Are You Hiding Something Critical From Your Partner?

With Venus square Neptune, I have obscured extremely important information from my partner(s) at various times in my life.  Denial is part and parcel of this behavior and occurs in any number of ways.

I have finally learned not to do this.  It may be because I am with a man who truly loves me, and can handle the truth and deal with reality, but I don’t know. I think if I were out there being rejected and rejected and rejected, I might go right back to my old tricks because I don’t like to be alone.

In my case this can be as innocuous as playing dumb or it can be a lot more deceitful, like leaving out huge chunks of information I fear might get me rejected but that a person you’re dating seriously would want to know.

I did not marry my husband when we were young because I was obscuring things. It was safer for me to tell him I would not marry him because “Tucson is an Estes home town”, (exact  quote) then to tell him what the problem was.  I could not even imagine dropping the veil at that time, it was unthinkable.

I bring this up  because I think it’s pretty common and no one talks about it of course.

Are you hiding something critical from your partner?  If so, why?

39 thoughts on “Are You Hiding Something Critical From Your Partner?”

  1. I’m thinking my partner WISHES I would hide more sometimes. LOL. But, no, I don’t. He gets the full filth along with the good stuff. But, I have been there, for sure.

  2. Ok, sorry for the negative Nancy here today, and the tone of my rant. So you mean something critical like the fact I have come to realize my partner is not the one for me, and I can’t stand him?

    That my Aqua moon is tired of being held back, beaten down mentally and emotionally, and being told what to do all the time? Critical, in the fact that all I dream about lately is freedom from him, and wanting to go back to being a single mother again when I was much happier before he came along? Yep,I am there!

    Pluto is transisting my 1st house at the moment, I am changing. I am realizing my “giva shit”is busted, and am tired of taking peoples’ crap.

    When do I plan on telling him? I am not sure. The reason being is because he really does not care, he will just turn around and blame me as always for our issues. He takes no responsibility for anything in our relationship. So I might as well just finish getting ready to go, because nothing changes with him.

    I think it is time to order a composit report Elsa!

  3. Wow, I have a lot to say on this, but I don’t know where to start or how to explain it. The “too long; did not read” version is “yes”.

    It’s just a matter of me not feeling comfortable being who I am. I think we’re different enough (and I hate the bickering and arguing enough) that I don’t fully share myself with him. I feel like being who I am causes more problems than not and I’d prefer to keep “me” under my hat than swim upstream through the rapids, so to speak. I’d rather keep the peace and fight over the really critical boundaries.

    People are inherently certain ways – some people are naturally givers, without thinking about doing it, and some people are naturally takers, without thinking about doing it. There is no wrong/right to this, I don’t think, it’s human nature. My partner is a taker. Certain things just don’t occur to him in terms of compromise and consideration to others and I just get to the point where I’d rather hide things before they get smashed and/or dismissed.

    He’s not a bad person. I’ve come to this conclusion. It’s just that he’s set in his ways and I’m set in my ways and sometimes it’s easier for me to just play the smoke and mirrors game.

  4. Also – wow, Nancy. I could have written that with only minor changes. Except I’m not as bitter as I used to be about it, I don’t think, but I very much went “Huh. Maybe that’s exactly what I meant to say”.

    I go back and forth, honestly. It’s gotten better since he and I had a “come to Jesus” talk not too long ago.

  5. Nancy – May all your plans to leave go smoothly. I’m just out of a nightmare marriage myself with three kids, the youngest handicapped.

    All I can say on this topic is that I am always honest, open and up-front. So far, that has not worked for me because I’ve been with the wrong guys. I say, third time is the charm!

  6. Just wondering about how does one deal when it’s one’s partner who’s got the square? If you ask them to be upfront, you can’t know if they are….

  7. Yep I do. I leave out certain information about my behavior that I know he will disagree with.. so that I can continue that behavior. For example, he thinks i quit smoking. Aarghh :/

  8. I’m with Luci, when I entered my relationship I wasn’t comfortable with who I was and I didn’t think we would be together for 5 years.. so I didn’t feel the need to air out (ALL) my dirty laundry since I once told a partner my secrets and he used it against me..

    Now there is something that my bf doesn’t know that I would like to tell him but am afraid of his reaction since I with held something once before and didn’t tell him until I ABSOLUTELY HAD to..

  9. Well, yes. But isn’t that totally normal? Heeee…….just kidding…kind of.

    I am way better this time around in relationship, helps I’m with someone who doesn’t pick at me until I bleed. I’m wired to shield myself from the attack and this has been a hard row to hoe but I’m getting there.

