Dear Elsa,
I met someone about a month ago, and he is a nice guy. At first I thought, there’s no way I’d date this guy. Well, we seem to be dating. But now I feel totally smothered and almost to the point of flying off the handle. I don’t know if this is a short or long term influence or if it just points out something that is part of the relationship. He nearly seems to be scared to disagree with me and nothing could be more annoying! I very easily see this man proposing to me and I think that’s what he has in mind.
Libra Moon
United States
Dear Libra,
It sounds to me as if you don’t like this guy’s passivity and neediness – plain and simple. Never mind he is so badly wanting to partner that he is ready to propose marriage to someone he has known for a month. But you may also hate your own passivity, since you are dating someone you decidedly did not want to date and I think the latter may be as much a problem as the former, as this type conflict is vividly shown in your chart.
You have an Aries rising so are not going to take very kindly to wimps; however you also have a Libra moon in the seventh house which wants to partner just as bad as this guy does. This may be why you started dating him in the first place. Hate to be mean to people.
The situation is further complicated by Uranus in the seventh conjunct your Moon suggesting a healthy dose of commitment-phobia and understanding all of this if you go back up and read your mail to me, you can see this guy is more a prop in your movie rather than someone who is driving anything. Basically you want to detach (Uranus) from anyone who is nice and wants to partner (Libra), even though you are nice and want to partner.
Good luck.
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Libra, a friend gave me very good advice once when I was in a similar situation to yours…you’re allowed to break up with people. (The man she was referring to was driving me insane. He started dating a gal days after I broke up with him and moved in with her mere weeks later).
Good advice Kashmiri. I’m Libra rising and I hate breaking up with people. I usually agonize about it and drive myself crazy with guilt. But you know what? It all works out. In my case, once I end the relationship I can breathe again. The guy usually finds someone younger and nicer than me fairly quickly. People are very resilient.
Classic Libra dilemma- Hello Pedestal! Libra’s have this weird relationship with idealization- others thinking they are “the one”- and then the expectations… (i.e. not wanting to disappoint) even if the Libra is miserable and now finds themselves in a mess of a situation. It’s hard to say, “I’m sorry, I was never the vision of what you wanted me to be” once you get sucked into whole charade. Libra’s are learning to be upfront with their truth from beginning- even if it’s not particularly “nice.”
I don’t know about this sentence…
“Basically you want to detach (Uranus) from anyone who is nice and wants to partner (Libra), even though you are nice and want to partner.”
It makes her sound unreasonable to want to ditch this guy. Like, “you’ll want to dump any Perfectly Nice Guy, there’s something wrong with you.” But clearly he’s driving her nuts from the getgo, so is it wrong to dump him?
Then again, I got brought up that I wasn’t allowed to say no to guys I don’t like asking me out, so I dated a lot of people I disliked. I don’t recommend it, even if people make you sound like a big jerk for “not giving him a chance.”
Ya know, this is a bit like that advice I heard given to business managers once before: “It’s not the employees that you fire that will cause your company problems. It’s the ones you won’t fire.”
Same with relationships. It’s not the ones you dump that plague your life, it’s the ones you won’t despite needing to.
“It makes her sound unreasonable to want to ditch this guy.”
Didn’t mean it that way. I don’t think she should stay with him because she didn’t want him in the first place. I was just meaning to define the situation… information for her to benefit by.
As a libra rising, I’ve been in that situation too many times–attracting men who were convinced “I was the one” and putting me on a pedestal. I’ve turned down three proposals in my life–all from men who had known me less than a few months. I married my first husband because I was too worried about hurting his feelings to break off the engagement. It took me ten years to leave the marriage and an incredible nine years to get my divorce. Never again. I’m careful now to show my true colours up front (Pluto squaring my Venus, Moon and Mercury makes me a bit of a cold-hearted intense bitch) and it’s gratifying to know my SO has no illusions about who I really am, as opposed to how I come across, all sweet and charming (damn my dimples!).
–Anna the Gemini
Why would anyone date someone they weren’t into? And then complain that the other is smothering with their passivity? sounds to me like she could get out of this quite easily: say no up front to the guys she doesn’t want and be more proactive about dating the guys she DOES want. It’s much easier (and fairer) to say “NO” at the beginning than to initiate a break up later. Use your “NO” more often!