It’s common to see women who have friends who sabotage their relationships. A woman finds a man she likes. Her friends all weigh in to say he’s not good enough for her.
I’m not talking about women in their 20’s. I am talking about women in their 30’s and 40’s and 50’s.
It’s true, a woman can get involved with a man who is not that great. But sometimes the woman’s friend undermines a new relationship with a good man, because she’s afraid the gal will partner and leave her behind.
When two single women are friends and one marries, the other often is left behind. Priorities change. The women might have prowled together. When one of them partners, they lose that connection.
Other times, the friend is left behind, because she can’t or won’t stop bad-mouthing the man that her friend has grown to love.
Women who are fixed (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius) don’t tend to have this problem because no one is going to steer them off a course they choose.
But if a woman has Libra (struggles to decide) or Virgo (tends to worry) or if she is one of the other mutable signs, Gemini, Sagittarius or Pisces, then friends like this can have a enormous effect and it’s not always positive.
Here’s more on this:
Do you have a friend with motivation to keep you single?
Sagittarius Sun/Moon, plus 6th house stellium. Yes, it was a Scorpio, she very fixed and also very cardinal. However, my Venus in Scorpio ( especially venus conjunct pluto ) and Mars in Aries spill over my chart when it comes to matters of the heart. I am quick and intense and ultimately there is no stopping me. That was six years ago and I’m still with the same person.
Thank you! I’ve been around since the beginning of your blog. What makes you think I thought it was about me? Actually I found it intriguing that I was discussing this with my partner earlier this week and you blogged on it. It’s a very real and constant dilemma for women. Matter of fact, I have always had issues with fixed signs trying to manipulate me in one way or another.
It just seemed possible, from how your comment was worded. I decided to post that, just in case. 🙂
Oh ok, either way, it’s about me! 🙂 It’s definitely something that has happened to me, actually three times with the same person.
See, I don’t know who you are. I thought you might have been a client from years ago, who recognized herself. 🙂
I was just talking to a gal about this. She & her gf had been planning a holiday for almost 2 years, They were paid up & ready to go for 6 weeks over Christmas. Her friend bailed because she wanted to spend the holidays with her new boyfriend of 2 months. Ouch!
So yes, priorities change & it’s very hard to keep everyone happy when they do.
Speaking from experience, I have been dating a guy for 8 years. I am going on 29, but please don’t nullify this. No one in my family really likes him. My parental figure haaates his face and threatens to kick face ass in (not to his face, but mine). My friends know how stubborn I am and how drastic the circumstances need to be for things to force me to end it. I am fixed through and through, but my venus-neptune square makes it hard for me to see what others see in him. So, just because I am fixed doesn’t mean that I have no problems in this department. Part of the issue is THAT I am fixed. Since I have a fixed 3rd house, I am always trying to give the other side a chance to speak their mind. I guess this creates a dynamic that mimics the Libran influence.
Has happened so much that I learned to keep my relationships to myself! I also had the good fortune to be left behind by so called friends who after my divorce felt threatened! By the way I’m Libra, Cancer rising, sag moon, al of the good stuff!
My gut screamed Libra here too! I’ve never let this happen, but I’ve needed to be very very firm with some friends, mostly Cancer Moons, here. They don’t mean any harm, by the way, I wouldn’t be their friend at all if they would, they are just being their protective selves, and have very hard time seeing my Capricorn Moon might not need all the same things in a relationship they require.
its age old and not only girl friends. When you’re older, it could be your mom or dad who depend on you, or a grown child, who can’t imagine you partnered. people don’t like that sort of role change. its life.
I’m Libra rising, my husband is Taurus rising – very possessive. Doesn’t like anyone getting close to me.
I just ended a 5 year close friendship with a woman who tried to keep me single with her jealousy and manipulative and transparent attempts to control me by saying things like, “ever since you got together with him, I feel you’ve changed, you’re not the same person I used to know” and such. I was constantly reassuring her that I wasn’t going to ditch her for a man, and that she was more important to me than him, etc. I made sure I spent just as much time with her as with my boyfriend.