    Recently I was being eaten up inside by an old love dalliance (with a bad person). Leo mused aloud if he should hire that person to do some work and I blurted out “I hate that guy.”

    I was ready to finally bust out the truth but he hurriedly answered “You don’t have to explain” and then “No, you REALLY don’t have to explain.”

    So…hidden no longer. I guess! ::scratches head:::

  10. We’re talking, over a decade ago…so I was unsure of the point in bringing it up but also felt bad about the hidden stuff. We are so close and the communication has been so open it was creating some guilt. I have to remind myself that a person with his Scorpio is going to have secrets, too, and he accepts that I do.

    We are in the process of merging lives and he was acting strangely. Then he asked me if he was supposed to throw out old love letters if he moved in. I told him I didn’t think so and it was his decision. Then he asked me if I wanted to read them (!) Uh…NO. sheesh. Ha ha ha.

  11. I’m where Nancy is about 10 yrs. ago. With 3 small children and no job, I was a walking cliche with no way out and only myself to blame for the circumstances *shakes head and sighs*.

    Fast forward to today and I’ve found to cope I will shut down certain areas of myself. Not exactly sure why, but it just feels safer. No one around me knows (save 2 friends) what I have been dealing with (he’s a damaged Virgo from childhood trauma who never faced it). Tried therapy – he tricked them all..I gave up. I probably dip into the bottle way too much these last 10 yrs., but at least I don’t get picked and criticized at – if I do, I don’t care at that point…

    So, like Nancy, I’m having huge transits (for the last 2 yrs.) and Uranus is urging me to figure another coping mechanism because this one ain’t working…wish I could sprout feathers and fly away..

    (..sorry for the rant everyone)

  12. AriesSun do you have 12th House planets? Or aspects to the planet on the cusp of the 12th (its ruler?) Or are the transits aspecting your 12th House/ruler?

    I’m re-reading Tracy Marks’ book on the 12th House currently and this phenomena is explored in the book:

    “Fast forward to today and I’ve found to cope I will shut down certain areas of myself. Not exactly sure why, but it just feels safer.”

    I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable. Uranus, man. What a clacker.

  13. Ugh. I could write a book…
    It’s not that I hide critical information exactly…[STOP]. Yes it is. It is that exactly.

    Okay. Knowing how lame this sounds:
    Background/history of 1) being left high and dry if I’m too much trouble and/or 2) being expected to fix ‘my own’ problems in addition to any of our partner problems. <–and taking big heat/constant armchair quarterbacking meanwhile…

    Add in a hefty dose of being raised up that some amount of subterfuge (especially regarding finances or 'embarrassing' incidents) was considered business as usual and a necessary life skill…

    I find that I do not out and out *hide* critical issues from my partner, but instead, I offer up a Cliff Notes version and tell him, "I'm working on it–I'll figure it out", etc. However, when/if things reach a point where he is likely to be impacted directly, I do offer it up and pull back the curtain so we can–he can make informed decisions.

    I'll chagrinedly admit too, that I feel perversely justified in this approach (though clearly not really comfortable with it). He, for his part, appears to often prefer my Cliff Notes, and frankly, has his own lengthy menu of obfuscation and avoidance that is deeply ingrained and drives me/us up a tree. 😛

    Behind it, on both parts, its easy to point to the issues around control and image and fear…Sure, there's got to be a better way, but what that way is is very much a 'work in progress'.

    Ut-oh…I can feel my 'erase & run' trigger finger getting super itchy, so am hitting 'send' now!

  14. @ luci- my husband is a taker also. I think I am so bitter at the moment is because he will talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Up until now, I have been nothing but upfront and honest with this man from day 1, of who I am, because to me it is the only way to be. I have warned him more then once.

    @ Isernia- yep this is my 2nd also, LOL,I am not sure if I want a 3rd at this point. Unless it takes 2 lessons before I can get it right, I guess time will tell.

    @ AriesSun-“he’s a damaged Virgo from childhood trauma who never faced it” LOL, How did you know that is my husband! (seriously!)”Tried therapy”-yep, but once my husband got unconfortable and realized he can’t manipulate, he quit, because according to him, he is “perfect”. I guess you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make them drink! So knowing that, my solution is to leave them there to dehydrate, not much else one can do!

    So Sorry for the negative Nancy today guys,But thank you sooo much for the relating!

