Why Stay Attached To Someone Who Rejects You?

XV asked on Do You Ignore Rejection:

“What could explain getting attached to someone who keeps rejecting you?”

I’m not sure there is one answer. My first thought was that the person my be a glutton for punishment.  “Gluttony” makes me think of Jupiter and inflation in general.  So that’s one explanation. The person my be so overconfident, they can’t believe they’d be unwanted.

Another person might be high on Neptune. They fantasize a relationship and believe they can make what exists in their imagination exist in real life.  This also seems a type of inflation. Their fantasy trumps the other person’s reality.

I can think of other scenarios that are more Plutonian. The attached person plays out some kind of psychodrama where they cast the other person on the role of a rejecting parent, or something of that nature.

Last, a person may enjoy the challenge. They persist in hopes of conquering the other person.

Does anyone else have ideas?

29 thoughts on “Why Stay Attached To Someone Who Rejects You?”

  1. Those were all good points, Elsa. My FB comment about “The Friendship Zone” came to me when my so-called former partner moved out. Well, if she moved out, then why does she keep coming around so much? The other day she asked me to help her take her car to a mechanic. She told even told the female receptionist at the shop that our relationship was “over and done.” Really? Is that how you feel? I even pointed this pattern of behavior out to her the other day. Apparently her dog “misses me” as she does not have a fenced-in backyard at her apartment. I can see being friends still, but this is ridiculous! And I do have Neptune in Libra, so that explains a lot, too! “I’m in love with a beautiful girl, and she sets my heart in a whirl…”

  2. IF rejection involves some type of abuse (mistreatment, verbal abuse etc), The Stockholm Syndrome is a condition being developed, in some cases, usually by women, as a coping mechanism. Forming emotional attachment to the attacker/rejector is a way of the ego to defend itself. When a victim shares values or an emotional bond ​with the rejector, the rejector ceases to be perceived as a threat to the ego.

  3. As someone who stayed attached to someone for about 10 years, I wonder about the flip side. Why would someone string a person along when they have no intention of committing to them? Perhaps some of the same reasons listed above.

    Although the guy silently rejected me for years, and eventually made it crystal clear that he would never want a relationship with me, he was very attracted to me and did play games with me. We got hot and heavy a few times, but never had sex. (I barely remember the instances – he’s now happily married and I am engaged.) Our synastry involved a lot of fire and the dynamic was pretty intense. I think the psychodrama, the quest, and the fantasy were shared by both of us, in two completely conflicting stories.

    There must be some Venus-Pluto contacts happening for me now, because I got over the guy 6 years ago, and he STILL popped up in my dream the other night. I’m not sure why, and I really don’t care who faulted who anymore, I’m just glad it’s over and we have both found what we want/need.

    1. It takes two to tango in this case too. I have been in the position of the one who didn’t step away from a friendship when the other part started falling in love and I knew I would never return the feelings. I have paid a high emotional and spiritual cost for this when I realized it. To my defence, I would say, that sometimes, it’s the circumstances that put us in a co-dependency relationship, and our ignorance too. In my case, the friendship started at an extremely low point of my life, no job, no support, emotionally damaged and traumatized, and while I do blame myself for not getting out of contact with him, this doesn’t take away his responsibility towards himself either. He knew he had a vulnerable woman there and he made every possible effort to help and support her, hopping to get closer. When I started to get back on my feet and still not becoming closer, he became mad at me, verbally abused attacked and abused me. As I perceived it emotionally, he betrayed my trust and friendship and I took all the blame nevertheless. Not to be misunderstood, I believe you have to keep a distance or even completely stay out of touch if you can’t reciprocate the feelings. It was a huge mistake of mine and came at a great cost.

      1. This man I’m talking about on my reply to CocoPeaches, has a Venus-Neptune opposition on his chart. I have a Venus-Uranus opposition. Sometimes I behave friendly with men and in a light hearted manner and give a wrong impression. I feel I can have male friends, it’s fine with me, I like their company a lot, but they always seem to have second thoughts about the relationship. I feel, after this, I will never – ever get myself close to a male friend. Women friends only.

  4. I too think of Neptune and Pluto in this regards.
    I have Venus in 8th with Jupiter. a Strong Pluto aspected to sun, merc venus neptune. And neptune square my venus. I get “obsessed” when I’m in “love”. And I fall in love with people that is impossible in one way or other.

