22 thoughts on “Trashing Your Ex: Relationship Karma”

  1. I think this all has to do with truth. If you are upfront with people, give them fair warning (that you aren’t into relationships at the moment) or you are not a monogamous person etc…and the person still walks toward you anyway, then, at that point, what else can you do?

    The problem is I don’t think we have an adequate model to deal with jealously, allow freedom, and embrace our partners as a separate sexual entity. Thus, we get caught up in all these strange partnerships where guilt and jealousy are the main factors disguised as love.

    One of my sexual mentors is a proponent of sex without a victim- or relationships without a victim- something our society would be hard pressed to understand.

  2. Yep, Venus-Saturn. There’s just no other way of looking at it, from my perspective. If all you’re giving is disrespect, disregard and indifference, why would you expect to receive anything other than that?

  3. yeah.

    i walked out on someone and didn’t look back or speak to them for… years. after a little conversation (i couldn’t call it an argument- we never got too openly angry at each other) where he lied to me repeatedly.
    the next year i went from one bad relationship to another between people with those qualities of deception and delusion writ out larger and larger. (my venus/neptune?)
    so i took a break. which was easy because i’d ended up pregnant. (venus/saturn?)

    last year i went back and spent about six months trying to see what was really going on with the original guy. didn’t really understand what i was doing except that i knew i should have tried to talk it out with him the first time around. near the end i started to see the dynamics more clearly and could let go. but i’d spent years carrying around this piece of unfinished business in my head, making myself miserable.

    and, as i mentioned when this topic last came up, it was darn difficult to pin him down to a time to actually say in person that it wasn’t working, and why. but i did.
    _two hours later_ i ran into someone i’d been hoping to know better for awhile, asked them out and… well. i’m learning a lot. 😉

    seems pretty cause and effect to me. weirdly so. it kind of blew my mind.

  4. Joana’s got it right. You keep getting back what you give…and if you treat others disrespectfully it keeps coming back to you till you learn to change. I know of no other arena in life where this is clearer than in relationships – they are such a sensitive gauge of integrity, it really is amazing. There is just no way to cheat this. You have to be a decent person if you want decent relationships.

    SS – I think you are right about honesty. Honesty belongs at the very beginning of any interaction with others. People practice safe sex, why not safe relationships? Got to protect yourself and others from hurt by being honest from the start – even if that means not getting what you want.

  5. I have a near exactly (by one degree) venus trine saturn, and I’ve always tried in any sort of relationship to have integrity and to treat others with respect because that’s how I was brought up to do by my mother and grandmother who have the trine and conjunction respectively at the near exact aspects. I think the difficult thing for me is that I attract people who leave without a thought and who treat people like they’re disposable, while I just can’t bring myself to do so because I know how valuable and rare they are and how you can’t replace people. I think that it’s the fact that I am still young and most people my own age just aren’t quite as serious as I am. But I’d like to keep on being a decent person, because one day it’ll be worth it. Being an authentically decent person is more valuable than gold.

  6. Ana said: “Got to protect yourself and others from hurt by being honest from the start – even if that means not getting what you want.”

    Yes, there is a way to be authentic with others even if you are a “woman of loose morals” who isn’t a traditional Saturn-ey type. I encounter Saturn and I run away. But that’s only because commiment, monogamy, -traditional-anything as no appeal for me.

    But, for a long time, I was unsure of how to be decent person in relationships because the only way I got what I wanted (sex) was through being dishonest- playing the game. Because I thought no-one else would ever understand my need for freedom- I thought it meant I would be alone forever and no one would ever love me.

    I was wrong! Along the path, I have found many other alternative types- where I have distinctly felt “this is my tribe”…and loved, and committed to freedom and truth. And, yeah, sex too.

    A girl can have it all! 🙂


  7. Relationship karma, yes I believe this. I usually stay in relationships well past the point where I know it isn’t going anywhere. Then I stop being honest. I find someone else before I make the break. I should have wrote the above in past tense though, because I have finished acting like that.
    It took a recent breakup to open my eyes. I much prefer to be the one broken up with. It’s cleaner. It impacts the self-esteem less. I’m used to agonizing break-ups, feeling guilty, feeling trapped, trying not to hurt the other person, trying to disengage or send them signals, and feeling frustrated when they still want to be with me after my obnoxious behavior. But being broken up with is a breeze. It hurt my pride, but left my self-esteem intact.

  8. I don’t know that it could be the same for all of the billions of people on this planet. There is definitely a cause/effect thing going on when something begins/ends but it may just depend on the aspects you have. I have pluto/uranus in the 7H so my personal relationships are felt quickly and passionately. As for karma, I have saturn and venus in an out of orb but sign conjunction in gemini so again I find talking is paramount when ending/beginning a relationship. Saturn also touches uranus and mercury…double whammy on that one.

  9. I’m not sure that I agree on this one, that how you end one relationship determines/influences how your next (or all subsequent) relationships are going to go. I think alot of it depends on what’s actually going on in said relationships and what else is hiding deeper underneath that really doesn’t have anything to do with the relationships per se, but influence them sideways.