  15. “I think if I were out there being rejected and rejected and rejected, I might go right back to my old tricks because I don’t like to be alone.”

    You know, that sums it up. Every time someone has had A Problem in the relationship, the relationship was. Period. Nothing was solved with communication or compromise. So yeah, if the choice was “be honest and break up immediately” or “cover up my feelings and make the relationship last longer and hope I get over it or they do,” then damn right I’d pick #2. I think Elsa has a point in saying that you can tell the truth if you are sure the person will stay, but if you’re not? Hell no.

    When one ex said he needed more space, the relationship would have ended immediately had I outright said that I wasn’t okay with that. I felt rejected like hell all the time when on his “space” nights he was hanging out with our entire social circle except for me, for example. I was TOTALLY BUTTHURT to the point of unreasonability and was ashamed of myself. But what good would that have done to Talk It Out? It didn’t make his need for space go away and it wouldn’t have made me less clingy. It only would make him feel shittier and want to dump me more. So, yeah. I unfortunately was not the best actress at sucking it up, but at least I tried instead of being honest and whiny and lame and loser-y to his face about my shitty feelings.

    I don’t know what I’d do these days if I dated again.

  16. Though mine is Neptune/ASC opp Venus, I’ve had these issues play out in my own life. In fact, I would say a major theme of my Saturn return a few years back was learning to be fully honest in love. Dishonesty with myself, in the interest in maintaining a relationship then manifested into purposeful lying to the other. It took the fallout from hurting my partner to wake-up and see all the trouble denial had caused us. Eventually, I learned my partner was lying to me all along, and the cold reality was that everything was an illusion. Landshark, indeed.

  17. Im not by nature, very secretive. I try to tell people the things I know are significant, that they need to know. My bf doesn’t want to know these things though. It’d make my life a living hell to tell him what I really think. I did once and it was truly horrible. I was shunned for acting on my feelings, ignored when I communicated my needs. And note just by him, by everyone. So I don’t what to do. It just sucks. I was up front with him from day one. I told him I didnt like commitment before we even got together. So why am I the guilty one?

  18. So definitely no, I am not hiding anything. I’ve put it all out there but maintaining the status quo is.. Uncomfortable for some reason..It’s like my truth didn’t register for him.

  19. Natal venus square neptune by 5 degrees, joining. What the heck is it they-you want to know anyway? If I tell ya how I feel, you won’t get it and/or won’t like it. The likely response is why am I bothering you with it. Some get outright hostile at me and play silly vengence games if I’m honest. So I guess you have to get to know me to know me.

    i get venus square neptune from the receiving end. I have been way too naive and trusting. Taking things at face value which is tricky in itself with neptune. Oh yeah, and some folks think I always got somethin up my sleeve, but taint so. I’m just really dry and boring (I’m not sure what aspect that’s like).

  20. I developed an allergy to B.S. when Pluto entered my first house. :O

    As for the Venus-Neptune stuff…Is it possible that the PARTNER withholds critical info at times? Like the fact that once upon a time, they slept with a relative, or they’re wanted for grand theft in another state, or whatever. Just sayin’.

  21. “As for the Venus-Neptune stuff…Is it possible that the PARTNER withholds critical info at times?”

    Of course! This was just a post on this particular thing that crossed my mind. 🙂

    There is no way to be concise and comprehensive when it comes to astrology – especially when we’re talking about Neptune.:)

    I did write more on this for tomorrow.:)

  22. Oh, man…the things I had to hide from The Evangelist. How can anyone live this way? He hated the way I ate, so I hid it, he was against alcohol so if I had a drink I never mentioned it. He believed astrology was from Satan, he was adamantly opposed to all my political decisions, deeply critical of my relationship with my son. I even got a lecture once about how I put things away inside dresser drawers. I had to basically *not be me* to survive in that relationship, and it really damaged my psyche and self-esteem. He was my spouse — if I couldn’t talk about it with him I really couldn’t talk about it with anyone.

    I would have to have all these secret conversations with people I thought would understand a little bit. It really makes you crazy, knowing who you are is absolutely unwelcome in your own world.

    It makes me sad now. Actually it fills me with equal parts rage and grief. And here’s the really crazy part – he’s the one with like a million neptune contacts. I can’t imagine the depths of denial that guys walks around in.

