Hello,
I’m 20 years old. I dated a guy who is 25 for a year now. He was a very nice, understanding guy at the beginning of our relationship but then he got too controlling and manipulative. He was emotionally abusive too.
I finally gathered enough courage, went to the therapist. She said it would be best if I let him go since I cannot be assertive and cannot get back the respect he has for me.
I missed him, I tried being assertive. I had suddenly stopped talking to him for a week with him trying to call me just on the first day and a mail on the second. I wrote to him saying I wanted to be respected, loved etc etc. He replied back saying he was sorry and that he would not do this to someone else and things. But I wanted him back so I messaged him that I was sorry that I left without saying a word.
He then accused me of cheating on him. He says he has had many proposals since the time we broke up but he has declined them. I was hurt and devastated. He then went on to call me a whore. I called him a few names and blocked him. After 5 days he writes to me that he’s sorry, he wishes I could just forgive him and he’s reminding me of all the good days. Now I don’t know if I should get in touch with him or not. I really still do love him.
Young Indian Woman
Dear Young Woman,
It’s never good when a man calls a woman a whore. However I’m aware I’m only hearing one side of this story. For example, you may have called him a bastard and many other things, for hours on end, until he lost his temper and let loose with this insult.
You also say that a therapist considers him manipulative and emotionally abusive. With no details, it’s hard to judge that, but you own behavior could be characterized that way too.
I really don’t know what is going on here, but I can tell you what I see in your chart. I see a woman who fights with partners, acts impulsively (Mars on the ascendant square Uranus) and has a penchant for leaving (Sagittarius Moon). It’s not a picture of a demure little flower!
It’s not that I think this is the greatest guy in the world. Far from it. But the situation does not sound as if he is clearly a bully and you are clearly his victim.
You’re both acting immaturely, but it sounds as if there is a some real caring between you. If not, I don’t think either of you would be this upset, and saying and doing things that are so hurtful.
You did not provide his data so I don’t know how compatible you may or may not be. But there is enough challenge shown in your chart, it’s not realistic for you to think that you can get a new man and have things go smoothly all the time.
There are obvious problems here. They seem severe. If you want there to be any hope of this working out, you’ll have to agree to pull together and then work very hard, independently, to control your negative tendencies.
The main thing to realize is that you’ve definitely got a temper and a tendency to ping pong back and forth. If you get rid of him, you’ll still have your own nature to deal with. You just can’t say that this is all on him.
Ask yourself this: does the man bring out the best in you? Or the worst? Are you better together then you are apart?
If you can get clarity on these questions, then you’ll know what to do.
Good luck.
Have a question? Need advice? Ask here!
Interested in a personal consultation? Click here!
This relationship sounds like many I have witnessed in the past. It just amazes me that people think that there will be no work involved in a relationship. Everyone seems to want a fairy tail relationship where they live happily ever after or something so it seems. That said some people bring out the best in another and some people bring out the worst. The difficulty comes in knowing which it is when it is happening to you.
Really good advice here.
I would have one word for this guy: Goodbye.
I’m glad you pointed out that even if she leaves this guy, she’s still left with her “stuff”. People need to be told this.
Good advice! If a man /partner brings out the WORST in you, it’s not healthy and it’s time to leave. They’ve been together only a year and all the chaos has already been let out. I agree w/ Ellen and goodbye is the only word.
Especially if you both bring out the worst in each other. It’s like two magnets repelling each other! : /
Your advice Elsa is very astute. I left my marriage then watched some of the same patterns repeat themselves over and over again. It’s too bad his info is not available. The composite chart can show so much about the purpose and nature of the relationship… as you know.
I am in a relationship that is very beautiful ad also very topsy turvy. I recently discovered that our composite chart lines up exactly with the current grand cross energy. Yikes!!! Now that I understand our ‘stuff’ is there for transformation and growth I am less inclined to walk away (I also have Sag moon lol) and more inclined to want to work through the issues coming up.
Its so easy to say ‘walk away’ … but if it is it’s your own stuff being reflected back at you… sometimes it’s worth a look in the mirror.
Great advice. I suspect they could use some therapy. It is hard to gage if you are being defensive or the other is attacking you. I have Mars in Scorpio square Uranus and I don’t take much guff, as maybe this young woman doesn’t. Sounds like they should not be together. Why when there are so.many other wonderful people out there?
I thought her therapists advice was really weird. Can’t get past that point for some reason. She told her that she “can’t be assertive or earn his respect back”. I just thought that was odd.
Also, Elsa, I can’t login on the forum side for a few days now. Sorry, I didn’t know how else to let you know.
There is nothing on my end that I know of, Libra. Have you tried clearing your cookies?
Also, are you getting a specific error?
Email me @ [email protected]
I couldn’t log in through my phone then I turned my phone off and back on and that fixed it 🙂
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. This behavior is classic abuser behavior. It’s quite typical for them to start off nice, then once you are hooked, the controlling and manipulation comes out. It almost always escalates. You are in a very dangerous situation and should behave accordingly.