I briefly dated two guys (at separate times) while I was friends with her — while she was living with her boyfriend for 4 out of the 5 years I knew her. She’d always break dates with me at the last minute to do something with her live-in boyfriend, and I just rolled with the flow and never complained. When I started seeing a guy, I would only be with him one day per week, and yet this friend of mine would complain that I was spending more time with the guy than her, despite the fact that I would see her one day per week as well. She was so threatened by the fact that I saw anyone other than her. And she has way more friends than I do, so her insecurity baffled me.
I didn’t end the friendship with her while I was involved in a relationship with a guy because I wanted to make sure it wasn’t my boyfriend or the fact that I was involved in a romantic relationship that was influencing me to end my friendship with her. I waited several months and realized that there were other reasons, as well, for me wanting to end my friendship with her. I ended it and have no regrets.
thats a first, someone who is deliberatly keeping u single, i can see understand if its an abusive relationship that one would meddle but otherwise its not your friend
Hey I resemble that, Virgo/Libra cusp. Only I am usually a matchmaker. I had a long time friend who I have drifted from. I was her maid of honor w first marriage. Then she started “visiting” me on my weekends without kids to cheat on her hubby. I felt used and irritated as I really didn’t want to go out most nights. We libras like our solitude at times. Round two. I stand up for her wedding. She continues to come up periodically to mess around. I put my foot down, yank her out of his house and she doesn’t come around anymore. If that’s what it takes to save her current marriage then so be it. I really like her current hubby. He deserves better then that.
I used to know a woman who had a gay man, friend. He bashed every man she ever crossed paths with.
I finally told her, if she kept listening to him, she was going to wind up single and bitter like he was.
So it’s not just women.
Of course a heterosexual man can do this too. It’s call cock-blocking (search this blog for more on that!)
Was just thinking about the other day, wow, thank you! Sun/Moon Pisces, Scorpio rising, not been in relationship for over 6 years now. Mostly due to lack reciprocality, every time I get close it’s like those magnets you can never get to touch-boom: disappeared!
Wondering about that plus the worst one being crush I can’t seem to move beyond last 5 years of most unavailable one.
It’s all been very strange. Scorpio rising
wow, that IS true. It does’nt matter if they are heterosexual friends or not. Misery loves company!
they want you all to themselves. And when they find themselves someone that loves them back, and they love back, they will probably leave you in the dust. And shrug and go, “well, whyd you listen to me? I ain’t got no time for you. I’ve got my own lovelife going! Cést la vie!!”
just a scenerio. This is why birds of a feather flock together. In a way you think, well, they are gonna be ALONE and abandoned because your friend has finally put their entire energy into a relationship they will foster into the future. This will leave no room for third wheels. It’s sad, but, it’s reality. We all grow up and grow old and some people NEVER get married or never be with anyone and are alone together forever. Like two little old ladies hanging out together. Never had children or a husband.
And if you go off and get married, your so-called friend will get angry and accuse you of abandoning them. Jesus. it’s too much. I’m sorry, i just have this really vast and wild imagination. My best friend is my husband anyway.
btw, everyone has different avenues and fates /destinies in their lives. the scenerios i mentionesd is just one or two, some people don’t mind being single and are happy for the rest of their lives. *shrug* And that’s good for them too! It’s the sabotaging other people’s relationships that just point to a feeling of left alone.
i feel that if they “let go” and are happy for the relationships of their friends, they love even deeper, because that’s allowing freedom and love for your friend. To grow.
That’s the thing. I am always happy for them and give them lots of space. Except for this crush thing. I mean I still give the space but on an emotional level, internally, I really struggle. Since I’ve always wanted to b the one in that relationship so badly. Was reminding myself bout obsession with Venus/Pluro. N retrograde. Also occurred to me with north node in house of self my partnership house is south node.
It’s always been the Taurusses that really got to me. 3 in the past couple decades I just couldn’t seem to get over no matter how long it’d been over. Just traded one in for another with unfulfilled longing.
Ah well, still hoping for my own guy. At this point it feels like only a miracle’d work. Great post, thank you.
“Misery Loves Company”. So true. I’ve had people tell me how much I’ve hurt them because I have a life outside them. It’s very manipulative. Very disrespectful. Not everyone wants to be someone’s complimentary mirror.
Well said!