  23. Not in a relationship so nothing to hide but yesterday hung out with a fellow I know is in an open relationship. I had a crush on him for year before we met again only to get the disappointing news. I told him that while I respect his situation, it’s not something I can really get down with. We decided to hang on a platonic basis. So yesterday I called his house (where he lives with his gf) to make sure he was coming to pick me up (he asked me to). We hung out and everything was cool…a little awkward but mostly fine. Several hours after we parted ways I receive a phone call…I don’t have his number saved so I answered it right away (something I almost never do). It was his girlfriend. Who proceeded to grill me about who I am and what our relationship is…So I want to know if they’re in an open relationship, why is the gf acting crazy? It’s been my experience that a partner only acts like that when they’ve been given a reason to and it’s never been dealt with. Anyway, not quite sure what to do about the dude. Nothing has happened between us and now nothing ever will but I do think he’s really interesting and cool.

  24. Nancy, you blew my mind as I read your story, I too have pluto conjunct my ascendant as we speak, I just walked out of a 15 year old marriage to the same man you are still with. I was soooo mentally exhausted that I left the house to him and just took my son and whatever I could get into a uhaul in one hit. I even left my dogs and cat behind.
    I must say that after suffering with diarreah for over 10 years, this is the first tim since I left, which was a week ago that its finally solid. I cannot beleive how my confidence is already returning after so little time away. What a relief and its finally peaceful.

  25. @Kashmiri – I have Neptune in Scorpio in the 12th and it squares Saturn. Yeah, Uranus is screaming at Virgo hubby has 4 planets in Leo (including the moon and Jupiter) so NO ONE sees any of this except me. It is funny and sad at the same time..

    @Nancy – OMG! I would have never guessed you had the same issue. Again, with my hubby having so many planets in Leo, he KNEW he could charm the Hell out of the therapists – he won *shakes head*.
    I wish I could reach out and hug you – unfortunately, we both would end up in a puddle of tears.

    On another note: This behavior did not manifest until my children were born. Hubby had to make the “perfect home” that he never had – damn the normal and my feelings/input.

    @eva – I want to give you as much Love and Support that I can. Your situation sounds intense – way more so than what I ever could imagine. So sorry that I don’t know where this relationship is in your Life, but let me know (via Elsa mail), and I will send you healing energy no matter what. God Bless Lady!

  26. @Amantha – you have my utmost respect Lady.. I applaud you for being so brave.

    I hope you land on your feet and make a Beautiful Life for yourself and your son!

  27. @Nancy.some people won’t change and life isn’t worth trying to persist with these people. I say if you are not appreciated, then you don’t need to compromise who you are. Leave. You be the one in charge of your life.

  28. I have a secret I haven’t told anyone (stress: anyone) about, ever. And I never will — I have Pluto. 😉
    It’s kind-of a dark secret, but it doesn’t impact anyone except me and the other person involved. I feel no urge to bring it to light.

    Other than that one secret, though, I’m pretty much an open book. I may not be immediately forthcoming (like I said, I have PLUTO), but once you’ve earned my loyalty I’ll spill all over the place.

  29. blue_rose–I have been fooled by many. Are they withholding or am I just blind? I don’t think I had an understanding of what was real and what was not real. This aspect might need to take relationship slowly and pay attention carefully? I tended to rush right in. Mistake.

  30. I don’t have any Venus/Neptune contacts, but I have a tight Moon/Neptune trine. Aries/Sag

    I looked at my bf’s chart, he’s got a Moon/Venus/Neptune conjunction in Sag w/in a couple degrees. He’s also a Scorpio/Scorp rising conj Uranus/Mercury and Sun in the 1st house, in that order.

    I try not to lie to him about things, but I do omit.
    Sometimes I wonder if he knows I’m in love with someone else, and that he was supposed to be my rebound. But it’s been over 3 years and maybe he just doesn’t care because he’s not the type of person to look for a relationship and probably wouldn’t be in one if I hadn’t sought him out.

    Ignorance is bliss and all that.
    He broods and can be sarcastic, but I haven’t seen him whip out the stinger yet. And it makes me nervous because I don’t know what he’s capable of. It was pointed out that his moon/venus in Sag should do a lot to temper all that Scorpio.

    The other dude has a Venus/Neptune trine, like 7*, Aries/Sag and has Venus in the 12th. He recently indicated that perhaps he drinks too much.

  31. oh yeah I know the feeling. this is a very eye opening blog! you feel deep shame about your upbringing. Or where you came from. That kind of thing. (it could be being super poor or from an abusive family or crazy dysfunctional upbringing)

    now that there’s a lot of Hispanics going through the border, trying to survive, and people who dont want them to have a better life, and having problems,
    there’s so much deep shame everywhere.

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