Educate yourself on dating violence dynamics; even therapists who aren’t trained in them can give terrible advice. I recommend several books by Lundy Bancroft, including ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ and ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can and Should Be Saved’.This author is a man who has worked with a users for 30 years; he has no illusions about their intentions and tactics, and pokes pretty effective holes through their typical excuses–and the excuses others make for them. He spells it all out so clearly you can never in-see it, and breaks them down by type, including how dangerous each type of abuser is and how much you should worry.
I’d suggest digging through your own personality traits AFTER you rid yourself of him, to figure out why you wound up with him–though frankly, a lot of these guys put on such a good act at first that it’s perfectly understandable why you’d get hooked in.
Elsa, I hope you’ll consider reading the first book. I can safely say it was possibly the single most important book I’ve ever read, and it is so important that we understand these dynamics, especially as counselors, in order to avoid worsening the situation. It is actually statistically more dangerous for a woman to go to a therapist not trained in domestic violence prevention, because typically the therapist becomes an unwitting enabler of the abuser. Also, it is just an astonishingly good read!!
Best of luck~~~
Ping pong and abuse like this is a clear case of karmic pull, pluto love and saturn.
It’s this ladies choice to heal the past to help her present. Karmic connection like this has to transform on all levels. mentally, spiritually, emotionally and the one that takes the longest time, physically, cleared from the body. This can take a lifetime maybe more. I teach in this area, and yes I have a big dose of saturn, and being responsible, saturn, is one of the main keys to healthy self development of your soul path. Saturn is what is is, our daily work, and in the mix with Mars is can demonstrate incredible profound levels of cruelty,… some people make it through some people don’t. Transit Saturn on her moon soon should move things along either way. Stay conscious, up your self care, and work your saturn making it your friend. Good luck.
A year ago I would have said: Let go of him.
But now I’d pose to reflect on what Elsa said to this young woman. The questions at the end of the post are important.
Why do I see things differently today? In March I had a big crisis with my boyfriend that had been accumulating since January. We broke up for five weeks. I told my friends my experiences and side of the story and got their sympathy for what he did or said in the last months (to clarify: he doesn’t cheat, doesn’t abuse me, he’s a normal good man)
Yet my therapist who has known me for years actually helped me see his side of the story and realise how I had treated him (badly) and how he was simply reacting to my treatment of him.
So she was compassionate towards my mistakes yet encouraged me to take responsibility of my part of the break up. As I started doing this, friends who are happily married or in long relationships said that I had pushed him away and that it was good that I was maturing by taking responsibility!
We bring the best in each other. My issues from childhood get activated by his issues every now and then. This young woman might be having a similar situation. Who knows? His chart would provide clues.
I’d say the relationship with my boyfriend now is strong as I am harnessing my uranian and saturnian energies. Transiting saturn in my first house squaring my natal transit this year so lots of maturing and lessons.
It’s possible that this man is controlling and abusive…yet it’s worth considering other angles. They do sound connected and perhaps they have saturn, uranus, mars or pluto synastric squares with nodal connections in the mix.
Good luck to her exploring her needs and truth xx
Saturn squaring natal venus, I meant
She says she loves him. “Just leave” is not going to cut it.
This girl is best off to come to *her own reasoned decision*. She already allowed a therapist to direct her life and look who’s left to deal with the aftermath.
Everyone has got to grow up, eventually. 21 is not too soon to start.
I agree this is only one side of the story. I came out of one of those degrading relationships that lasted 20 years. Thing is my “stuff” reacting to his “stuff” was a huge part of it. I have to own my stuff, recognize it or I will find myself right back there again. People can only so to you what you will allow. Like wise we can bring out the worst in others. It doesn’t make us responsible for their actions but it does make us partially responsible for the outcome if we feed into it or we stay.
I am aware this was 9 years ago, but this is terrible advice!
YOU SHOULD TELL THE GIRL TO LEAVE. THIS IS CLEARLY AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
THERE IS NO POINT TRYING TO LAY THE BLAME ON THE YOUNG INDIAN WOMAN, SHE CAME HERE FOR ADVICE, AFTER SEEKING HELP FROM A COUNSELOR. THE ABUSER DIDNT.
IF HE CALLS YOU A WHORE, HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU. AND HE IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE.
YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. ALWAYS. YOU DONT TRY TO MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE IT WONT. HE WONT CHANGE AND ABUSIVE GENERALLY INCREASES. DONT BE A STATISTIC. RUN AWAY FROM HIM NOW!
and YOU MOST DEFINITELY CAN FIND A MAN THAT TREATS YOU LIKE A QUEEN! THERE ARE 3.9 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, YOU MOST DEFINITELY CAN FIND ABETTER MAN!