“Be as you are, as you see as I am I am.”
–James Taylor
Every few years or so I buy an exceptionally embarrassing (to me) self-help book, the type of book where I’d likely set myself on fire before I’d confidently display it on my bookshelf. The other day I was rearranging my books, looking for ones to donate and “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov fell out from behind a row of phenomenological philosophers. So I re-read it.
It didn’t take me long; those types of books rarely do. And, yes, I am a total book snob, but just for myself. I’m not judging others for what they read, only myself. Reading popular self-help books does not fit into my image of who I am. The funny thing is, though, truth is truth and it doesn’t matter where you find it. This book does present a truth, probably a lot of them even if they are not presented in ways that fit in with one’s Mercury (mode of communicating) or Mars (way of acting). Both my Mars and Mercury are watery and this is definitely a book for air and fire. But the pithy matter is the same, just presented in another way.
So what is that love advice? The whole book boils down to one thing, as do most books that present advice on love that amounts to anything of value: To have any hope of someone else valuing you, you must first value yourself. And you must ACT like you value yourself. This book is written in air and fire so I translated it to water, for a Scorpio Mars and a Pisces Mercury: If you want loyalty, be loyal first to yourself; if you want the faith and belief of another, have faith and believe in yourself. And you can’t just think it, you have to DO it. The majority of the text gives specific examples of how to manifest this in a dating setting. It comes from the position of “fake it till you make it.”
That’s an interesting concept and one I think holds true. Whoever we believe ourselves to be and ultimately how we appear will follow how we act. This will be true whether you decide to be who you truly are or if you pick a mask, a role, a personality you wish to emulate. If you pick a self that is not who you truly are, you become a narcissist. Really, that is all a narcissist is, someone who has committed so fully to a false self that it has solidified and they have lost contact with their genuine self.
If you look at this astrologically you can figure out who you truly are and live it by analyzing your natal chart, the tools you truly own. Being a narcissist, acting out an ideal chart you picked out for yourself, you don’t actually own the tools for the job. It’s like owning a saw and calling it a hammer, telling people it’s a hammer and trying to use it like a hammer. It’s just never going to work for you like a hammer would, and you lose out on effectively using the saw you were born with.
Use your chart to figure out what tools are really yours and how to use them. Learn to embrace who you are. There is no attractant like an acceptance and love of self. And if you’re not there yet, fake it till you make it. Faking a love of what is real about you is not destructive to your well-being in the way that loving something about yourself that is fake would be.
Judith Viorst wrote a poem about the real story of The Little Mermaid, not the Disney one, the one where she suffers, fails and dies:
(excerpt)
But I have some advice for modern mermaids
Who wish to save great sorrow and trevail:
Don’t give up who you are for love of princes;
He might have liked me better with my tail.
What’s your best love advice?
I love this! 😀
Satori this is such very wise advice. I had to fake it a lot when young but I did grown my self confidence, as one nurtures a tender plant.
“Faking a love of what is real about you is not destructive to your well-being in the way that loving something about yourself that is fake would be”
Every young person should put this on a post-it and stick it on their mirror!
thank you!
Lately I have figured out that if it is the truth, you can fake it till you make it. But if it is a lie then you can fake till it breaks you.
Satori, I agree with you! I also have that book called “why men love bitches” The book is quite good, however, learning about yourself through astrology is even better. One thing that Sherry says in her book is”The bitch is not governed by fear of losing a man, because she knows the real price to pay is when she loses herself.”
If we can apply this statement as one of the most effective love advices available, and study ourselves through our natal/transits charts; we would be babes in total control of ourselves.
I just took the book out to reread tonight.
@blessed place,
“Faking a love of what is real about you is not destructive to your well-being in the way that loving something about yourself that is fake would be”
All I can say that’s deep!
Thanks satori. You’re right on again. Fantastic and absolutely valuable advice!
That’s weird because I always read these in a way that can be perceived as “negative.” For instance, in the Steve Harvey book (hehe), I actually thought it had good points. Not just the “be a challenging woman” make em work, be mysterious, never show your cards, don’t get comfortable thing. (Or the “don’t answer the call at one ring and give them space because they are Martian rubber bands” thing, there are tons of stuff like this). He pointed out that it’s okay in the beginning of the relationship to show your boundaries and tell a man exactly what you want because otherwise he won’t know, not to be “nice” about it, but if you, for instance, want a man who can handle the fact that you have children, say so. He also had a bogus “don’t have sex until” date, but for me that’s actually kind of useful :/
I honestly think men “love bitches” because they perceive some sort of “unattainable alpha female” thing in them. I think that this is the real reason women do not like nice guys as well, not the whole they are only being nice as an opportunity. No, I think there is some mystery in a man that does not worship the ground you walk on, that stands his ground even if he appears chivalrous, and cannot be controlled. I think that any man who might be interested in a relationship could be waiting for an in regardless of whether it informs his nice behavior. The nice guy worshiping and scattering flowers is weaksauce, though, and I think that’s sadly the real reason so few women really want a worshipful man like that. I just haven’t seen a compelling reason that this isn’t true.
What I don’t understand is the terminology of what “valuing yourself” actually means. What does it mean? I am just as puzzled with other terms like “self respect.”
Usually they have to do with repressive “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” directives.
Great post Satori! Thank you from a fellow watery Mercury/Mars, I really appreciate your translation! 😉
I cried so much when I was a kid and saw the Real mermaid story on tv. It wasn’t fair she didn’t get the Prince 🙁
Before that I had no idea that fairy-tails could end Bad.
I still prefer the Real Little Mermaid story 🙂
great stuff Satori !
That quote about losing herself if she isn’t a bitch is bang on.
Personally, I think most men – the majority of them – want a mother figure. So they go for the one who appears willing/able to fight all battles and handle everything except what the man wants/needs to handle. Also, if she’s raging, he gets to look good in comparison.
Yes this is a crappy view of men and relationships but that’s about where I’m at these days. 🙂 But I really have found it to be true when I look around at couples I know. And only about 5% of those women are happy and in healthy relationships. The rest….so glad i stayed single 🙂
I love that quote; you always pick such apropos ones.
The guy I am seeing currently was looking at my bookshelf and he zoned in on my most embarrassingly-titled one (“How to Get the Love You Want”). He remarked on it. Instead of getting flustered (Venus Scorpio does not like others knowing she wants love), I decided instead to stop being embarrassed. It was an amazing book that changed how I looked at relationships, and I said as much. It felt good not to have to justify myself.
I love that poem satori as well as the authentic Little Mermaid Story… I do love Classic Disney though 🙂