I have Virgo and Libra and in the past I have wanted to keep everyone happy. I think I have gotten over this a little bit, however, but I will have to watch to make sure that this is in fact the case whenever I wrangle myself into another relationship.
Too funny! Must be the times I came through. But people often ask what’s wrong with me that I never married. Some find it curious, some find it sad. But I am not sad. And of course, through the divorces they tell me I’m smart. Not that that stops them from marrying again when the time is right. At least I am old enough now that I’m not being pushed to do it anymore. I don’t know how fixed she is, but I have a virgo friend that is 6 years my senior, and people still tell her she needs to find a man. She’s very self contained and highly interactive with people in her work and personal life. I think sometimes it’s difficult for couples to socialize with the uncoupled. It is more comforable with other couples. Different times I suppose.
Is this a freedom of speech issue. Do they have a right to their opinion on your personal life? I am questioning this since last night’s newscast. The social issue aside, does freedom of speech mean I have to listen to what someone says?
This is so true! While I was reading this I was thinking of myself if I am one of the people who gets influenced in relationships, which guys I have been in relationships say I get influenced by my friends. I have listened to a few things my friends say but in the end I always trusted my gut. Then at the end when you said the fixed signs don’t get influenced, I am a Taurus, that made so much sense. I am not married. I remember when I was engaged and on my way to getting married, I was so stressed out and worried if I was making a mistake. My husband at the time had anger issues and I have a temper too so that was explosive at times. My best friend who I knew since high school, who is single till this day and never in a relationship, told me that I should not marry such a guy. It wasn’t a great situation and it was volatile but I loved him and I know he loved me. I knew he is a good guy and has flaws just like me. Man oh man, today after 3 years of marriage, my best friend has disappeared from my life. I still don’t know why or what happened. My husband is so much calmer now and so am I. I could not have asked for a better husband. My advice is to trust your gut and find out for yourself. No one has all the answer and no one can see what the future holds for you. You make your future! Trust yourself.
Sorry about the typos in my post. I am married :-).
Wow this post hit some nerves! My story is of tables turned. Best Taurean friend courted me, supported me and shared all our romantic troubles, chief bridesmaid while she was 5 years mistress of a married man while bitching I had always been obsessed with getting married! Both once he left his family now they only hang out with other people with kids. I miss her but realise Taureans are practical and she needed a friend.
I’ve had this friend once who loved that I was single. She was difficult to be around. I couldn’t even look at men without her calling me a slut. LOL. I honestly thought this was friendly and funny at first but it evolved. Criticizing my other friends, my family. And to keep me on my toes, criticizing me. It was very manipulative. I liked her initially, but now for her to like me back, I have to adapt to her. I don’t think so. This was too smothering for me. There is comfort, solace and then there are these emotional vampires. This makes me appreciate space as a sign of Love.
I think this happens more often then we’d like. This has happened to me before, a supposed best friend accused me of abandoning her and it was clearly obvious that she didn’t like that I wasn’t hers anymore. Things do change when you’re in a relationship and a friend with your best interest would understand it to let you experience something wonderful. On the flipside to the post, couldn’t the fixed signs be prone to the ones who to want to keep their friend single, as they don’t like change…?
Yes, relationships do change friendships. Couple land is different. It was branded into me since day 1. Don’t mess with people’s relationships. So even when they are unhealthy, I don’t say a word. And I’ve had to learn not to say things like ‘I saw that comin’ if they don’t work out.
There is always a question that comes up about ‘do you tell someone when their mate is ‘cheating’ on them. I don’t get involved. But most people tell me that yes they would tell the person because they hate it when people say I knew that was going on but didn’t tell them. It makes me question my stance on not sharing that info. But I will probably stay fixed on not getting involved.
“Don’t mess with people’s relationships even when they are unhealthy.” I’m not so sure about that. Here’s what happened to me a few years ago. My friend did not get involved when I was seeing a guy for a few weeks. She didn’t tell me how this same guy that I was dating had touched her inappropriately and aggressively at a party once (he grabbed her breast), and wouldn’t leave her alone after she told him to get lost.