    I wouldn’t say I cling on if I get rejected, because it has never gone so far. I get a “crush” only if the person reciprocates. If not then I will cool off.
    If the person reciprocates, in my mind I’m in a relationship with that person. It will consume me and make function very badly….

  5. I’m Venus square Pluto and if I got attached to another person then they would have a Venus-Pluto signature as well….pure absolute karmic obsession running on both ends long after the union has died.

  6. I’d like to point to just certain markers in ones own chart (Saturn-Moon/Venus, Neptune-Venus, etc) but synastry plays a part as well. Especially with house placements.

    One person could have their Venus in the other’s 12th house so the Venus could be romantically attached to the House person from a distance “in love unconditionally” in 12th House and the House person may not have any romantic feelings whatsoever, viewing the Venus as a just an acquaintance or worse, as a stalker. ?

    1. Primrose 🙂 Οh my God, I never thought of this Venus of person A falling in the 12H of person B! The person I described above really has his Venus in my 12H. And yes, this started with me having real appreciation and a spiritual bond with him but I ended up feeling as I constantly had a pair of eyes watching over me. Creppy. Not to mention I have this Venus-Uranus on 5th-11th. I literally freak out with this kind of stuff. Let me breath, I need some air 🙂

  7. yes l think all 3 are on point l have them all in aspect so it sounds a bit familiar. If the rejection is straight l can have it, it will still hurt but l will deal with it! If the people reject me in a evasive way…l am not so down with it. l was rejected now by this person but because of the fact that he did it so strange by just dropping it out of the blue with no explanation l can not work with it (easy)! l can not understand it and that makes it hard to deal with. l have Aries Mars 8th house and l will enjoy the challenge of getting someone back. OK sure reject me but tell it straight and if possible also the why and stick to it don’t bounce back! This is the only way to do it for me. l will have to accept and respect the others wishes. l have been rejected many times by people l can handle it if done the normal way 🙂

  8. another thing l have is l try to bypass it by accepting the rejection ans remaining friends with the person (sure if we have anything in common). Some of my best friends l had a crush on in the very beginning we are now 17 years later still friends! l would say that is also Jupiter /Pluto (l have Jupiter conjucnt Sun, Pluto trine Sun)
    Pluto in Libra 🙂 Libra NN

  9. Hi Elsa, what an honor 😀
    In my case I had a very clear view of the far-less-then-ideal nature of the person I had a crush on (let’s be real, still have). At the same time I had the most intense compulsive overpowering emotions of my life that made me communicate further. I usually don’t chase attached women (she moved on real quick after a short period with me) nor do I consider them prizes to be won. I’m more of a spending-time-together-leads-to-relationship kind of guy (Libra stellium). I do have 7th house Neptune trine Leo Sun and sextile Libra Pluto. But I also know how to walk away from a relationship (or lack thereof) except this one. In my perception the intensity is connected to the Scorpio Asc lady and noone else… and I had no choice but to endure it while we were still frequenting the same social circles. As for being a glutton for punishment, I know how to endure pain and apparently rejection when it is necessary, but I do not pursue it as a hobby. For me it was a situation of enduring a superior emotional force.

  10. Insecurity, I would think, along with believing they don’t deserve better or fear of being alone. I’ve lived all of those and while rationally it’s insane, a person gets stuck in a worldview where they always come in second or last.

  11. they most likely desire this person above all else and probably think, if i can’t have him/her i might as well have her hate? i know it sounds messed up, so yes, gluttony and being a masochist. Makes me remember that film, Silence of the Lambs, and how even psycho deraged killers want to possess something that does not belong to them (like taking the skins of people) or possessing someone who has traits /body everything that they can’t have; someone who is not loving themselves and cannot accept their mirror?

  12. It’s a great way of staying alone (or at least without said relationship). It’s like being attracted to those who are unavailable (emotionally, physically, both).

  13. Fear. Rejection seems so overwhelming. No skill in how to handle the let down. Being able to take it well I see as a sign of knowing ones mind and how to get out of the clutches if guilt and shame. So sad if the illusion is played out.

  14. Greek mythology describes it this way:
    The beautiful river nymph, Daphne (meaning laurel) was the Sun god Apollo’s first love. Apollo, thought to be the second most powerful of the Olympian gods, had been making fun of the young god Eros (son of Aphrodite) and bragging about how very weak and puny little Eros was.