    For example, it’s been said that we often play out our parents’ relationships (either directly or oppositionally) in our own search for a relationship. A woman who grows up with her mom flitting from man to man might go the same way, or exactly the opposite (holding on/smothering the first person she loves because she’s adamant that she’s not going to make the same mistakes her mom did). In either case, her actions in her relationships have less to do with the relationships themselves than they have to do with that deeper identification with her parent. And until she addresses THAT issue, it keeps popping in sideways in her own relationships.

    I may be off the deep end here, so feel free to slap some sense into me. 🙂

  10. Not necessarily, because we can be working on different strands of karma from different lifetimes, and in one relationship we can be working on say Venus/Saturn but in another our Mars/Neptune. Also the other person’s karma may be dominant in a particular relationship, and you may put aspects of your own karma on hold to help them for a while.

  11. I think breaking up tactics are a maturity issue. For some who are mature, even at a young age, break ups are done respectfully…for others they grow into mature break ups and yet for others they will never grow up to act respectfully in parting company.

  12. I sometimes see people getting confused: whatever was “wrong” with a relationship is externalized with little to no recognition for their own part, so ending one isn’t connected to the next consciously. It can be an act of disssociating with parts of the self you don’t like, as reflected in what happened in the previous relationshiop. Whatever issues you bring to one table are still there at the next table if you don’t take responsibility.

  13. This is probably a silly question, but my cynical side wonders-what does it matter if it’s going to be dealt with in another life? The person will just forget!

    Not saying that I use this as an excuse for myself-I’m also the type to get caught a lot, but some people never do because they just don’t give a shit-don’t you have to give a shit to get caught?

    Sorry if this is a bit cynical,but I don’t see relationship karma-even with friendships-working for everybody in this life, and it’s hard to see the purpose of that. But I agree with you Elsa because in my life I get screwed like I screw others-I just don’t always notice in time. Noticing seems to be an issue with this.

  14. there’s something to be said for truly becoming a friend to someone before you get involved, and to hold to those standards… because if you do, then you won’t jump into a situation where you could make a person feel stepped upon.. you’ll give real love a shot, and if for some reason it doesn’t, you’ll maintain the kindness of at least caring about the other person.

  15. Amen!!!
    Still as relevant now as then, as you said Elsa.
    I wish everyone would act with integrity *sigh* Then world would be a much better place. Honour too!

  16. a couple of weeks after i hooked up with my current live in boyfriend this feeling of intense love came over me. i had many days where i could feel this warmth spreading through my body coming from my heart. i loved him and not just with words, not just with my body or a feeling but i loved him through action. through supporting his dreams. by feeding him beautiful meals. by being honest with myself and sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. he moved in with me and at first he worked on his dreams. so he would hurt me. just little stings and then when he could see i was hurt he would love on me and be so sweet (my relationship before, he would sting me and when i expressed that it wasn’t okay it would get worse.) so i thought this is different and it’s an opportunity to look inside and allow myself to let go of things that hold me back in life. or maybe these guys don’t love themselves? so they need to bring me down so that i’ll stay with them. on their level. maybe i’m afraid. but it seems to me that when we don’t have to work hard for something it has little value. my pattern it seems is to give or rather put into the relationship with the thought that together we can lift each other up. take care of each other. transcend our pain from our past. build something solid and beautiful, with someone we trust will take care of our hearts.
    that’s where i start. now where i end up is now i’m drained. he took and asked for more. and when i asked him to help me with a problem i’m having he said a similar thing as my ex. “i should’t have to do that.” he sleeps a lot, eats a lot, complains when i ask him to do things. gained weight, total opposite of my ex. i’ve asked him to move out and he won’t. everyone that i ask for help tells me to get a restraining order. however because i just won custody after a long hard battle, getting a restraining order will only serve to hurt me. the way things work right now, me taking a legal step to improve my home life would in fact have the opposite effect.
    so right before i got on my computer i was texting a spew of frustrated hateful texts. telling him yet again that he must get out of my life.
    please, if anyone can offer me some insight on what i’m missing i’m open to seeing. i have some glimpses and then wonder if denial is really that strong. i can see it in others so it would make sense that i have it to.
    how can i leave this relationship in a positive way? or could there be a shift in my perception that would alter our dynamics and see this relationship flourish?

    1. I don’t know what to tell you but I think you’re giving a lot more than you’re receiving and need to work on boundaries. If you search Saturn in Libra on the blog you might find some interesting posts. Other people will have more constructive advice. An honest discussion doesnt hurt.

  17. Omg!! I had a guy break up with me via text message at 9:00 one Sunday morning, what a piece of shit thing to do to someone, I had to ponder many things, as there was no way to talk to him, he blocked me, I think it has everything to do with Maturity, some have it others not so much!! I will never understand how some people can emotionally destroy another person and be okay with themselves!!!

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