JR left a comment on Top Cheat Code For 2024 & Beyond. She sounds like a stable, competent, responsible young woman, who’s at a standstill when it comes to partnering. I asked permission to address some of her concerns, because I feel they’re common to her generation and good advice is hard to come by. This will be intentionally sharp, to cut through the general fog out there, not specific to this person.
I’m 31 y/o and single for a few years. I have been “on my own” since about 22. I always loved being independent, but have a deep longing to partner up again… I feel ready…
This concept you mention is something I have been fearing even more-so recently because of the direction this country is moving in with inflation and all… I’ve also found it very difficult to find a partner that will stick. With that, it brings more feelings of discouragement all around.
Here we learn she’s responsible and discouraged. One of these things is okay. The discouragement should be addressed.
I don’t mean this critically. You want to address it because leaving it as-is, drains you. Consider, you have succumbed to this. If you don’t clear it you’ll be stuck here… until you do! This is what I want to help you with.
Reasons I have had difficulties partnering is mainly because so much gaslighting from men these past couple of years, which has in turn, had me put up a huge guard when getting to know someone on an intimate level. It’s also given me the sensation that I may now be too selective to a fault, not giving a man enough opportunity to gain entry to my heart.
While I understand this sentiment, I’m not sure it’s real. The whole concept of locked heart with a key, does not seem authentic to me. Actual love, flows. It’s really unstoppable. You just can’t get the bastard off your mind.
What you’re describing is more like a video game. The man has to climb through obstacles; you’re the princess in the tower?
Not to say I am exactly right and you are exactly wrong. I think you can see what I mean. It will help to shift your perception in some way.
Just to be thorough, if you are meeting gaslighters, constantly, it’s a sign to make sure you’re not gaslighting people yourself. Not saying you are. I have no idea. But what we put out there does tend to come back to us. Make sure you’re clear here.
My bad experiences with men started at the age of 6 years old…. I’ve been taken advantage of them my whole life which is why my practicing boundaries has become so important to me.
It sounds like you’re realizing, you need to morph your lines now (Saturn in Pisces). You definitely sound capable of defending yourself. Mission accomplished. Enter next phase.
I fear that I will exhaust my deep source of love and affection on someone “not worthy”. I recognize this may not be the right state of mind, bc the only way to find out is to “f*ck” around (not literally lol). It’s just, my boundaries turned into road blocks…
Exhaust your deep source of love and affection on someone “not worthy”…
Why would you do that? This is a fear. It is not real. You’re way too smart to invest and then keep investing in a loser. Can you rip this page from your personal. “Book Of Love”, completely? You can trust yourself!
Thankfully, I have recently had the opportunity to rent a tiny space behind my parents that’s affordable.. I just don’t desire to be here long-term. In the meantime, I will save save save my money in hopes it can bring me closer to buying a home one day (that I can’t afford on my own lol)
Good! You have your immediate problems solved and ambition to improve… everything. This makes you a viable partner.
Right now, today, if you can partner with someone with similar qualities, your life will kick into a much higher gear. You’d take off like a plane. I hope you feel me.
I crave and long for a genuine love connection, but have to figure out how to ease my guard so that I can allow what I feel ready for into my life. I’ve never been one to couple-up for money, that just ain’t my shtick. But I’m always left to wonder…. just where are the real fellas at?? Seems to be a fleeting thing in my generation…
Where are all the fellas at? I agree this is a challenge but this is also the key. You’re looking at limited availability and have become discouraged and maybe even demoralized over it. There are other choices!
This came up in a consultation recently – my client was sort of shocked, but laughing. Her response informed me, people don’t think like this, but by God, you may want to start!
I told this gal about my “ideal man” when I was 20 years old or so. Man with a truck, with an ATV in the bed, or on a trailer. Okay… Mars conjunct Mercury in Libra. It was when I said I used to drive around town, trolling parking lots, looking for this vehicle of my dreams, the client started laughing.
I wanted this so I went to look for it and when I saw the truck with the dirt bike, I went into the business, to artfully and charismatically, collide with this person driving the truck. I felt, I would be able to id them and in fact I could. Yes! I would walk right up to a man, ‘Is that your truck out there with the three-wheeler..?”
Point here is if there are just a few men, why aren’t you out there getting one of them? While you’re at home, afraid, women like me are out there, snapping up the good ones, believe me. You compete for a job but not a man? It’s illogical!
This just occurred to me. Part of this might come from the smaller family size. When you grow up with a number of siblings, you have to compete. The food is put on the table and it’s “Father, Son, Holy Ghost; Whoever’s Fastest Gets The Most!”
Compare this mindset to your current view on things. You already know how to get what you want. Do you want a man? If yes, then FOCUS and get it done, because you are ready NOW.
You don’t need Sleeping Beauty kiss to wake you up. No more sad trombone! Get out there and find someone who makes your heart pound!
Please share this post with anyone it might help. We need a revolution here! Latin: revolutio, (a turn around’). URANUS IN TAURUS
Good advice! I would add, believe in yourself, and improve yourself while making contacts..volunteer, take night courses, etc…In my experience, both the good men and the good women are usually in someone else’s orbit..but if it’s love (or at least serious affection), and he thinks you are worthy, you can shift that orbit in your direction…And do not quit!
