hrae, that is a good question and I meant to address it (when I thought of this a few days ago). My bad. If someone does something you truly hate then leave them. Anything is better then spending your life trying to get another person’s hair not to the curl the way it naturally does.
Elsa, I love when you write and speak on this topic. Its one of your most powerful and important messages (imo).
Getting over the hurdle of impractical standards–deal breakers–liberates both parties to a relationship in terrifically transformative ways.
Have you seen Dan Savage speak about ‘the price of admission’? He comes at the ideas you discuss from a complementary angle.
I’ve been kicking myself for not really taking on what someone was saying three years ago (about what they wanted to do), and letting myself have any expectations where they were concerned, because they kept reconnecting with me, and later on that first year, told me they’d changed their mind about one or two things, explaining some sort of zen thing that I won’t go into. Then they changed their mind a few months later, then changed it back… all the while, I’m trying to detach, and then getting sucked in for some reason. Now? they’re really trying to move forward with what they wanted three years ago! Stupid, stupid me.
And with him: it frustrated me that he would get close to a point, and then detach a bit, and see me as “almost there” when it came to really getting “it” – I have great potential (or “had” in his opinion) for having the same epiphany that he had, supposedly, but that’s just it: he couldn’t even say “I love you” without a caveat, let along almost apologize without one. How did I get so hooked on this guy? (rhetorical question). Your timing was just really good with this, because I was pacing around a bookstore yesterday evening, ranting in my head about being “almost” good enough. My thimg, for the past year, has been waiting for him to actually take responsibility for his side, without caveats. I’ve done it, and in turn, he piled all of the blame onto me, as well. :/ So frustrating, when I would wake up and want to meet someone closer to me, and healthier for me.
Argh, attack of the long comment. It’s just so frustrating. I was pretty healthy when we were getting to know each other, and I noticed how strongly he was affecting me, even when I didn’t know him so well (red flag, when they won’t admit to the same amount of interest/feeling, despite being the pursuer). Deal-breaker happened in late 2009, and coincided with me being extremely depressed, feeling stuck, and being faced with this person’s decision, and how little I meant to them at that point (despite their contacting me *again*). Had I not reconnected last Spring, I don’t think I would have come quite so unglued. So, my year was worse, because I stupidly had any contact with him at all.
(rant over – as I said, this video was so well-timed. I’m just PO’d at myself.)
Sounds like we’re going through the same thing. I keep letting this one guy back in over and over again. When he leaves, i feel this strong connection that keeps pulling me in. i’m asking myself right now, is it all worth giving myself to someone who obviously comes around when he wants.
I don’t want to keep giving myself away with no type of stable, solid and strong commitment.
I don’t want to ruin our friendship but he needs to balance what we have. I’m also willing to look at myself in the process of it all.
Reminds me of the time that I dated someone who was so quiet that I just couldn’t stand him. I mean, talk damn it, talk! I’m a Gemini, not a Pisces!
Lol, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, but there was something wrong with me. I mean, what the hell was I thinking being in a relationship with a person that doesn’t like to talk alot? I mean, I was the one that got myself in this rut so one day I told him that he wasn’t for me and he understood.
Elsa, I totally agree with what you’re saying. I’ve been married 4 times, and if I have learned nothing else, it’s that you CANNOT CHANGE another person.
Yes, organically they ‘might’ grow and evolve, but ‘basically’ you’re not (and shouldn’t) gonna change the person!!!!
It’s gone both ways with me too- where my partner gets obsessed with something that they feel I need to ‘change’ and it’s not gonna happen (at least not by force).
It’s really ‘KEY’. Thanks for telling it like it is! 😉
Salali — it was a setup. You would not *ever* “be there”. It’s like the old greek mathematical puzzle where no matter how many times you meet a person halfway — if they won’t close the distance there’s another half way to go.
You were involved with a mirage. Whatever it was that you examined in your relationship with the mirage is all youre going to get out of it finally so excavate it for self-knowledge and then let it go.
Actually I feel I do this to a fault. I’ll see the sea of greatness, and over look his flaws, but then try to Change MYSELF to accomodate.
He doesn’t like eating out, for example. so, instead, I’ll start not requesting it. Or sneak out to get a bite. Clearly not rectifying the situation, I’m eating alone or just not with him, and I still lose.
hum. I’m guilty, I guess. I have Virgo?
what if it’s “he’s always talking about how hot other women are”
or, “he always loses his temper for the siliest reasons”
where’s the line?
or am I missing what kind of obsession you’re talking about?
hrae, that is a good question and I meant to address it (when I thought of this a few days ago). My bad. If someone does something you truly hate then leave them. Anything is better then spending your life trying to get another person’s hair not to the curl the way it naturally does.