A month into my relationship with this guy, he raped me quite viciously, when I was incapable of defending myself and in a very remote area, reliant on him to drive me home. The rape changed my life. Let’s just say that I was not silent, as my friend was with me, about what this guy did to me. I had no reservations about notifying his next girlfriend about what he did to me.
I “got involved” with his relationships — either friendships or intimate ones — by telling approximately 1,000 people about his ‘misbehaviour.’ In speaking out, I found out that he had violated a dozen other women who had previously remained silent about how he treats women in his ‘relationships.’
There’s a time and circumstances when I believe it’s important to get involved in other people’s relationships — when there is the possibility of serious harm being done to someone. By saying something you can perhaps prevent that harm from being done. If nothing happens or changes, it’s better to have spoken out and made an effort than to remain silent, especially when abuse is involved.
i agree w/ this. People should in general “warn” about predators and pyschos like this. those men who date rape consistently, and the women they force to keep quiet about it, because the women fear in return. It makes a world of difference when people out there “care” when there are types like these who prey on the vulnerable.
So, Virgo Sun, Virgo Rising, Sadge moon, LIbra Venus, three more Virgo planets…..I got sabotaged once by friends, once my family. I totally fell for it. But I recovered and learned. And I don’t have those kinds of friends anymore and listen to family through a filter.
i had huge trouble with it. guess i could blame my virgo asc. or the aries naivete…
I’ve had friends in the past like this.
One (Scorpio) was someone I was friends with in high school. She never had a boyfriend during the time we were friends, and when we were in eleventh grade my then-boyfriend wanted to have a locker near mine, so he asked her to exchange with him. She refused. She also tried flirting with some of the other boys/men I dated over the years, and all of them were quite open with her that it wasn’t going to work on them.
Another (Virgo) was a married woman I met while working, and she tried to set me up with several different men. For various reasons, none of these potential boyfriends went beyond first dates, maybe because they were interested in her — she was a bubbly, extroverted sort and I am a lot more reserved. We had a falling out that lasted over a year, by which time I’d met someone and was dating him; she called and invited me over for a BBQ to meet her newborn baby, and I brought my boyfriend along with her permission. She called me afterward to tell me she “didn’t approve” of my new boyfriend, although he’d been perfectly polite and nice during the BBQ.
I’ve also dated men whose family members or friends (sometimes both) tried to sabotage the relationship because they had someone else in mind for him.
I am almost all mutable signs. I actually finally stuck up for myself with my “best friend” of 22 years over this exact thing. I always let the people in my life express their opinions and it always bled into personal things about me. I finally realized what a detrimental thing this was. When I finally stood up to my friend she dropped me like a hot potato. I wasn’t mad or anything I just plainly said I didn’t like that she talked to me the way she did. Well, that turned into her saying our friendship wasn’t that great and hadn’t been for a long time and we shouldn’t be friends anymore. Um, okay. I honestly believe that sometimes people don’t realize that the “advice” they give you is self-serving…It’s almost like auto-pilot, their shadow that they can’t see. On that note, I’m not a total wimp…out and out sabotaging has never been tried on me, at least not to my face disguised as helpful advice.
And I must be honest. I am a Mars Aquarius and a Uranus Libra. I may ask your opinion (because it’s interesting) but 9 outta 10 times I go my own way.
Good for you, elizabethe. Mutables (especially Mercury-ruled ones!) do tend to get taken advantage of by dominant personalities with fixed ideas because we’re so open to different view points and always willing to second-guess ourselves. But once we’ve managed to process the information overload, we get good at sorting out what is high-value information and what is not. And we can switch the current on and off too, as opposed to being just the channel for everyone else. 🙂
Argh, story of my life! Virgo, Libra rising. At this point I am like a war survivor who jumps at a car backfire. Bitches will cut you every time. Scorpio in particular but Aquarius and Aries too, family from birth and friends whenever. I’m thinking my next lover will be my secret and mine alone.
No one on earth tells me who I can or can’t date, but thats a moot point with me, as I’m one of those “rare” independent Librans. I’m pretty self sufficient, and in this crazy unpredictable world – Thank God!
I find human relationships and I’m only talking about LTR and marriage here, complex, time consuming and interwoven dynamics of personal politics and powerplays always bubbling below the surface..
