Dear Elsa,
I was married to a Virgo for 17 years. He was my first love, and he cheated at work. He lied to my face, until I caught him. He thought I should live this way, but I’m not made like that – I made him leave. When the divorce was final, the other woman was pregnant. He felt he should marry her. She also had 3 kids by 3 other men. We do not speak at all.
My question is do men like this ever regret… or continue cheating or what? It’s been five years; I met a wonderful man finally. I was very particular and careful. I just wonder how men feel later after their behavior??? Do they ever change??? Regret??? I would!!!
Wife Betrayed
Dear Wife,
I’m sure some of them do. Some of them, probably not. I know this is distressing but there are a lot of people out there who will avoid looking at their shadow and the pain they cause others at all costs. And why is that?
It’s their defense. There can’t be anything wrong with them. And if you stop and think about this, you will see how severely compromised people like this are.
To me, it’s like trying to be a human being with no heart and both hands tied behind your back (and your eyes in backwards). Good luck! Try again next life, fool!
But seriously, this is all they can do. This is the extent of their capacity and then here comes someone like you and you wind up suffering on top of your suffering waiting for them to regret, repent… cry in the middle of the night or whatever.
Well think about it. The guy can lie to your face, remember? So what’s that tell you about his character?
Fact is, your ex-man is not some powerful man who squashed you. He’s a profoundly compromised human being and your best bet is expect nothing of him. If he turns out to be one of the ones who does have some kind of awakening? Great. But don’t hold your breath, okay?
Arie, was a genius I knew briefly After a stint in Special Forces and 30 years working as a detective, he came to this conclusion: “A reprobate is a reprobate is a reprobate.”
Good luck.
No doubt that cheating is wrong. Period.
However, keep in mind that the act of cheating is often the result of a ‘disconnected’ relationship. Both people are often unaware of how emotionally far apart they have grown-despite the everyday doings. Everyday chores and doings do not a marriage make!!
I do not condone cheating-ever! Though I strongly state that one must conciously stay ‘connected’ to their partner for the intimate health of the relationship.
Each person must take an honest look at themselves to discover what needs addressing. And then-make the necessary changes or cut loose. Cheating masks a bigger issue….it is usually not the root cause of problem.
How does one stay connected to someone who is cut off from his or her own full human essence/experience?
I’m glad to read that the Wife Betrayed did well by applying what she so dearly learned in her new partner. I hope she can realize how well she executed her best defense and that his penalty is living with himself–being him! I hope she never has to deal with his ilk again (sounds too draining).
ah, this was so the balm I needed today.
now I’d like to learn how to spot a reprobate before I get invested.
“To me, it’s like trying to be a human being with no heart and both hands tied behind your back (and your eyes in backwards). Good luck! Try again next life, dumbass!”
elsa, that is just a magical statement. but, far be it for us to judge (smirk, as you would say).
Elsa.. thanks for putting a link to dictionary.com because I had no idea what reprobate meant! And I agree about people not wanting to face their shadow and how compromising it is to themselves. It’s sad. I know someone who is very much like that. Geez…would hate to be his soul having to do it all over again next life and possibly harder.
Some people just want it all and life!!Most animals treat there mates better!!!
Oh yeah how can you recconect with someone while there at work screwing around.Your home holding the fort down?
To fall out of love happens. To cheat while still married is selfish. I dont know the whole circumstance but I think sometimes cheaters look at their spouse as the emotional safety net. I know a number who consistantly cheated on their spouses. They were looking for “the one” that their spouse obviously isnt to them anymore. But stay married just in case the new prospect didnt work out…sort of as an emotional safety net. They are still looking.
Im sure that its been a painful 5 years and Im glad that she has someone wonderful in her life. Shes the lucky one really. She grew and learned to respect her own boundaries. Now shes better off. What did he learn I wonder.