    To show the powerful Greek god Apollo (the god of rationality), a thing or two… the god Eros struck Apollo with one of his (Eros’s) gold-tipped arrows. When struck by the gold-tipped arrow, Apollo was immediately inflamed with irrational desire and love for the lovely river nymph, Daphne. HOWEVER, at the same time, Eros struck Daphne with his lead tipped arrow of disgust and repulsion.

    Thus… the more ardently Apollo pursued Daphne – the more she (Daphne) became repulsed by Apollo. Apollo relentlessly pursued Daphne across the face of the earth, and he would not (could not) give up.

    Finally – Daphne, herself exhausted and terrified, cried out to Mother Earth for help. Mother Earth then transformed the river nymph, Daphne, into a laurel tree.

  15. Another scenario is fear of abandonment. Relationship dysfunction is preferable to being alone. This one is a deep one usually grounded in parental neglect and abandonment and personality that thinks it can “fix” relationships.

  16. There is so much to say about this. I recently started a writing called You Weren’t Listening. I wonder if it should be called, You Listened and Moved Ahead Anyway.
    I don’t get my personal astrology enough to know why this is but it happened to me three very significant times. I had a friend of 40+ years, when we met, she said, “I am not really looking for girlfriends. I had a really bad experience in the college dorms.” My response, is it my Cap rising? I said, “I will wait.” And I did. It all worked as long as I did the accommodating then when I didn’t anymore, it came apart. Then I had a supervisor who wished I had picked her, not the location. That’s a long story but the upshot was me again, doing a lot of accommodating, starting with reassuring her that I wanted to work with HER. Finally, we had a really bad falling out. Then my ex, after dating some months, and going away for a weekend, said, “I think you love me more than I love you.” and my response was, “Well that is your loss.” Now that sounds smart, but really? We got married, against my best judgment, had two kids, both suffered through our marriage and divorced 20 some years later.
    This all can fill me with lots of regrets, which I am already prone to. But it is truths that I have to deal with.
    Scorpio sun, Taurus moon, Cap rising

  17. Wow ! This got me thinking,its a bit complex.I have north node ,Rahu which is according to vedic astrology,a headless, lustful being, never satisfied and obsessive.
    If the nodes of each other are strongly attached,it may create an obsessive type of infatuation.
    Even though I knew the person was not available,it didn’t matter.
    We lived in different Countries,and it was still an intense relationship for both.
    I only did the synastry After coming on your website.
    And when I did ours it kinda blew my mind!
    There were many EXACT degrees of planets, conjunction and trines.
    Almost Fated.
    With only one square.
    Mars Pluto ,fatal attraction.
    It went on for years.
    Also had amazing level of telepathy.

    I actually feel attracted to rejection.
    I don’t know if its some kind of emotional past ,my Father was emotionally cold and never appreciated me , until much later in life.
    That maybe wanting to “win” the person and keep trying…i m assuming here.
    But I think its actually ,a bit more than that.
    As i have Always walked away from dysfunctional relationship s,”EXCEPT” this one…
    But he kept me hanging on,and didn’t want to disconnect.He was always polite ,and never retaliated to my anger or sarcasm
    I have to thank you,for the STEP AWAY from the Corpses.!!
    Ting !
    A bell went off .
    Instantly dropped said Corpse.
    Easy peasy.

  18. It’s all those things, really. I think it’s also a control issue.

    To take another view on confidence and Neptune and also Saturn: the internalized belief that one doesn’t deserve love or isn’t capable of recieving or giving it, therefore projecting and enacting a self-fulfilling prophecy. if I believe I am unlovable, I will attract people who reflect this back to me. It’s masochism as only a Pisces Venus can do!

  19. With Jupiter conj my Sag Moon and Pisces rising you bet I’m slow to read the writing on the wall! Even a Gem Sun can’t prevent me from holding on too long, in love mostly but sometimes just friendship wise.

  20. Or the person has never experienced acceptance and support and rejection is normal. Don’t feel bad for the person, it’s just their life, all they know.

  21. “The person may be a glutton for punishment.” Wow that couldn’t be worded better. I have my 13-degree Capricorn Moon conjunct my 15-degree Capricorn Jupiter in my 7th house, Neptune hanging in there at 24-degrees Capricorn (all squaring my Venus & Chiron conjunction). I also have Pluto within 10 degrees of my Sun. I stay attached to people for years, the more the rejection hurt, the longer I stay attached. Almost as though I was using the rejection as validation to feel unworthy and to feed my own self-hatred, I’ve been healing and working on this, but it’s a journey.

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