spot.
uh, this reminds me of the clip about resolving through the 12th after going thought the 8th!
Ana – What I found out is she does it to everyone. This was a long time ago and it wound up being a lifelong pattern – just something she does. It doesn’t pain me anymore and in fact this incident was instrumental in my learning some people just float off but the ones that really matter never do.
Ouch. I agree with Isabelle’s comments. A real exchange affects both people! You can’t get this close to someone and then just drop it. I doubt this person has erased you from her life altoghether, she called you to reconnect. Her inability to explain her actions and respond to you is an indication of her own fear. But that kind of behavior works for only so long, and then you have to finally own up to it and deal with it, and maybe she is now seeing that. Perhaps your friend liked you so much she could not stand the pain of having to say goodbye…and so just avoided it. And then she missed you enough to try to reconnect, but obviously she would have to go through the moving thing. When you contacted her and asked her to explain, well, how can you explain doing something like this to someone who was your best friend? You can’t, because it is horrible and inexplicable. I imagine this is just too difficult and painful for her to address, and she may be embarrassed by the way she treated you. It sounds like she was the one having difficulty letting go…she contacted you! Maybe you can forgive this person and all the pain their fears caused you, as you were once best of friends. Hope you come to peace with this however way you go! you sound like a good friend to me 😉
Elsa, I sure hope your friends appreciate what they have in you. A good friend is hard to find and even harder to replace. Perhaps your former friend couldn’t go as deep as you can, and it scared her off? I bet she still thinks of you, but can’t manage to talk about it. Fear inspires the worst of human behavior
That’s pretty cold. I think the friends that stick around and last are the ones that matter too. Real friendships don’t dissolve with time, they get better!
I’m the Aquarian in the question.
The day after I emailed Elsa the question
the ‘friend’ in question ended adding me as a friend on myspace.
I had to shake my head and laugh, then emailed her a nice hello and congrats on being pregnant with her 2nd baby.
I just won’t ever expect an actual explanation.
I was dropped by a friend after many years of friendship. It came at one of the worst times ever in my life. Ever.
Unlike many people, I wrote and phoned and emailed in a frenzy begging her to talk to me, telling her I love her, please tell me what I did, etc etc.
With some people you.will.never.know.
Funnily enough, I dropped a friend about 18 months ago and she runs around town claiming ‘she doesn’t know why’ and no, I don’t talk about her. I could list a litany of very obvious *crimes that were committed against me, but there really is no point. Some people are unaware/unwilling to face reality, full stop.