Also- I can see the one-sided blame in my comment…spare me? *ducks and covers*
Elsa, I love when you write and speak on this topic. Its one of your most powerful and important messages (imo).
Getting over the hurdle of impractical standards–deal breakers–liberates both parties to a relationship in terrifically transformative ways.
Have you seen Dan Savage speak about ‘the price of admission’? He comes at the ideas you discuss from a complementary angle.
CP Griffin – this is an awesome link! thanks for sharing!
Thank you for answering, Elsa!
Elsa,
What a great video. Well, as you know I’m working out my Saturn Aries 7th house. Thanks for reminding me about Saturn in Libra.
I’ve been kicking myself for not really taking on what someone was saying three years ago (about what they wanted to do), and letting myself have any expectations where they were concerned, because they kept reconnecting with me, and later on that first year, told me they’d changed their mind about one or two things, explaining some sort of zen thing that I won’t go into. Then they changed their mind a few months later, then changed it back… all the while, I’m trying to detach, and then getting sucked in for some reason. Now? they’re really trying to move forward with what they wanted three years ago! Stupid, stupid me.
And with him: it frustrated me that he would get close to a point, and then detach a bit, and see me as “almost there” when it came to really getting “it” – I have great potential (or “had” in his opinion) for having the same epiphany that he had, supposedly, but that’s just it: he couldn’t even say “I love you” without a caveat, let along almost apologize without one. How did I get so hooked on this guy? (rhetorical question). Your timing was just really good with this, because I was pacing around a bookstore yesterday evening, ranting in my head about being “almost” good enough. My thimg, for the past year, has been waiting for him to actually take responsibility for his side, without caveats. I’ve done it, and in turn, he piled all of the blame onto me, as well. :/ So frustrating, when I would wake up and want to meet someone closer to me, and healthier for me.
Argh, attack of the long comment. It’s just so frustrating. I was pretty healthy when we were getting to know each other, and I noticed how strongly he was affecting me, even when I didn’t know him so well (red flag, when they won’t admit to the same amount of interest/feeling, despite being the pursuer). Deal-breaker happened in late 2009, and coincided with me being extremely depressed, feeling stuck, and being faced with this person’s decision, and how little I meant to them at that point (despite their contacting me *again*). Had I not reconnected last Spring, I don’t think I would have come quite so unglued. So, my year was worse, because I stupidly had any contact with him at all.
(rant over – as I said, this video was so well-timed. I’m just PO’d at myself.)
CP – Thanks for the link..I needed to hear that!
@Salali,
Sounds like we’re going through the same thing. I keep letting this one guy back in over and over again. When he leaves, i feel this strong connection that keeps pulling me in. i’m asking myself right now, is it all worth giving myself to someone who obviously comes around when he wants.
I don’t want to keep giving myself away with no type of stable, solid and strong commitment.
I don’t want to ruin our friendship but he needs to balance what we have. I’m also willing to look at myself in the process of it all.
Reminds me of the time that I dated someone who was so quiet that I just couldn’t stand him. I mean, talk damn it, talk! I’m a Gemini, not a Pisces!
Lol, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, but there was something wrong with me. I mean, what the hell was I thinking being in a relationship with a person that doesn’t like to talk alot? I mean, I was the one that got myself in this rut so one day I told him that he wasn’t for me and he understood.
Both of us are still good friends today.
Elsa, I totally agree with what you’re saying. I’ve been married 4 times, and if I have learned nothing else, it’s that you CANNOT CHANGE another person.
Yes, organically they ‘might’ grow and evolve, but ‘basically’ you’re not (and shouldn’t) gonna change the person!!!!
It’s gone both ways with me too- where my partner gets obsessed with something that they feel I need to ‘change’ and it’s not gonna happen (at least not by force).
It’s really ‘KEY’. Thanks for telling it like it is! 😉
Virgo rising here… so, i better shut up.
Elsa you look gorgeous. Still loving the hair.
Salali — it was a setup. You would not *ever* “be there”. It’s like the old greek mathematical puzzle where no matter how many times you meet a person halfway — if they won’t close the distance there’s another half way to go.
You were involved with a mirage. Whatever it was that you examined in your relationship with the mirage is all youre going to get out of it finally so excavate it for self-knowledge and then let it go.
Actually I feel I do this to a fault. I’ll see the sea of greatness, and over look his flaws, but then try to Change MYSELF to accomodate.
He doesn’t like eating out, for example. so, instead, I’ll start not requesting it. Or sneak out to get a bite. Clearly not rectifying the situation, I’m eating alone or just not with him, and I still lose.