I love my peace and harmony and will go far out of my way to get it, and sadly even if it means being alone..
I had this happen literally two days ago. I met someone I really connected with just before the holidays and things are moving along nicely. I had dinner with a girlfriend Friday night and mentioned him for the first time. Her response: “I don’t approve.” My response “I don’t care!” I’m a Leo with Leo asc and a Scorpio moon so you can bet I meant it. She was obviously taken aback, even though I was jovial and kind of making a joke about it. I followed up by telling her that I’m the only one who has to date him and we’ll see how things progress. What I didn’t say was: you never approve!! She’s single and sensitive about it so is -always- critical when her female friends pair up. I’m easygoing about most things so I don’t think she was expecting a double Leo Scorpio reaction – but while I’ll mull things over before deciding, when I’ve made my mind up about something, I’m done.
story of my life. libra sun, sadge rising, venus in virgo & more planets in libra than i can count on one hand. when i was in my teens & 20s it was done maliciously by my “best friend.” now, i honestly believe that the times it has happened have been due to careless oversharing of things that were completely out of context, & actually, inaccurate. i think anytime a relationship is too crowded, it’s doomed to fail. even if the actions by friends aren’t done with malicious intent. as a result, i am increasingly leaving my friends very much out of the loop. which make me sad.
It took quite a time to realize that my standards of friendship is not the standard of another person. Yeah, it is a Virgo-Libra thing (or a 7th house Sun thing).
Had a friend like this. She had a very disturbed self image and therefore acted like a dictator. You had to praise and applaud her for everything she did and bear her comments on you. I didn’t. Cutting her off was a very good idea and everyone similar to her has the same destiny.
What I couldn’t avoid are the relatives of a partner. I don’t like parents!
I think the whole concept of “Do you have a friend, motivated to keep you single?” with regards to dates and partners etc is more inclined to be a female thing, As a guy, it just does’nt impact my psyche at all.
However in saying that, it could be just me, my attitude and value systems.
Just breezing through this thread, seems like a lot of females commenting and concerned about this issue.
Taking this to a higher spiritual evolutionary level, I believe this will be the case more so with those who have the Nodal Axis of the Moon and/or Pluto in the 7th house or Libra. This will compel the individual to seek out approval from others and to be “liked” even if its against there own best romantic interests. Karma to be worked out…
Just my opinion.
Im a scorp but have moon in Libra (8H) and Venus in Cap (11H). It was only about a year and a half ago that I decided not to be so very influenced by what my friends said about a new love interest. A particular Scorpio girl friend in fact was the worst to deal with on this subject. She had a scorp stellium! And I wasnt the only one she thought was her property. I saw her sabotage a whole bunch of very good friends relationships. She would play one up against the other all the time.
Sometimes I am truly baffled at how people have the effort for such intricate, planned manipulation. It was even stranger that she would mystically turn up at places where her friends would be when they specifically did not want her there. She had some kind of radar!
Anyway, im happy to now be with a Pisces man with venus in Aqua and Scorp moon 🙂
oh my, yes. She was Gemini with mucho Pluto. Thought nothing of following unsuitable guys around town, or even abroad and wouldn’t listen to anyone. But she’d sure as hell tell you if she didn’t like your guy and come up with reasons why he sucked. Really, she still wanted me to be her wingwoman.
VIRGO and yep. All one of my friends need do is plant a seed of doubt. And when you have a lot of free spirited friends (Gemini Libra Aquarius) that’s easy enough for them to do without malice. Then there’s the intense friends (Scorpio, Aries, Leo) who will just make you feel like the guy’s not good enough for you and find a reason and be all stubborn about it and you feel like they will hold a grudge toward him FOREVER (except for Aries who will say, who, me? I never said I didn’t like the guy! years later). I seem to be able to trust my Taurus friends for the real deal on relationship advice!
I’ve mostly mutable signs and in my relationships I tend to go through periods where I felt they were the right men… and then periods where I felt they were not. If friends start criticising my partner, it makes me feel insecure like I’ve made the wrong choice (but that’s only because I wasn’t sure about it in the first place). However, I’ve Sun/Mercury in fixed sign Taurus so if I’ve fallen in love with someone and feel right about him, no one can change my mind.