Hell yea, Elsa! This is the reason why I come to your blog– your thoughts/insights are real, raw and tangible to the reader.
A lot of your response resonated with how I think, others, I can totally pick up what you’re throwing down. As we would say in an old kitchen job, “heard!”
Appreciate you continuously taking the time on this site to stretch your antennae’s to the people– potent stuff
I hope this can help someone else too, it’s a well encouraging message.
Recently, I’ve had my eyes sight set on a prize. Been letting it slide between my fingertips because I feel like I’m not good enough… Yikess
I seriously have to try to make more stride before he gets swiped by Swiper, the unknown potential Foxy Lady!
Good! Definitely ditch the “not good enough” bs, because it’s bs.
Read this for inspiration. I’m about 30, my friend is 27. It’s possible to stop worrying and start having fun. The men want to connect too. Don’t forget this!!
https://elsaelsa.com/shack-man/
Thank you Elsa…I needed that too!
You’re welcome! I think a key factor here, is connecting with your innate instinct – that which is authentic to you, while setting aside narratives from other sources.
“Actual love, flows. It’s unstoppable”
That is bedrock truth, in my experience. Even if the time, the curcumstances, the readiness of the other person to meet you, might be off. The key, I think, is to be real & be realistic (yay, Saturn!!!)
Love freely, set your own boundaries, don’t abandon your own life, joys, goals– there may be pain if this one doesnt work out, but you will grow bigger emotionally. And that attracts others to you
Someone told me, “Fear is, ‘what if?’ — Faith is ‘even if…'”
This whole post is WONDERFUL!!! The part I like best that is perfectly said, “Love is fluid”. YES! It grows, it expands, it flows into and thru the lock and blocks that we put up. This is something I have to work on remembering and then remembering not to talk myself out of seeing it/appreciating it.
You knock that one out of the part Elsa!!!!
Thank you. 🙂
I have strong feelings about this!
This is such great advice.
I pondered my own chart + e.g. asteroid Juno some years ago, because I was sick and tired of men I wanted to receive a ring from but didn’t get one from.
So,with Juno in 12th house/Capricorn, square my Libra Moon I could suddenly see the issues in regards to commitments.
I had all the time relied on THEM to do the heavy stuff: house, ring, money etc. To become a partner I had to get up from the couch and set some pretty solid goals, and make sure I was a solid investment myself.
I realized that *I* had to be the committed one. Not necessarily to men – but to my own life, to the need for a ring, for example.
So? I went out and bought my bloody diamond ring!
And it. was. exhilarating!
I even bought a type of ring that let me swap it to a bigger one if I wanted to within a couple of years, and then just paying the difference.
I got to a place in my life where the money was obtainable and my income was relatively stable. I started to save up to buy my own apartment , to get solid. I worked on therapy, solidly, every week, for 1 year.
And suddenly He was right in front of me. The RIGHT man, because I was the right woman for ME. And suddenly others saw it too.
I don’t say you have to do the same as me. But if one want a committed partner, they need to be this to themselves first, before they invite others to the table. If you don’t know the energy of commitment, how will you even see it in others you think have partner potential??!
That’s my huge lesson from being with noncommittal partners for almost 15-20 years….
It’s a numbers game. The more people you meet and offer yourself to as a potential romantic partner, the higher the odds. Simple as that.
“Where are all the men?” Males, those possessing the Y chromosome, make up 50.4% of the entire population on the planet Earth. They aren’t hiding from you.
I think you need to define your terms. You don’t mean “men.”
Instead, you mean males to whom you’ve applied a litany of qualifying traits. Overwhelmingly it is the case that women possess a long list of qualifiers to assess potential mates – intellect, emotional maturity, agreeable personality, social and economic status, religious inclination, political affiliation, preferred hobbies, pets, inclination toward commitment and family (children), physical attractiveness, and outward indicators of wealth or influence. This list goes on! Some women reporting mate preferences that number in the hundreds. And perhaps that’s fine. A woman should be selective.
It might also help to explore what men want. “Men have preferences?!!” Yes, they do. In fact, men’s preferences for mating are just as rational, and far fewer than women. Men seek female traits of physical attractiveness, agreeable personality, and a desire for family (children).
Among mammals, attractiveness is an indicator of the woman’s relative health and likeliness of producing healthy children. An agreeable personality indicates femininity, meaning not only less vitriolic arguments, but also that the woman will allow the man to lead in the relationship. A woman’s desire for family often indicates that she is willing to play the traditional role of wife and mother, allowing the man to lead the family as provider and protector.
Are you physically attractive? Biological females reach peak childbearing years between the ages of 16 and 26. By age 36, women are far less likely to conceive a child, and if they do, the child is more likely to suffer various physical problems. This is why men who want children of their own tend to be attracted to younger women. It’s just biology.
Are you agreeable? If you are a modern woman who must put her career first – because she cannot trust anyone to take care of her – well, you’ll find that men generally agree with you on that point. You CAN take care of yourself! And men prefer you do exactly that. On your own.
Do you really want a traditional man to provide the “containment” for you to be a wife and mother? Really? Because lots of women say they do…but the evidence suggest that 70% of women really don’t want this at all. In fact, they won’t stand for it. These women divorce.
Good news. There are literally BILLIONS of men on this planet! Bad news (potentially). Good men have preferences, too.